She wants time to be by herself

[cignaguy]

I have been with my fiancee for a year now. We have had quite a few arguments recently that got out of hand. I had a trust problem that stemmed from a past relationship that I brought into this relationship, and that is one problem that bothers her. Another is jealousy. We have both had our faults, but just recently she basically said "ok, that's it, I need time to be by myself." So now she wants to start over from the beginning basically. I left her house last Friday. I had been staying with her for a month and a half because I had just recently gotten out of the military, and we didn't see eachother much then, so we could finally be together when I got out. Well, we have talked on the phone a little since I left and we have talked on the computer a little. She says I really haven't given her her time to herself, so then I asked if she just wanted to cut out all communication altogether. She said no. So I am thinking I am only going to communicate with her if she initiates it first. Also, I feel it is necessary to reassure her I have addressed my issues and they will no longer be there. I have spilled my heart out to her the past 5 days. I also got a card and put a 6 page letter in it. Anyone have any comments on how she might view the letter? Also, should I just leave her be and not call or anything? Only tallk to her if she initiates it? She told me I was "flipping out" today and that I need to trust her when she says she wants things to work, but she just needs time to herself. She says she has a lot of anger built up over stuff I have done and about our relationship in general and she is trying to figure out how to get that our of her head. Any comments at all about what I should do? She says she wants it to work and she hopes we can work it out and take things slow. I asked her to please tell me when she felt like she could see me again. The 4 hours distance between us now hurts. I have asked her to try her best to believe me when I say I have thought about a ton and addressed my issues and saw how stupid and selfish I had been. I also asked her to try just to open her heart back up and get the anger out, and talk to someone.. Who should she talk to? Thanks.

 

Matt

[Deisel2112]

i am in a similar situation, to a much small degree( i'm a senior in high school), and i'm lost, because i have tried many tactics similar to yours like spilling my heart out, and admiting my faults, but nothin works. basically i'm replyin to this for this simple message. SOMEBODY RESPOND TO THIS POST NOW. i'm dying here.

[cignaguy]

sorry to hear. i am glad i found this website though, very interesting to see the similar stories and that there is support for people.

 

Matt

[mk]

It is tough, I understand, stand in put. Do something else to keep you busy. Try not to think too much and try to talk your own friends about this and express your feeling. Also try writing down your feeling as well.

[killer_bimbo]

If she wants time away, then you'll only push her further away if you keep trying to bring her back. What you need to to is get over her slightly. Not in the way that your ready to see other people, but in that it not being quite so painful to spend time away from each other, get to the point where you don't need her to be in your day to day life, but still want her to be. It seems that she loves you, but needs to separate herself from a lot of the issues of the relationship, then start again. You've thought about the problems you contibuted to the relationship, and she's probably thought about hers, and you've both probably learnt from that, and it's now time to let it all go for a couple of months, just go out, have fun, spend a little time growing apart from your fiancee. Then, after a time, you'll both come back to each other feeling fresh away from the relationship, and you'll be ready to start dating again, start completely from scratch, like you did when you first met, and build things up again like you would have when you first met. The very same thing has happened to me, and I'm currently in the dating again stage. It's fun, all the fun and excitement of starting a new relationship, but with someone who I've loved for over 3 years beforehand.

 

As for how you should contact her, yes, it's probably best to wait for her to contact you when she wants to, maybe ask her if that is what she wants, and maybe you could send the odd text every few weeks if she hasn't contacted you, or just a friendly phone call, but when you do have contact, try to only be friendly, rather than trying to talk about the issues that are going on. There's plenty of time to talk about all that, and for now, it's probably best to leave that all behind, and just remind each other why you fell in love in the first place

[secret_agent_man]

Hi, I'm just past that point in my relationship.

 

What you did by writing your feelings in a letter was probably a good thing. Now, she has that to read over and over if she wants to. It'll be like you are saying it all over again, and if it's in your hand writing, that will be a nice thing for her...

 

You have made a great point already. Giving her space doesn't mean that you won't talk, but you need to do it on her terms. When she calls, talk to her, and don't keep it too long, don't stay on just because you can't let go. Say what needs to be said, just tell her what you've been doing with your time, and don't pry too much into her life. She'll feel like you're giving her space and not posessive.

