Need your advice on an old flame who won't "go" away

[lovemycoffee41]

My bf of 5 months broke it off with me about 9 months ago. He basically dumped me for my best friend, and I had a hard time dealing with it. Long story short, my best friend and I had words, argued, didn't talk for a bit, but we resumed our friendship. Forget the old boyfriend, I wanted to work on our friendship, and it's been really good.

 

I don't mind seeing them together at all, and I do usually since we have mutual social groups. My problem is I've dated plenty of men since the break up, but no one has sparked my interest like the old boyfriend did. He was my second serious boyfriend and I definitely saw a future with him. I loved his personality, we had tons in common, same goals, and he was close with all my friends which I enjoyed TO AN EXTENT, obviously, lol.

 

I'm beginning to date a great man now, we're still getting to know each other, but he has a lot of what I'm looking for in a serious relationship. My problem is, I tend to compare men to my ex who I'm friends with. He was obviously not the best man ever, he really hurt me, so why would I use him as a comparison to men I date now? It just bugs me how a thought will pop up, especially since I'm seriously considering dating this new guy. I'd never date this old bf again, however just parts of his personality really clicked with me. Ugh.

 

Any thoughts are appreciated, I'm open to any and all interpretations!

[AwdreeHpburn]

lovemycoffee...I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. Sounds like he had some great qualities. I don't see anything wrong with you wanting the same greatness in another.

 

Perhaps you could just start labeling the particular qualities themselves and not necessarily attach them to your ex, you know? Like, he had traits you like too and this is what they are.....

 

Comparing is never really a bad thing. Comparisons are what we use to gage (sp?) things. Like, I love my coffee really hot but the only reason I know that is because I've tried it cold and didn't care for it at all. So, compared to cold coffee, hot coffee is the bomb. I think comparing things is natural.

[Karibo]

I totally get what you mean. Check out my post called 'One and a half years on and we still aren't over each other' and it says how I am sometimes not interested in other guys because I never felt so strongly about anyone, before or since. It can be very frustrating. I know how you feel.

[Tigris]

This happened to me when I divorced my 1st husband and started going out with my second husband. Eventually I grew out of it but it took a long time. Don't worry about it.

 

Give your new guy a chance and see how things develop.

 

Good luck and have fun.

[coollady1957]

I think some bit of comparing is just going to happen when we start seeing new people. I wish you luck with your new guy you are seeing.

[lovemycoffee41]

Thanks folks, appreciate the feedback. I think it's just a personal thing I'm going to have to work through. I think it'll only be a super problem if I let it interrupt new relationships, but we'll see what happens. Thanks again!

[cfbpunxsy]

my ex hurt me but he didnt do it deliberatley...things happen. he was still the most wonderful man i have ever met. he treated me like a princess and i too, compare him to every potential prospect i come accross...but like you have said, no one compares. My ex...we arent close, and we barely talk, but when we chat on aim he says things like he can "hear my voice saying the words i am typing" and he knows what i'm thinking...he can still read me and we have not even hung out or been friends for almost a year... that is not a bad quality to compare another guy too... dont settle for a guy unless you know he will treat you just as good or better than ur ex.