help

[Jylaine]

Well I am getting married in less then 3 months and my fiance and I are going through some tough times. I am a very affectionate person and need to feel loved, where as my partner isn't that way. He rarely touches me unless we are going to bed and he doesn't even just snuggle with me. I feel hurt by this and I tell him often how I feel there is just no change. I don't know how to get it through his head that I need to feel loved.Any advice???

[RayKay]

Well, if he is not naturally a physically affectionate person, it's not likely something that will change...it is part of whom he is. Just as he can't tell you to be LESS affectionate.

 

We are all different in that respect. You can't force someone to change, though you can decide whether it is "enough" for you, or whether the other ways he shows affection are more then enough. Neither of you is wrong for how you show affection, but you have to be able to both feel loved by how it's shown, and that's its right for you.

 

I advise you hold off getting married if you are going through "tough times" or unhappy. Marriage won't change it, only exaberate it.

[Tigris]

Alarm Bells are ringing!

 

If you two are having problems like this now then I think you should be sorting it out before it gets any closer to the Wedding!

 

How long have you been going out with him? Didn't you realise he was like this before or have you suddenly woken up to the problem? Love is blind remember!

 

The key to a successful marriage is communication and problem solving.

 

In the end it's you who has to make the decision whether you love him enough to go through a marriage with this problem. Nobody can make that decision for you.

 

I hope you can both solve this problem.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Jylaine]

Well thank you for your quick reply to my affection question and I believe you are correct, I had never taken the time to think about it in that aspect, however I love him to much and want to be married to him more than anything so I don't think we will hold off on the wedding, but thanks for the reply.

[Scotcha]

The only advice I have is to not marry this man. It is so important to be loved the way you need to be loved. This man either isn't capable of doing this or doesn't care enough to. Why would you want to sentence yourself to a marriage that left you unfulfilled? I understand completely how you feel as I'm a very affectionate and snuggly person myself. Some people would consider the ammount of physical closeness I need to be clingy or annoying. In fact, I've been told that... But if I hear that now it's how I know that the relationship isn't right. I used to try and not be this way but it is just the way I am. I could never be happy any other way regardless of how much I loved him. Finding someone more compatible will make such a difference, I promise you.

[Jylaine]

We have been together for only 9 months. I realize that most will read that and go wow are you ever silly...but we are in love with eachother and there is more good than bad. I just feel a little unwanted at times although I know that isn't the case. He gave me a lot more affection at the start of our relationship and always made comment on how he never could give his other girlfriends attention...now it kind of hurts that he can't give me affection either...But I am sure we will work through this.

[Jylaine]

wow my heart is breaking reading all the do not marry him messages....I have just never thought of ending the relationship but maybe.....I'm not sure I can even say it....Am I really being that blind and that foolish to think that it is all okay?

[RayKay]

We have been together for only 9 months. I realize that most will read that and go wow are you ever silly...but we are in love with eachother and there is more good than bad. I just feel a little unwanted at times although I know that isn't the case. He gave me a lot more affection at the start of our relationship and always made comment on how he never could give his other girlfriends attention...now it kind of hurts that he can't give me affection either...But I am sure we will work through this.

 

Hmmm, it should not even be about weighing "more good then bad". I have tough times in my relationship too, but I never "weight them", I don't need to as I know 100% I am loved and respected, and same for him. Even the tough times are "good" as we never forget that we do love and show one another that.

 

Do you really know this man after 9 months? How old are you two? What is your previous relationship experience?

 

Beware of someone whom says they could never give other gfs affection either, it does not bode too well for you in general.

[Jylaine]

I am 23 years old and he is 25. I was not trying to weigh our issues but merely making a point as when you post something on a site it seems as though you only post the bad and not the good. And I agree you should always take something out of a negative situation and we do.

[Scotcha]

You've only been with him for 9 months. That's long enough to love someone but in reality it's not a very long time, especially not long enough to consider marriage. You said that in the beginning he was more affectionate but you can't accurately judge a relationship or it's potential by that beginning honeymoon phase. That part of a relationship never lasts no matter how great it is.

 

He's told you that in the past he wasn't able to give his girlfriends affection. This is simply the way he is and it has nothing to do with you at all. I also think that it it very unlikely to change.

 

How happy could you be if you were to marry him knowing this? That your husband is incapable of loving you the way you need and want to be loved?

