becky23 Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Overall I've remained pretty strong, maintained nc, and haven't had a real urge to call my ex.. Now that the weekend is here, its a little harder because I used to spend the whole weekend with him. From my previous posts, I said that my ex, who was pretty verbally and emotionally abusive if I didn't act the way he wanted, broke up with me on Wed. He tried to call back after I had texd him how hurt I was, then I wrote him an email that same night (i still never took his calls) saying that I was sorry if my behavior (which you can break down as a bad week) was too much for him to stay with me over. I said that I had stuck with him through much worse, I didn't view his problems as "drama" like he did mine, and I wished him good luck and I would not contact him again. He responded by "call me now...." That was Wed, and I never called him back, and he hasn't tried to contact me, and I haven't contacted him. Im just a little sad thinking he might already be making plans with another woman, and he isn't even thinking about me. How do I get over that feeling?? It shouldn't matter because he most likely has deep down anger issues that he will reflect onto any woman, no matter their age difference, but as I told one poster, it still can't help but think he may find a woman that will make him so happy, that he wont treat her the way he treated me. Anyways, I guess I just need a little encouragement as the weekend is here, and Im kinda tempted to text him.... Link to comment
Beyondthesea Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Trust me baby, he will never find a woman who will not trigger his anger problems. No such woman/person exists, which is part of the problem with someone who is abusive. They aren't looking for the perfect woman, they are looking for someone kind, vulnerable, and that they can break down to their liking. He isn't making plans with another woman yet, he is still very fixated on you, much more than you realize. His attempts to contact you are going to get more frequent and more persistent as well. Be prepared for that. Go out with friends this weekend, or have a fun little makeover for yourself. Do some things that make you feel good, that spark interest you had to give up long ago to maintain a relationship with him, and give yourself a pat on the back. You will be alright darling. Email me/pm me if you are lonely Link to comment
becky23 Posted March 31, 2006 Author Share Posted March 31, 2006 Im going to the premier of Benchwarmers tomorrow, and going out with friends tonight, but its still in the back of my mind how he is moving on.. He really seemed to mean it this time when he broke up with me. His message was like, "It's over for good, I can't take your behavior, and I am saddened by it, but I wish you all the luck." He did try to call me after that, but probably out of anger and to yell. Oh well, Its better this way, now I can truly move on. Either way, you are right, he will never change his behavior. he is 35 and still single, so thats says something I guess. ANyways, I will stay strong, i just got a little down. Link to comment
gratefulpain Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 when I was feeling like that I went to the bookstore, we have Borders books by my house.. I would read books on relationships etc. trying to get my own understanding.... you must stay busy... tire yourself out....go to a movie with friends etc.. stay busy up unitil time for bed... turn your phone off tonight.. tomorows another day...... think about this: HE should be wondering what YOU'RE doing.... not the other way around.. you're a class act and a fine person....his loss Link to comment
Beyondthesea Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Don't worry, being sad is to be expected. Interesting how he blamed you for all these behavior problems you supposedly have when he is a walking behavioral problem 24/7. Honestly, abusive men are so skewed in their sense of what is right and wrong, which is why it gets so confusing in the mind. "Did I do something wrong? Should I have done something different? Will he find the woman he is so longing for now? Is there something wrong with me or should I have tried harder?" Answers: No He will never find the woman he wants because she doesn't exist. He wants someone to do his will, be his babysitter/mother, and put up with his abuse forever. That is not you. There's no person on Earth that he will be happy with. He isn't in love with anyone, he only knows how to continue the cycle of abuse. No, nothing you can do/not do, say or not say, and no way you are or are not will ever change him and there's nothing wrong with you at all. Also, right now he believes this is temporary and will blow over and you'll crawl back. When you don't within a few weeks, he will be calling and stalking you. Be careful. Have a fun weekend and know that you will feel badly for a while. You care, he didn't because he can't care for anyone and never will. There's nothing wrong with you and you will feel better soon Link to comment
becky23 Posted March 31, 2006 Author Share Posted March 31, 2006 You all are so awesome. I feel better already. Thank you! I take each response to heart Link to comment
blender Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Becky, Beyondthesea, hit the nail on the head, you are doing great, and you are "powerless" over someone else, this guy is who he is regardless of "who" he is with. This is HIS problem and please do NOT take it personally. These type of people, NEVER change, they keep "moving" like a shark so they NEVER have to truly "see" themselves, when the "break up" with someone who become "real" once the "newness" of the relationship wears off... well it's "too much" for them, he would have to REALLY look at HIMSELF.. trust me he does NOT want to LOOK AT HIMSELF, so he "runs", and remember he's only running from "himself" not you. He'll be running for many years to come... no woman, friend, perfect fantasy will come into his life, trust me, because "no matter where HE goes, there HE is!" Link to comment