 

Time can hurt pretty badly, I know. Just take it one day at a time, and don't expect her to call. If you start expecting things then you'll begin to worry too much.

 

You don't need to "move on" and see other people, you just need to be comfortable being alone right now. It will show you, as well as her, that you are strong.

 

Good luck!

S.A.M.

[cignaguy]

thank you all for your replies very much; they help a ton. i can't believe i found this site on a Yahoo search yesterday, glad i did though. do you think i messed up by talking to her a good bit right after we first split up? this has hurt me badly but it has been a huge eye opener for me, and if this relationship doesn't work, then I will take what I have learned to my next one down the road. I have learned so much from it about jealousy and trust. we have both had our wrongdoings, but i have focused solely on mine because there is no reason in me pointing out hers, she knows them.

 

i too am glad i sent her the cards. she probably got them yesterday, but i'm not sure how much of an effect my words had on her because her old roommate was also coming into town. so no telling if she could actually concentrate. but like you say, she'll have it to read from now on if she so chooses. if anything, i will just send a short email saying hi later or something.

 

Thanks again for everyone's help and input! It is greatly appreciated and needed.

 

Matt

[secret_agent_man]

do you think i messed up by talking to her a good bit right after we first split up?

No, I don't think so. There are things you just have to say. I did the same thing. You should try to look at it from a different perspective right now, though. Try to look at it as: "I've said what I can say, and she heard me. Pushing any more is not the right approach, and it probably won't benefit anyone."

 

this has hurt me badly but it has been a huge eye opener for me, and if this relationship doesn't work, then I will take what I have learned to my next one down the road. I have learned so much from it about jealousy and trust. we have both had our wrongdoings, but i have focused solely on mine because there is no reason in me pointing out hers, she knows them.

This is a very good and mature approach. Keep this in your mind and don't forget it. Everything hard in our lives are just learning experiences in disguise, I'm beginning to see this myself. I can see that your head is well grounded, and don't let your heart or emotions take over. Keep your head as well grounded as it is right now, it's a very powerful thing.

 

S.A.M.

[cignaguy]

Well, I am going on the 2nd day without any communication at all with her and it hurts like hell. I didn't send an email or anything yesterday. Should I at least send an email today to let her kow I am thinking about her and to reassure her that I think we can make everything work and to promise that I have changed and my jealousness and mistrust will not come back? She has had an old roommate in town since Thursday, and the roommate leaves today, so maybe I'll get some kind of contact after she leaves. If she contacts me in any way, then I definitely need to talk to her right? Or should I still wait to answer her a little bit? Any suggestions? Thanks again.

 

Matt

[missingthebears]

Well at least you know she wants to try, which is the most important thing. Sometimes people just need time apart to sort some things out. The great thing is that she acknowledges this but wants to maintain communication throughout, and ultimately wants to be with you. Be thankful you have at least that. My live-in girlfriend of 6 years wants to call it off completely because she needs "time to find herself". If she had even proposed just moving out for a while or a sort of "trial separation" while maintaining the relationship and communication, I'd be psyched.

 

So.. just be good and make sure she knows how you feel and hopefully everything will work itself out.

[cignaguy]

well, as of last night, i think it might be pretty much over actually. we talked on the phone and she sounded like she had pretty much given up. she "wants things to work out, BUT......" she thinks that things will go right back to the way they were and she will not give it another chance to allow me to show and prove to her differently. i have a question for anyone: she lives 250 miles away.....should i just drive and show up unannounced and ask her for one more chance ? how do you think she would take to this? i thought maybe her seeing me would be better chances for me.

 

Thanks,

 

Matt

[missingthebears]

Sounds eerily familiar. My girlfriend and I are back to talking and seeing each other socially again, but just as "friends" I guess for the moment, until end of August when she leaves the area to go back home. It's killing me, because I want another chance and I have this limited time window to change her mind in, if I can at all, and make her see why I love her so much and that it's worthwhile to save this. When I propose moving away and starting over somewhere different, she says the same thing as your girl. She's afraid that she's going to hurt me again, or that she's not good enough for me, and that she doesn't know who she is and doesn't like who she thinks she is and what she's done to me. But she claims she still loves me and starts crying whenever anything reminds her of us or she thinks about it too hard. Man, I just need her to understand why I love her so much and I truly think we could be happy again. It sucks, and I have no idea how to pull this off.

