help

[RayKay]

Here, I found this on the site link removed.

 

It has a lot of tips for almost brides, but this is why I bring it up - this is their list of non negotiables: link removed .

 

I can't paste it here due to copyright issues, but I really advise anyone to read it honestly, it has some things both related to your situation, and I think that of many "almost brides".

 

A very interesting little site (not as good as us, but more relevant for you ).

[Hope75]

Im sorry hope but you have got it all wrong....I want to marry him because he is my bestfriend...there is more to a relationship than just affection. I realize that it is a big part of it. He doesn't say he doesn't know how to hug me, hold my hand, sit by me, etc. he says he can do that, does it for a short time the goes back to his old ways. I apologize if I gave you the wrong idea in my previous posts. I know exactly what I want and I have no doubt that he can give it to me it will just take major effort and I will be d*mned if I just give up because ya'll say he won't change. That is pretty pathetic if you ask me.

 

You are absolutely right- there is alot more to a relationship than just affection. What I was pointing out is that this is a need you have that isn't being met, and it's hurting you.

 

I did not and am not saying that you should give up on him, leave him, or never marry him. What I am saying is that maybe before you walk down the aisle with him you both need to come to an agreement about what is acceptable for both of you, so that BOTH needs are being met, and neither person is unhappy.

 

You said these things:

 

...the truth there is a tiny part of me that fears it will cause me pain....

 

it hurts me when he seems to rather give attention to his own hobbies and forget to hug me or give me a kiss...

 

I feel hurt by this and I tell him often how I feel there is just no change. I don't know how to get it through his head that I need to feel loved.

 

...i will be going forward with my wedding plans as i do love my fiance and cannot wait to be his wife although at this point i do not feel happy due to the lack of affection

 

Which is what led me to give you the response that I did.

 

And I tend to agree with RayKay- having been together with him just a short 9 months, you are just now getting to see the beginnings of the "comfortable" level a relationship reaches. This could just be who he is.

 

If you are happy with the way things are, as I said to you before by all means walk down that aisle now, but please don't ignore something that hurts you and get married just for the sake of doing so now. If he is your best friend and you love each other he will still want to marry you AFTER the two of you work out a reasonable compromise so that everyone's needs are being met.

[Jylaine]

Man you guys are good....I appriciate all the advice and think it's wonderful to have a site such as this to hear other peoples thoughts. I feel as though Tyler and I need to have another serious sit down talk about all that I am feeling. unfortunately he is out of town for work for a couple of days, maybe that is a good thing, to give me time to really ponder what I will say and how I will approach this subject in a calm way.

I must tell you all that we moved our relationship along very quickly and haven't been apart since our first date and maybe that is part of the problem as we didn't really have a dating period. I moved in after a week and haven't left. This week will be the longest that we have ever been apart. A good thing? I think it is so. I want to make a wise choice and have a healthy relationship with my man and in my heart I feel as though we can. We are starting our premarital courses next month maybe we can figuare more things out there....

[beachgirl]

OK, you are not going to like what I have to say, but I hope that you will listen to it because I have been married and divorced TWICE! The biggest lesson I have learned through 2 divorces is that love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. You have to be COMPATIBLE in the key areas of life in order for the relationship to survive. I loved both of my husbands very much, but I was incompatible with each one in a different way.

 

I like to look at it this way: You are in love, but have areas of incompatibility. Yours is that you are an affectionate person and he is not. For someone else, one may be a spender and one may be a saver. For another one may be a slob and one may be a neat freak. Some couples may have other areas of incompatibility and some may be incompatible in multiple areas. You get the idea! In the beginning of a relationship, the being in love part outweighs the areas of incompatibility. Being high on being in love, (or planning a wedding) you may not even be aware of the areas of incompatibility in the beginning. That's why they say "love is blind". In your case as you very much want to get married and believe that being in love will be enough to make it work.