vickyviking Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Becky, I was with someone who was really, really screwed up, who screwed me up and said I was too highly strung and too different to him. He has real problems with aggression and bad opinions of people. For ages I blamed myself and thought it was my fault. I now know he has to sort himself out and get help! All I will say is, try not to blame yourself, he will do so because he is screwed up. Don't let him screw you up too! I have pity for my ex as he has problems, but I have realised that I have to focus on *me* and what the future holds. I am sure it is going to be good. I hope the future holds some great stuff for you too! Link to comment
Mrocza Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 You're doing awesome Becky! Just a little rut in the road. Time to make some new routines. Break old bad habits. You're being very strong throughout this all, but you are human and you're entitled to get lonely every now and then. Do you have any close girlfriends on call you can hang with this weekend? Or maybe you can go to a video store and rent half a dozen of YOUR favourite movies, or go to Chapters, pick up something for yourself, go get some yummy take out and spend the weekend entirely absorbed with yourself. Pamper you. And as soon as you start feeling lonely or sad again, pop another piece of chocolate in your mouth, turn on some music and dance. It'll get easier with time. Link to comment
becky23 Posted March 31, 2006 Author Share Posted March 31, 2006 Thank you all! I guess I should not care what he is doing, who is he with, and just be greatful he isnt yelling at me right now. =) Link to comment
Beyondthesea Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Becky that's the spirit It will be ok. It will take a while for you to feel better, but you will. The trip may be long, but the scenery at the end is breathtaking HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS! Read that article Link to comment
Mrocza Posted March 31, 2006 Share Posted March 31, 2006 Lol, exactly. Think about the last time he was a childish loser. That'll make you feel TONS better. Keep it up, girlie! Link to comment
becky23 Posted April 1, 2006 Author Share Posted April 1, 2006 Yes, and I bet all he will do this weekend is sit on his couch, get st**ned, and play XBOX with his 30 year old friends. =) I won't have to hear him yell at me, tell me to shut up, ignore me, or tell me to leave ever again! Or hear him tell me to heel. =) yes! Its tough, but Im honestly not giving up much here, just the routine Im used to, but as you have all said, if I stay strong, soon I will be kicking myself for ever staying with him so long. Thank you all SO much. Each one of your responses has helped a lot. Link to comment
Beyondthesea Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 That's absolutely right, you are more addicted to the routine than you are missing him. Good for you Give yourself a pat on the back darling. It's hard to get out of something abusive, as silly as it seems. You grow addicted to the highs/lows and the resolutions that come and go too quickly unfortunately. I am very confident that you will stay away from him and move forward from him Link to comment
Mrocza Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 Replace Xbox with PS2 and you've got my ex!! :S Trust me, you're already feeling better. When you have enough time to look at it from an objective view point, you'll realize what a good choice you're making now. You deserve WAY better. Link to comment
blender Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 Becky, you sound like you are on the road to "finding yourself" again, we lose a part of ourselves each day we stay with someone/anyone who drinks too much. Please remember it will be an ebb and flow of having the strength to SEE the reality of this relationship, you will still have "moments/days" of thinking about him, missing him, but HE and the POTENTIAL you see does NOT exsist while he is STILL having a few drinks. So keep your head up, you're doing great. If you ever really loved him or still do, right now by removing yourself from his life, you are doing the MOST loving thing of all for him. And more importantly you are doing the most loving thing for YOURSELF. WE can NOT love another fully, until we have our values, and standards intact for ourselves, if we are compromising them it will lead to a hell you don't want or deserve to be in.... hang in there, we are all cheering for you and praying for him.... Link to comment
becky23 Posted April 1, 2006 Author Share Posted April 1, 2006 Thank you everyone for the encouragement and thoughts. I read them every time I start to feel sad, and it really re directs my mindset. I actually had no urge to call him last night, missed him, but didn't feel like calling. Maybe its because I knew in the back of my mind, it would only lead to more hurt, blame, and emotional abuse. i think im so scared of the emotional and verbal abuse, that ignoring him and putting him completely out of my life will repair all the damage. You all are awesome, and Im truly doing a lot better already. Link to comment
Mrocza Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 I'm happy for you That's the bright side, you finally know better. There's no going back to be tricked and manipulated now... Link to comment
Beyondthesea Posted April 1, 2006 Share Posted April 1, 2006 Good girl! Have a fun night tonight Link to comment
Beyondthesea Posted April 2, 2006 Share Posted April 2, 2006 Becky how are you doing? Link to comment
becky23 Posted April 2, 2006 Author Share Posted April 2, 2006 Just to update, he texted me last night as I was going to my girlfriends. He said just this, "U miss me?" I didn't respond, and he texd me again saying he missed me. To keep him from calling me, I just said, "im going out with some girlfriends, have a good night." He responded back with "come on babe, girlfriends? I love you." I didn't respond back, and he didn't bother me after, which I was surprised.. Normally if i ignore him he keeps texting back. Anyways, I stayed strong, and I have been having a great weekend with my family and friends, and not being bullied around by him. Its nice... Thanks so much for checking! You and everyone else have been a tremendous help. I will keep posting until he is out of my system if I have to. =) Link to comment
Beyondthesea Posted April 2, 2006 Share Posted April 2, 2006 Absolutely, make sure you do. We are all here to listen Link to comment
Mrocza Posted April 2, 2006 Share Posted April 2, 2006 It's good to write to get it all out. I know from personal experience...lol Keep it up. I honestly admire your strength through-all all of this. Link to comment
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