 

Sorry, end of tangent. To answer your question about driving out there, that's a tough one. On one hand it could be the boost that she needs to realize how much you love her (depending on the type of girl she is) or on the other, it could backfire horribly and you can have driven 4 hours only to find out that she's already made up her mind, and that would suck terribly.

 

(missingthebears)

[cignaguy]

thank you for the reply. well, i decided against driving to see her unannounced because she told me not to do that pretty much, that it would only anger her. i hope everything goes well for you. i asked her if she wanted me just to give up and she said, "maybe you should and just let nature take its course." i told her "no" that i was not going to give up. she says that she is just so afraid of my issues coming back, even when i promise her that they are not going to. i don't know how to make her realize this. i guess it is just something she has to do on her own. she says she still has a lot of anger built up from our arguments and doesn't know how to get rid of it. i wish i could tell her how. talking to people hasn't really helped her too much. i don't know who to tell he to talk to. i ust want her to get to the point where she can see me again without getting angry. I love her a ton and want this to work more than anything. I told her if she doesn't think it is going to work, then she will have to be the one to end it. She hasn't eneded it yet, so I guess that's good for now. I emailed a good friend of her's that she talks to on the internet to tell her how i felt and to see if she could help her. i haven't gotten a reply back from the friend yet, perhaps i shouldn't have played that card. oh well, i hope she comes around.

 

Thanks for the replies.

 

Matt

[cignaguy]

well, she let me go last night. i was on the computer and she popped up on IM. we talked a little and then i asked, "would you please be straight forward with me and tell me if we are basically done?" her answer was "for now, yes." that crushed me. she proceeded to tell me that she thought this was best for her right now. she said she can not seem to get rid of some of the anger in her mind that she has. she told me she was so sorry over and over and never meant to hurt me. but she says that she feels this is best and let God figure it out for us. she said if it is meant to be then it will happen.

 

part of me thinks she is doing this to allow herself to think clear-minded without any "tie" to me. i think she would not see the good things about us until she did this. any comments? anyone think she will call back after she has had time to digest and think about things? she told me that we didn't need to communicate right now. any thoughts on what will ahppen from here? females, what do you think? i will always have hope and faith for us because i know it could have worked. she told me to let her go and was crying a ton.

 

this is the most painful thing for me that i have ever been through. thank you all for your comments and replies and support. please reply if you have time.

 

Matt

[mysterios]

I have an understanding of the situation that you are experiencing. I am going through something minutely similar but on a much different level.

 

Even though I have not been with mine for as long as you have in your relationship. However we used to spend day after day -- hour after hour together.. and would stay up long nights with eachother. Bascially what had eventually happened was we got to a point where we were bored with eachother. On another note jealousy always came into role. We both did not have much trust in eachother when we would let one go off alone with a best friend. (Her's though was a bad influnce for a best friend..)

 

What ended up happening is we got to the point where everyday was an argument. We would always prove one another wrong.. just constantly argueing to the point it became no fun to be around one another -- it made us bitter towards eachother.

 

One night we called it off with eachother, and we we sitting on a couch at the time and said a few choice words (that you say when you're upset -- the ones you say and not totally mean but say in a way) to eachother. Lets say it went from sitting close to eachother to being on opposite ends of the couch, all because I brought up something that I was upset about. Thats where we decided it was over..

 

Well I stayed around even after we both ended the relationship.. and we didn't talk -- just sat and thought about things. We eventually began talking slowly and realized that it would be tough to be without eachother -- just that we need some space apart. We both agreed that we never wanted to lose eachother and the least we could be is friends.. after sharing that moment with eachother we both looked at eachother and gave eachother a great big hug.. displayed some emotions at the time with eachother.. What ended up happening is we made up to eachother -- but still kept it on a spending time away from eachother level, and we decided it didn't seem to be right making up if we need to spend time apart.. so we eventually ended the night..

 

The next day.. I was going to not call her to allow some time.. but she called me and wanted me to do her a favor -- so I did, and she later on hung out with her best friend and I came and visited her because she wanted to know if I wanted to see her.. So I went and we did some more talking.

