Sex in the relationship --- is it good?

[Cyberchick]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm just wondering for those of you in relationships --- is sex good for you all the time? Was it good all the time in the beginning? I'm with a guy right now and I feel like it's getting better over time but it's happening slowly. Plus I have rocd and one of my obsessions is with our physical chemistry. So when I'm with him I find I am doubting whether or not it's good, it causes me alot of anxiety.

 

The great news is that I'm starting to realize that I really do love him ( even though I doubt it all the time ). I've still feel so incredibly comfortable with him 7 months later ( a record for me ) and I feel giddy with him in a way that I wasn't feeling with him in the beginning. He makes me laugh constantly, I feel like he is definitely one of my best friends, I've never had a boyfriend who is my best friend before and it feels awesome. He is a blessing.

 

I guess I'm just curious about your relationships.

[RooferGirl23]

I think it has its ups and downs... if your both really in the mood, then the sex will be great.. but if not, i can be rather mundane. after almost 4 years with my guy, i feel our sex is getting way better b/c we know just what makes the other "smile"...

[LostInMyThoughts]

It gets better over time, especially if you both are committed to making it better.

 

The downside is your anxiety is going to cause problems, which in turn will cause you more anxiety, and it's a downward spiral.

 

You said its getting better, but perhaps too slow for your tastes. Is there a way you can help the process along?

 

If not, just realize that is getting better, although slowly, but it is getting there. In the grand scheme of things 7-months isn't all that much time.

 

If you're worried about how it is for him, just check in with him once in a while. Don't keep asking about it. If its bad for him, he'll speak up.

 

You dont have to answer these questions, but think about them:

 

What about your sex isn't working for you?

 

How comfortable are you with your sexuality?

 

How important is sex to your relationship?

 

What about it is causing you anxiety? Is there a way to work through your anxiety, together?

 

Have you talked with your partner about your anxiety?

 

Good luck!!!

[keenan]

Ten year relationship: Was great the first three years, got boring for a couple years, then picked WAY back up and stayed fantastic. I think the older I get, the better it gets. Having fun with sex is partly learning to let go, have fun, and not obsess over details: you've gotta be able to laugh sometimes and be intense other times. Don't be afraid to get dirty. It's all good.

[Cyberchick]

Thanks for you replies. I feel like in alot of ways, sex is the tiniest part of what makes me feel close to him. The closest I feel to him is when he's holding me, when we're lying in bed together. But something always comes back at me saying that it's not enough. It's the damn ocd, it makes it incredibly difficult. I have to say though, it's nice to be able to enjoy closeness that's not sexual with someone who genuinely cares about me. I was with someone for 7 months who was very manipulative and conniving and although he was very tender towards me in the end, he never cared about me the way my boyfriend does now. And before him, it was a string of one night stands and short lived relationships with people I had absolutely no compatibility with or who treated me like a sex object. The other relationships were solely about sex. This relationship is about love and I'm glad I can feel other intimacy with him. Does that seem like a healthy relationship I should give a chance?

[keenan]

Thanks for you replies. I feel like in alot of ways, sex is the tiniest part of what makes me feel close to him.

 

That's understandable. I think you're very normal. As important as sex is, it's not really what makes me feel close to my husband. I feel closest to him lying in bed and talking, or even reading the paper next to him. But it's possible, and perhaps likely, that sex is a fairly significant part of what makes your guy feel close to you. This sounds weird, but at first it's almost like an investment. If you become easier going about sex, have it more frequently, more spontaneously, and try to let go of your tendencies to make it all perfect, you'll have more fun because no single encounter becomes a "MUST BE PERFECT" event: wine & music & candles & stress, oh my. Let each encounter be different and fun and easy. I think you'll get a lot more closeness from him in return, and pretty soon it becomes this great positive feedback loop and you'll each feel close to the other.

 

Oh and yes, I think this relationship sounds MUCH healthier than your others!! Sounds like it has great potential.

[Cyberchick]

Keenan, thank you for your reply. I don't know why, but it almost made me cry ( in a good way ). I think my bf is pretty happy with our sex life, but I think he's just as happy too, to just hold me and lie in bed talking and laughing. One night, my anxiety was really bad when we were making ( the anxiety just kills any potential for arousal ) and I asked him to stop. He never, not ONCE, made me feel at all bad about it. He just held me and it felt great. I know he's a unique guy, I'd be insane to let him go.

 

And you're right, once I let go of the perfectionist tendencies, it will get a lot better. I analyse every part of every encounter with him during and after the fact: what went right, what went wrong ( usually I focus on what went wrong ). Once I get in with my therapist and we start my cbt I hope things will improve alot more.

 

Thanks.

[keenan]

You're welcome!! He sounds like a really sweet guy. O

 

CBT is great....

[Süsser Tod]

I'm just wondering for those of you in relationships --- is sex good for you all the time?

 

No, sometimes it could be mind blowing, sometimes average, and sometimes just couldn't connect.

 

Was it good all the time in the beginning? I'm with a guy right now and I feel like it's getting better over time but it's happening slowly.

 

In the beginning it was good, basically the passion mixed with the initial horny-ness made it good. But with time came perfection, when you get to know your partner and know where and where to touch, where to kiss her, etc.

 

Plus I have rocd and one of my obsessions is with our physical chemistry. So when I'm with him I find I am doubting whether or not it's good, it causes me alot of anxiety.

 

With time it will get better.