How not to fall for someone?

[bluekitty_sg]

Dear all

 

Maybe it is a little strange to post this topic in relationships. But I could do with a little help, to spend time with someone but to avoid falling for him. The reason is quite simple; he isn't right for me but I do enjoy his company and the attentiveness that he shows me.

 

Appreciate any tips on this.

 

Thank you very much,

 

Blue

[arwen]

Maybe it will help to see this person in a limited range of contexts. For example, don't do things with him that you'd typically do with a boyfriend, like late night movies at your own home. Meet him in public places, or hang out with him and other friends. Keep yourself reminded of the reasons why he isn't right for you. Just out of curiosity, why do you think he's not right for you?

 

Ilse

[walkingwithaghost]

you cant not fall for someone. its impossible. if you keep a lot of other guys around you wont get as attached to him.

[a2000]

Tell him how you feel so you don't lead him on. Also don't see him regularly and make sure you are seeing other people too so you won't get as attached.

[aggierocker]

Maybe try the damned friendzoning on him. Look at him like you look at your brother.

[Momene]

Don't rely on him too much for friendship, seek other outlets.

[shyanne]

spend time with someone but to avoid falling for him. The reason is quite simple; he isn't right for me

 

i think what your doing is very wrong and unfair to him. if he's not right for you, tell him that and stop seeing him. find someone that is. unless you enjoy hurting others.... what if he falls for you? but your just worried about yourself, right.

[bluekitty_sg]

Dear all

 

Thanks for the tips. I will certainly use them.

 

And for Shyann, I actually have no intention to hurt him and yes self preservation is my intent. The thing is I am currently being separated and going through a divorce. He on the other hand is being a good friend because of my difficult times and also because he had seen his parents went through the same process and how tough it had been on his mum. There is a lot of empathy and support from him and I am very grateful for his presense. It is not easy being alone and it is good to have friends to lean on from time to time.

 

However, he is married but he is working overseas without his family. He is devoted to his children and will never see himself leaving them. While I enjoy his company, I need to guard my heart as I am feeling extremely vulnerable right now.

 

Best,

Blue

[debviola]

I hate to sound harsh but keep your distance. You are already falling for him. If you think you are hurting now, spring forward a year or two after you've become involved with this man, even if nothing physical happens and then either his wife and kids move here or he goes home. You are in a situation where you are free to seek happiness down any road you choose - why choose the road to sure heartache?

[BillyJean714]

I hate to sound harsh but keep your distance. You are already falling for him. If you think you are hurting now, spring forward a year or two after you've become involved with this man, even if nothing physical happens and then either his wife and kids move here or he goes home. You are in a situation where you are free to seek happiness down any road you choose - why choose the road to sure heartache?

Totally agreed.

 

It all has to do with proximity, the more you hang out with someone, the more you see them, it only ignites that spark. There is no way to constantly hang out with a person, and not have some kind of feelings develop. (Unless if you completely hate each other's guts and can't stand each other, then the oppossite is true - you will just naturally develop an aversion for each other)

 

It's like Pavlov's study on dogs/salivation - conditioning. The more you keep him around, it only serves as a stimulus. You subconsciously condition yourself to like him more. Even if you want to fight that feeling, it won't go away. The more you hang out, the more you'll fall for him, even to the point where just thinking abuot him will just make you miss him more. It's addictive.

 

If you don't want to like him as much any more, distance yourself and get to know other people you see potential in.

[Prenkle]

I can understand the previous posts about how it's hard NOT to fall for someone that you hang out with. But from personal experience, I can say it's not impossible. I hang out with this guy for a weekly club activity and we have never had "feelings" developed between us. I see him twice a week and the club activity usually takes about 3-4 hours each night. I see him as a good friend and we've always been just friendly with each other.

 

But your situation is a little different. Since your post is asking how NOT to fall for someone, like others have posted, it means you already have to a small degree.

[bluekitty_sg]

Prenkle

 

Thanks for sharing. Actually I have a few male friends that I hang out with or confide in at this point. And it is certainly true that it is possible to send time with someone and never feel the need for the spark or feelings to develop. I do have another male friend whom I talk to almost daily, we have lunch and dinner dates and I can tell him most anything but yet there is no "feelings" between us. We are each other's support pillars given the vicissitudes of life.

 

I think that if I really search deep within myself, I think at a certain level I do care for my friend that I mentioned in my first email. But I think that his commitment to his family is something I admired and most certainly is the greatest obstacle for me to develop any strong feelings for him.

 

If he went away right this very moment suddenly, I think I would be sad as with any of my close friends, male or female. But it won't get me down for too long.

 

I am certainly spreading my time around with all my friends; I always try to be positive about the future and I definitely do not want to whine to my friends ad infinitum. If you ask any of my friends, they will tell you that I do not dwell much in the past. Cry a little and then move on. I will definitely restrict the amount of time I spend talking and seeing him and that way, it will always help me to stay on top of my emotions.

 

Thanks to all,

 

Blue