[Jylaine]

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head right now and am feeling a little unhappy...we have lived together since 3 weeks of being together we have moved fast and both have the same dreams, morals, goals, values and ideas and hopes for the future...I feel as though I would be throwing away the most amazing thing if I don't let this affection thing go. I realize that there will be a part of me that misses the affection but I think I will be just fine in the long run.

[RayKay]

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head right now and am feeling a little unhappy...we have lived together since 3 weeks of being together we have moved fast and both have the same dreams, morals, goals, values and ideas and hopes for the future...I feel as though I would be throwing away the most amazing thing if I don't let this affection thing go. I realize that there will be a part of me that misses the affection but I think I will be just fine in the long run.

 

The truth is he was affectionate in the beginning as it was the honeymoon period. You should be with someone for whom they are...not what they were, or what the *could be*.

 

I am not saying throw it away, but I am saying you have to decide whether you can live with this forever. As if this is the way he is, that is the way he is. If you can, then great.

 

Just don't settle for being unhappy.

[WildChild]

Although I think it has to be said that he isn't going to change unless he wants to, I also think it should be said that just because this is causing problems doesn't mean they should hold off on the wedding because it "has some underlying problem or meaning." Obviously her problem needs to be resolved, however if he doesn't feel it is a problem there are two resolutions: 1) Live with no affection and accept it with no resentment or 2) Don't live with it and decide if this is enough to put a wedding off.

 

Planning a wedding is stressful and when the date is growing near this puts a lot of stress on a relationship. I think sometimes people are too quick to not look at the whole picture. If there were other serious issues going on, then a closer examination of putting the wedding off may be needed, but to direct someone to call off the wedding not knowing the complete details of what the problems are is not fair to the poster.

 

Sidenote: 9 months may seem soon to some and not to others. I bet we all know someone who met and were married in record time.

[RayKay]

Wildchild...I did not say call off the wedding, I did say postpone it if they are having a lot of issues (she said they have been having some tough time and she is unhappy) until she figures it out. Because getting married won't change those issues.

 

I know weddings can be stressful - but that in itself can be a good indication of how people will handle stress in other aspects of the relationship too.

[Jylaine]

We are going through a tough time but that being my need for more affection and minor normal relationship issues. I thank you all for your individual replys and have takin them all into consideration however i will be going forward with my wedding plans as i do love my fiance and cannot wait to be his wife although at this point i do not feel happy due to the lack of affection but hey I can go get a hug from my girlfriends and we can carry on..haha

[WildChild]

RK, getting married won't resolve their issues, no. However, maybe some of the problems they are experiencing is due to the stress of the wedding and without them even realizing it. Marriage/wedding, even though it is an exciting and important part of ones life, is one of the "stressors" in psychology. I wasn't pointing fingers at anyone, I was making a general suggestion about holding off without knowing what the other problems are. It is not uncommon for people to get jitters and start questioning everything about the relationship. All of a sudden something that never was a problem is a problem because people think to themselves "Can I live with him leaving the toilet seat up even though it is my pet peeve" or "Can I live with her for the rest of my life when she chews like that". This is the rest of your life, and that's why they are called "last minute jitters" or "cold feet".

[Jylaine]

Wow wildchild I think you've nailed it on the head...I believe you are so right in saying what you've said. I think I am getting pre-wedding jitters...I think that I can deal with the lack of affection and I have no problem letting him know that it hurts me when he seems to rather give attention to his own hobbies and forget to hug me or give me a kiss...I don't think he can change over night nor do I think he will change any time soon but non the less I love him for many reasons and enough reasons to want to spend my life with him. Thanks

[Hope75]

The thing is- he doesn't seem to be following a pattern of being stressed about the wedding. This lack of affection has been a problem for him in past relationships too.

 

If you marry him with your eyes closed to this and thinking that it will get better after the wedding, I fear you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

However, if his lack of affection is something that you feel you can accept and be OK with, and still feel happy, secure and loved in thsi marriage, by all means go ahead.

 

I just cringe when I read you saying that even though you are unhappy, you are going to marry him anyway, and how many of the 50% of marriages that end up in divorce start out that way.

[Jylaine]

Yes a lot of marriages end up in divorce however I am entering this knowing what I am up against. I feel like I can deal with his lack of affection but to tell you the truth there is a tiny part of me that fears it will cause me pain. But hey who knows. All I can do is pray that God will help is through all the hard times and hope I can learn from it all. I want Tyler to realize how much it does make me feel unwanted at times. Especially at times when I am feeling down and out but we will work on it together as a team.