 

BUT, over time (after the "honeymoon period" is over) the incompatibility "wears away" at that love until the issues seem to outweigh the love. Do I think couples who have areas of incompatibility can make it work? Sure, but it will take a lot of work for both partners and, in my opinion, counselling with a professional therapist to learn how to overcome these issues.

 

If you've ever seen a TRULY happy couple, you will notice that their relationship seems to flow and they make it look easy. Because they are COMPATIBLE in the key areas, their love is being "built up" by that feeling that they are compatible with each other. They feel like 2 halves of a whole. Sure there are times when you have to work at every relationship, and every relationship has it's ups and downs. But a truly good/happy relationship flows alot better than one that has issues. And that flow comes from compatibility. If you are in a truly good relationship, the happy times should FAR outweigh the bad times. And I mean you should be happy and satisfied and have your needs met 95% of the time.

 

The biggest mistake most women make is that they think that they can change those one or 2 things they don't like about their partner and then everything will be "perfect". I have rarely seen this happen and have myself tried to change someone and have had men try to change me. It's a losing battle to fight.

 

I'm sorry, but I have to agree with the others. You are not getting your needs met and are willing to give up your need for affection in order to marry this man. You are putting your head in the sand here by believing that you can just give up that part of you that needs (and DESERVES) affection. You are not going to change him and you are not going to have your needs met. You are not going to be happy and he is going to know that. And that in turn is going to make HIM unhappy.

 

You DESERVE to have your needs met!!!

 

I think you should postpone the wedding and get some couples counselling before getting married....

[RayKay]

beachgirl, absolutely brilliant post, and clearly spoken from experience!

 

Fantastic, and I agree 110%.

[Hope75]

I second beachgirls's post... fabulous and spoken of the true wisdom that only comes with the actual experience....

 

 

I hope you will consider her advice!

[Jylaine]

Okay I need to reply to this one...I thought beachgirl your post held some very good points however I will be going forward with the wedding and we will have a happy healthy marriage. It really isn't that bad, go ahead say I am blind and have my head in the sand that is fine this relationship will work. If you think that in order to hold a healthy and happy relationship you need to be 100% compatible you are sadly mistaken. There are no two people alike and the way that I see it is that all relationships take work and I do believe that some of it is hard work.

I do believe that our honeymoon period is over and I am seeing some other things in Ty that I may not have seen in the start but thats okay. He is not affectionaite and I am wow that means we should postpone a wedding that we have worked so hard to plan I do not think so. Thank you for your thoughts. I am able to go up to my fiance when I need a hug and he will give me one, when I want to sit by him I will go and sit by him, when I want to hold his hand I will hold his hand. I don't need him to always be the one to initiate the contact. I think I have solved my own problem. And just for info. we are going into premarital couselling so I think that is a good step for us and we will be just fine.

[VeganBohemian]

You knew one another for 3 weeks and you were willing to movie in with him? He shows you little affection and you still want to marry him? Are you sure you aren't just blinded by your need for being in a relationship and you are jumping a gun because that?

[beachgirl]

If you think that in order to hold a healthy and happy relationship you need to be 100% compatible you are sadly mistaken. There are no two people alike and the way that I see it is that all relationships take work and I do believe that some of it is hard work.

 

Being compatible does not necessarily mean being alike. It means that where there are differences it WORKS for both people for some reason. For example, I have a friend who is a compulsively neat person who is married to an absolute slob. Now this would be an area of incompatibility for most couples, but she LOVES cleaning up after him. It makes her feel needed and useful in the relationship and she loves taking care of him. He in turn, loves being taken care of. They are different, but it works for them, so they are compatible.

 

Your fiance is not affectionate and you are. You are different, but in this case it is an area of incompatibility because it does not work for you. You wish that he would change and be more affectionate with you. If this is your only area of incompatibility and you are seeking premarital counselling, there is a good chance you can make it work in spite of this difference. Just be sure to stress that your need for affection is not being met during the counselling sessions.

 

I agree that every relationship takes work ONCE IN AWHILE. But a good relationship shouldn't take work often and should rarely take really hard work. (barring outside circumstances like serious illness etc) The difference between a good, average, and bad relationship is the percentage of easy versus hard days.....

