Help me figure out this man....

[musicchicus]

Ok, so I've been dating this guy, on and off, for 9 months (we are both in our 30's). Everytime we break up, he tells me that he feels guilty because he knows how much I love him, but he just doesn't feel like I'm the one. He loves me, but isn't in love me (god I hate that saying, anyway...)

 

So, our latest breakup was about two weeks ago. We hadn't talked since then, as I refused to call him back as I figured it was best to give him his space (he agreed with this).

 

So, Wednesday night, he came to my weekly hang out, knowing I was there, and asked to talk. Essentially, he said the same thing...that he doesn't see me see us as compatible, but he loves me a lot (I'm sure he means as a friend).

 

So, we talked for quite a while and I asked if he didn't love me because of me or because of him (he has some past baggage to deal with). He said he was not sure, he just didn't know, but truly thought that if he found "the right" person he would be going out of his way to be with her...that means I'm just not her.

 

So, I suggested that we sort of start over and try to build a friendship and then see what happens. He said that he didn't want to be serious, that he needs to meet others, etc...and I understood this and said fine. So, the night progressed and although it was clear he wasn't getting any nookie, we ended up fooling around a bit...but ended the night essentially cuddling and being close.

 

Now, some of my friends say he is a pig and is just looking to get lucky. Others say he really cares for me and is just too pressured by how serious we were...he needs to feel less pressured, but he really does care for me and wants to be part of my life.

 

What do you think? I mean, if he really didn't care, why would he have come to see me? He had the perfect out...he could have been free forever! Why would he have gotten intimate with me like that if he really didn't want to try to see what could happen...why bother, he wasn't going to get lucky and he knew it!?

 

Any suggestions what I might do to catch his interest again and rekindle what we once had. Any clues as to figure out what the guy is looking for in terms of "his right person"?...without pressuring too much or changing myself, of course!

[secret_agent_man]

Hi!

It sounds to me like he does care for you, he is coming back. The most important thing you should consider is communicating to him that he can't continue like this, it's making your life too hard. Try to talk about being friends, and make sure that if it's what you decide, you have to control your emotions as well so you don't end up in the same situation again.

 

Keep open lines of communication. He should know where you're coming from. Think about what the relationship is all about if he is telling you that you're "not the one". I'm not implying that he's using you, but think about it from what you really want out of life right now, and if you want someone who doesn't see you this way... You should start making yourself happy first, and as SwingFox always says, "you can't make someone else happy unless you yourself are happy!"

 

Good luck!

 

S.A.M.

[sharkgirl]

I fear this may be a bit harsh, forgive me...

 

I think he wants to have his cake and eat it to. He told you flat out that you were not the one. Questioning him further didn't reveal any of the answers you wanted to hear but the fact remains that he said you were not the one. I know this hurts and you want to know why and you want to try to fix this, but honestly, do you REALLY want to be with someone who doesn't feel you are the one?

 

You never should have suggested being just friends right away, you needed time to remove yourself from the situation so you can get into friendship mode, which is a difficult process. Even worse was your decision to cuddle and make out. Now he sees that while he conveniently looks for the one, he has you panting for him on the side so if he doesn't find one, he can always take you home. Honestly, is this what you want? Being second best has never been appealing to anyone I've ever known, it shouldn't be appealing to you.

 

Move on and find yourself someone who wants you and puts you first, where you deserve to be. You'll only get hurt in this one, trust me.

 

Take care, good luck.

[nyc25m]

Honestly, I think he likes you and may love you somewhat, but he's not totally in love with you.... at least at the moment. He may be too scared to commit (as most guys are). I also think all that talk between the both of you, about whether he loves you or not, puts pressure on him and probably even makes him re-think his own feelings. If you truly love him, continue to treat him that way by doing everything possible to show your love without actually saying it all the time. Give him everything you can, but don't let him take advantage of you (ie. other girls on the side, gifts, etc...) I think if he loves you exclusively, it will have to happen naturally without a decision being openly made.

 

Hope that helps a little...

[musicchicus]

Hey, thanks a lot!

 

Thats what I like to think too. If he truly did not have feelings for me, he would have been gone long ago...and though he might fool around or have sex with me, he wouldn't share cuddling moments too.

 

But Sharkgirl, you have some good points! While he is out looking for Ms. Right, he does have me to entertain him...But isn't that what dating is all about anyway...dating someone entertaining until you find Mr/Ms Right?

 

But no, I don't want to be second best...any suggestions on how to change my rank?

[cookies]

Overall, from what youve written, he seems to be a really nice guy, somewhat even a gentleman from the way he is handling the situation. I dont think that hes trying to mistreat you in any way,...or even being a "pig" as ur friends may think...he is just trying to let you know in the most kind and...gentle fashion ...that he is just not in love with you any more,...but cares deeply enough to continue to cuddle and make u feel loved as he tries to let go...

 

its not easy letting go of a person that we have once loved... When we spend time with our significant other,...we grow together and sometimes apart, because there may be something missing that we long for deep within our hearts. Its doesnt necessarily mean it has to be negative feelings or hatred built up that we witness others experiencing. This may be reasons ur friends view it the way they do,..because of what they may have experienced or THINK is going on..but its not the case.

 

When love dies between 2 ppl, and especially on one persons behalf, and the other holds on even after being told basically they are NOT the one...it makes it hard to move on. I'm sorry you are on the other end of the spectum, but I dont think theres much u can do to rekindle love that has lived out its course. Love is such a beautiful expereince to be IN LOVE, and altho however much painful it is to admit when its over,...we have to come to terms without fighting against the truths in these matters...

 

and he has told u the truth, while remaining caring. That is such a wonderful trait, because this is what will keep u 2 bonded as close friends, ...because there are some ppl that will walk out and mistreat us while they walk all over our hearts when they grow apart. ...try to understand that altho he loves u as a friend,...its not the same as it once was...

 

I wish u luck, and hope that someday things may be rekindled if its meant to be. Just be urself, and accept things as they have unfolded...

 

cookies

[sharkgirl]

I don't think you can change your rank with the situation being the way it is. I think that your rank will change once you move on and live your own life and he goes out and dates a few people and sees for himself what he has missed. He may find exactly what he's looking for in someone else, or he may realise all he gave up with you. But as long as you are going to be there for whenever he feels lonely or doesn't get a girl to take him home, you will be second best. If you can live with this and if this is what you consider to be dating, then by all means go for it. I just think you're setting your sights a bit low and I think you are worth a lot more than you're willing to settle for.

 

And yes, I do agree that he is not all bad, I know plently of men that wouldn't have been so honest about it all. But still, you're still putting his needs above your own and that is not how a relationship should be. It should be 50/50 down the line and it's not.

 

Good luck with what ever you decide.