[RayKay]

How does he respond when you tell him you feel he is "unaffectionate" and that you feel "unwanted"? How does he propose to address the issue?

 

I don't know about you...but feeling WANTED is what helps me make it through the hard times.

[Jylaine]

Oh agreed raykay feeling wanted gives me strength...when Ty and I talk about how I am feeling he says he understands where I am coming from and wants to help make me feel more wanted. He asks me to tell him what to do to help and I tell him I just need little things like holding my hand when we go out, hugging me when I am feeling down, sit by me when we watch tv, etc...it's like he gets it but doesnt know how to be like that. He certainly was affectionate when we first started dating.

[Hope75]

So,

 

When you tell him what you need to feel wanted and loved, and he tells you he doesn't know how to hold your hand, sit by you, or hug you, does that make you feel sad?

 

You are giving him concrete examples of ways that you can feel more secure and loved, and he tells you can't do it.

 

You've been together less than a year- do you think at some point you will grow tired of this? Want to be with someone who does show you the affection you crave?

 

I think you want to marry him so badly you are not thinking of the big picture. If this is something that hurts and bothers you now, it's not likely to change when you marry him, only magnify because you seem to think it will change, and when it doesn't, you will likely resent him and yourself for plunging ahead, knowing that you weren't happy to begin with.

[Jylaine]

Im sorry hope but you have got it all wrong....I want to marry him because he is my bestfriend...there is more to a relationship than just affection. I realize that it is a big part of it. He doesn't say he doesn't know how to hug me, hold my hand, sit by me, etc. he says he can do that, does it for a short time the goes back to his old ways. I apologize if I gave you the wrong idea in my previous posts. I know exactly what I want and I have no doubt that he can give it to me it will just take major effort and I will be d*mned if I just give up because ya'll say he won't change. That is pretty pathetic if you ask me.

[WildChild]

Both RayKay and Hope75 make a very sound point. Although it may seem simple enough for him to hold your hand or give you a hug, some people are not comfortable doing so. He may have been raised in a home that showed little to no affetion, or maybe in one of his last relationships he showed affection but she rejected it. It's very easy to say that once you get married things will get better, but as RayKay and Hope75 pointed out it doesn't and sometimes gets worse. As I mentioned before, sometimes things seem to creep up on you before the wedding. However, you do need to stop and see in your heart of hearts if this is something you can or cannot live with. If you examine this part or aspect of the relationship, and without adding in any other factors or his good points, can you live without any affection? You can only make that decision, not him. This is a need you have. If you can show him affection without him rejecting you, would that be a happy medium or compromise? Yes, this would place you in having to initiate the affection that you need, however on the flip side, if he doesn't reject it then you will still be able to show affection and receive it even if you are the one who initiates it. Just a thought.

[RayKay]

Oh agreed raykay feeling wanted gives me strength...when Ty and I talk about how I am feeling he says he understands where I am coming from and wants to help make me feel more wanted. He asks me to tell him what to do to help and I tell him I just need little things like holding my hand when we go out, hugging me when I am feeling down, sit by me when we watch tv, etc...it's like he gets it but doesnt know how to be like that. He certainly was affectionate when we first started dating.

 

He knew how to do it before, so why doesn't he know it now?

 

I don't think it's a matter of him not knowing HOW, because history shows he does indeed know how...I think it is more you are finding out his true "affection scale" and how he is, which is normal to find out 6-12 months into a relationship after the "honeymoon phase" is ending.

 

I know exactly what I want and I have no doubt that he can give it to me it will just take major effort and I will be d*mned if I just give up because ya'll say he won't change.

 

The bottom line is it has to be something he wants. I don't know how people do change their "affection scale" like that...now every relationship is different, but everyone has their own level of "affection" and it's not something someone can "force to change" in themself nor can someone else do it. It has to be something they genuinely feel and do. I don't think "affection" is something that should take "major effort" honestly - it's there or it isn't there.

 

If there is to be change, it is only if he truly wants to and makes an effort to.

 

You know what you want, but what does HE want? Does HE want to change?

 

So ask yourself if in marrying him you can truly accept him for whom he is and what he is NOW, not what he was in the beginning...the beginning is the honeymoon period, it's when everyone is at their "best"...it's the man he is NOW you should be wanting to marry.