[Dako]

Over 10 or 20 years, a lack of affection can become more than a minor detail. It can undermine your whole life.

Be careful.

[Jylaine]

Alright where to start....we just got back from a 20hr road trip together which means a lot of time together alone and time to talk. We spoke aout how I was feeling and he understands. He was raised in a home that wasn't affectionate where I did. We have different backgrounds and it's okay. He is working on being more affectionate with me and I can see that. If I made it sound as though he never touched me I am sorry because that isn't the case he does. It is just more on his watch. When he wants to he does. He told me he just doesn't think about it.

 

 

When we moved in together it was because we loved eachothers company, which we still do, I am sure that I am not just going to marry him because I have a need to be in a relationship, I am going to become his wife because I love him, all of him! I hear what you all are saying and thank you but you don't know the whole story. Not one of the postings seemed to be a positive one. Not one gave me advice other than to be careful or to postpone the wedding which to me is not kool.

[WildChild]

I think you need to go and reread things. I believe I may have mentioned his background as a possibility??????

 

Those of us who are and have been married have a better understanding of married life than those who have never been or engaged.

[mystik]

Not one gave me advice other than to be careful or to postpone the wedding which to me is not kool.

 

Jylain, please don't take this the wrong way but, you came to this forum and posted a problem that you felt you had, one that you felt strongly enough to take the time to type out. This indicates to us that thereforeeee, there is something to be concerned about. I'm sorry that you didn't find the advice or words you were looking for, but what else could we have said? No one is going to tell you to disregard your feelings, that he will suddenly change, or that you marriage will for certain be a success. You questioned your relationship, and people went from that. In the end, it is your own choice, as you will know best...but do not get angry when you don't hear what you want to. People (single, married, dating, and divorced) people are giving you their honest opinions - no one is going to lie to you.

[Jylaine]

Wildchild I am sorry your posts were awesome. I thought about you after I hit reply. Tyler read what you wrote and thought you were bang on. So thank you very much for all the things you wrote and for your advice.

[Phoenix69]

Jylaine,

I know exactly where you are coming from. My ex was exactly the same. I am exactly like you. I need my cuddles and affection from the love of my life, and when I don't get it, that is when I start to feel inadequit (spellcheck)

I constanyl told himm that little things go a long way, like little kisses when you least expect them, a cuddle cause you're having a bad day. S (just an initial in case of privacy act or something) used to tell me he wasn't romantic and wasn't built like that. I strongly disagree. I think if you love a person enough or care about how they feel, you would try and at least make a small effort to make them happy. Not just blow it off with "I'm not built like That"

Think very carefully before you marry this one. You may well work through it, but from experience, it doesn't usually work that way. You will just get more and more depressed the less attention he pays you. This will in turn make you want to be with him more and will make demnds on him you wouldn't usually make. You WILL push him further away the more you try and hold on. I think this is what cause my boyfriend and I to break up. It was only a week ago and it still hurts, but I know that I am a better person because of it, and will without a doubt find someone who loves cuddles and affection as much as I do.

Good Luck, and as hard as it may be to let go, remember no matter what happens, you will continue being you and only you can stop yourself from achieving what you want.

[WildChild]

Wildchild I am sorry your posts were awesome. I thought about you after I hit reply. Tyler read what you wrote and thought you were bang on. So thank you very much for all the things you wrote and for your advice.

 

Ah, no problem...I have to admit I did a double take when I read that LOL Glad to hear he is making an effort and you are willing to be patient as he does

[Jylaine]

Yes I believe that you would have to take a double take haha...I was just feeling frustrated when I kept reading how everyone said I should use caution while making the choice to marry him or that I should postpone the wedding. When I made the first post I was looking for suggestions on how I may be able to cope or suggestions on how I may be able to improve the current situation. I was not asking if I should or should not get married to him. So thanks wildchild...

[WildChild]

You're welcome!