Another unexpected call.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello everyone.

 

Another update for those of you familiar with my story. It seems its always a phonecall from her that stirs my emotions.. I think more so, the unexpected ones.

 

We do still talk to eachother. Once every few days, she will call, and I am expecting it, because she'll let me know when she will be calling next. Its good and bad. Good because there is no uncertainty of knowing wether or not I will speak to her again. For some reason, knowing that we will talk, soothes me. On the other hand, leading up to the expected phonecall seems to build my anxiety. I get nervous, and scared. But that usually disappears the moment I hear her say hello.

 

But what really gets me, are the unexpected calls. Since i last updated, I got a contract to finish a basement. Yay! My first attempt at getting back to work since we broke up back on January 2nd. I am happy to say that I was suprisingly excited about getting back to it. A change of pace is something that I needed. When I told her, she too was very happy for me. We spoke on Tuesday, and I had scheduled the job to start on Friday.

 

So Friday morning started as most any other typical work day. Take the dog out, make a coffee, catch up on who won what in the world of sports the night before.... when the phone rang.

 

I was startled at first. It was 6:30 am. So I answered, and it was her. She said that she wanted to catch me before I left for work. That she knew I was starting a job, wanted to wish me luck and to know that she was thinking about me, and is happy that I am starting to get back on my feet.

 

I dont know how you would have taken this, but it floored me. It always does. In a bittersweet way. Actions speak louder than words right? Well, it is the things like this that make me believe that she still cares a great deal about me. But those same thoughts lead to tiny doses of unnecessary hope.... and I KNOW that isn't a good thing.

 

So what am I left with at the end? Well all I can tell you is how my day went. I left for work with a massive smile on my face. I had a VERY productive day, and think that this job may lead to many more if I so choose. After a hard days work, I came home satisfied. The job is going smoothly, and I felt good.

 

But the first thing I wanted to do, was see her. Talk to her. Tell her how everything went. I wanted to hold her, kiss her and laugh with her. I still miss her so much. And no matter how good things seem.. they just dont seem good enough, unless I can share it with her.

 

Trying to keep a smile on..

 

JP

[moink75]

I know what I do... I screen my calls. I don't want to be caught offguard by my ex. Get caller ID. What are your hopes for this relationship?

[Jjasonn28]

What are your hopes for this relationship?

 

Hmm.

 

That is a tough question. When I hear it my heart screams answers that conflict with what my head says. Hope is a scary word.

 

I guess, a safe answer would be that I HOPE that both her and I are able and willing to learn from what brought us to where we stand today. And with that, move forward and build stronger foundations and better understanding for what it is to 'love'.

 

Now that being said, and so obvioiusly wrapped in 'politically correctness', my instinct, my heart and even my mind at its most logical tell me that her and I came to be, more for just a 'learning experience'. It seems obvious, even to those outside the situation, that there is something more between us. Exactly what that is remains to be seen I guess. Lifelong friendship? Or perhaps it is nothing more than just two people with massive hearts caring more for eachother than we should..

 

My hopes say a lifelong partnership. A connection that combines friendship, romance, intimacy and spirituality. But I am keeping those hopes on a short leash. Perhaps for fear that they would run away, and never come back.