 

Basically the moral I guess is that we both don't want to lose eachother, but just knowing that we needed some time apart -- I think just the fact of knowing and actually spending some time apart has in a scense made us closer -- we are not officially back together but we're treating it maturely, almost sometimes to the point where it feels like we never broke up sometimes.

 

yesterday I still saw her because I took her to work in the morning. Still did some of the things I did for her when we were together. We still call eachother when we feel the need to talk. Last night also saw her upon her request.. I was hanging out with my friends and one of them brought some girls with him and she found out about it -- well simultaneously she was going on a blind date that she didn't know about -- that her friend set up for her. So last night when we saw eachother we both told eachother about our nights and we both got jealous -- it was a different kind of jealousy though. Almost felt like we just met eachother and we wanted eachother so bad.. -- it freshened up our relationship..

She realized that the guys she met last night were good looking but did not share any good qualities in them (another thing I forgot to mention.. she has a baby girl of hers and an ex's -- which in this topic is totally unrelated) She said the only person she has ever trusted with her baby is me.. and that I've been the sweetest person to her ever.. Doing little things for girls that they remember is the most important thing to do -- they will always remember them and expect them when they try to find someone new.. she knew that its going to be hard to find the qualities I have.. so that made her decision of trying to work things out with me. -- We still are on a "not really sure if we're together" but on a really close friendship relationship.

 

 

So the advice I give to you.. is to be there for her.. don't make yourself so readily available for her though.. mostly when she needs you, and try not to go out of your way to remind her of you.. let her be reminded on her own. It will bring back her feelings for you. Whatever you do -- do not push things, or bring up old faults. Letting her know that you will change is one thing.. actually proving to her that you have actually is the better of the two things. Things may or may not work out -- you will never know.. Time is the key to making relationships work. My biggest fear was hearing a girl say that she needed time. Because in my mind that sounds like she didn't want to continue on.. It really doesn't. Girls chemistry upon girl to girl.. all varies -- but for the most part they don't think like us guys... We will try our hardest to get things back to where they were.. and we have in mind "well if we do all these things maybe they'll want us back.. " -- Yes and No on that one.. sure they will think of what we do as a treat.. however it may turn into an obsession and then it will really lose interest to the point of being an annoyance. So I hope that any of the advice I have shared and my story has helped at all with handling your past relationship.

 

Another good tip -- maybe what you want to try.. is bring up something she said that she most likely would have forgotten about. Bring it up to her in mid conversation, and she'll possibly respond in puzzled manner of "wow!.. you still remember that?".. (depending on the personality.) It will show her that you listen to her.. it may or may not mean much but it should mean something. Try to keep it something she said that was sweet or such a small moment that meant something to you. Keep it interesting though.

 

Good luck.

[cignaguy]

wow, thank you very much for your insight. the thing that is hardest about this is that we are 4 hours apart now. and she never (or hasn't yet) gotten back to the point where she is willing to let me come see her again. she basically let me go a couple nights ago. well, the more i thought about it yesterday, the more i wanted to send one final email expressing my feelings to her and that i was willing to wait on her to work her issues out. so i sent her an email. maybe i shouldn't have done that, but it was a last attempt at getting her to hear me. now, i am just going to carry on i suppose and she if she maybe contacts me in a few weeks or something. i don't know if she'll start missing me or not. she never replied to my email though that i sent yesterday, so i guess that could be good or bad.......maybe she just blew it off, maybe she blocked me, who knows. i just know that i cannot fathom how we could be engaged for almost a year up until about 3 weeks ago, and then now we are nothing and she has let me go. our arguing got bad and she just let the anger build up i suppose. my issues are gone now though that i had PLENTY of time to think about everything. i know they would not come back if she gave us another chance. i know they wouldn't. i have assured and reassured her of this, but i never got that chance. perhaps she went ahead and let me go so she could really get the time she needed to think and deal with her issues. i just hope i hear from her with a few weeks. i know she is busy with a summer class right now and getting a paper done, and the class ends next week. perhaps she will bemore open after that. i hope she gets the anger out of her mind also and begins to see the good things that are worth getting us back together.

 

Thank you again for your great post.

 

Matt