fork in the road; a terrible secret-please help!

[faeriedoll]

I have been married to my husband for twenty years. I was only 19 when we got married and have been worried that it was a mistake since the very beginning. Although we were using birth control I became pregnant the first year and so have stayed with him since. We now have one more child, who is 12.

My husband was an alcholic but has stopped drinking in the last two years. However, now that he is not drinking anymore we have learned that he has bi-polar disorder and Tourette's syndrome and that's why he has always been erratic, mean, immature, angry, etc. I have been reluctant to leave him for many reasons, some selfish and others reasonable. On the reasonable side, I have my children to think of; their sense of family harmony, their financial status, their stability. Selfishly, I must also consider the fact that I have no college degree and have not worked since high school and so my financial position is very precarious. I have no family to support me emotianally as they all live on the other side of the country. My children are happy and doing well; I have always been on the school board and have been PTA president, etc, I have been very involved with them and hate to upset them.

Now, my awful secret.....starting about a year and a half ago I began an 'affair of the heart' with a man ten years younger than me (and almost twenty years younger than my husband). At the beginning there was some hanky-panky but we quickly felt too guilty and decided to do nothing physical until my divorce. My husband and I went back and forth about divorce; he always claims to love me more than anything else in the world and begs me to stay. I always waver at the last minute and stay.

Finally my bf got tired of my wishy-washy behavior and told me not to call until I have served my husband divorce papers (and I have heard from mutual friends that he is waiting for me and confident I'll leave my husband). He has not been married and has no children and so I feel that he doesn't understand my reluctance to leave....also, he will not make a firm commitment to me because he says he doesn't want that to influence my leaving. He says he loves me more than any girl he's ever been with and that I am his 'ideal mate'. I love him and am attracted to him. I also love my husband but in an almost fatherly way (I have told him this).

I feel terrible about everything and truly wish I could be with my bf as he shares more interests and so on with me; but I hate to hurt my husband and children.....also I will lose my house and so on and that makes me very nervous. I feel guilty and stupid and bad and if there was a way to split into two and make everyone happy I'd do that. Any advice?

[crookster_man]

Well quite frankly you have caused this situation now you are going to have to figure out a way to solve it. Plainly said you knew full well getting into this situation that it would result in heartbreak and pain. That is now inevitable. Someone is going to get burned in this. Either your BF or your Husband.

 

One thing I'll guarantee is that you will get burned. Because you have forgotten your obligations to your family and to your self. You see one thing you will learn very quickly is that the grass is hardly ever greener on the other side.

 

You will lose your home, your status, and the respect of your children and of your larger family. The love you have for this new man will probably falter and you have both proven that marriage and commitment mean very little, chances are further infidelity will happen on either side of the table.

 

I'm not trying to attack you, just trying to burst this fantasy bubble that you have created. It's time you go to a counsellor with your husband and start working out your marriage. If that fails and you truly cannot love him (or he can't forgive you) then you may have to split. BUT you cannot go with this other guy. It would cause nothing but bad blood... Heed my warning; take it for what you will. You are playing with fire, and you WILL get burnt, how bad it is, is up to you...

[fallinstar]

Think you must really be in pain and turmoil with all these issues in your mind... 1st and foremost, i think you are really a great mother and you have done your duities as a mother - thus, you are really free to make this decision with just YOU in mind.

 

Though i am not married, no kids, however, i understand what you go through... coz i came from a family background that is almost exactly the same as yours. My mom got married at 15, had the 1st child at 15. My father had since passed away but he was really a wife abuser and worse, a womaniser. My mom stuck it out with him till he passed on. amazing? i think so too... But my mom said she did it for us, not to have a broken family.. but, that's for you to decide.

 

I feel that... you should stick with your husband and forget your boyfriend. 2 wrongs doesn't make 1 right. You may think that leaving your husband is the best thing, but... who can tell if your present boyfriend may end up doing the same! Remember how u got hitched to your husband the 1st time? Don't let history repeat itself.

 

I also cant say for sure if your husband really meant what he says. however, he still is your husband. You should talk to him on how to reconcile. That both of you need to seek family conselling and he needs to go and see a doctor and a counselor for his condition. Talk. Really talk to him... with no intention of divorce but of reconciliation. Think of how to remedy the situation. MARRIAGE IS FOR LIFE. Remember your marriage vows...

 

Give your husband a chance to change. Sometimes, men need wakeup calls like this to change. Well, in fact lots of ppl are like that. He may still love you after all...

 

The choice is yours. Take care.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When the going gets tough.... life goes on"

[faeriedoll]

Actually, I haven't forgotten my obligations, and I don't feel attacked because, generally speaking, I agree with you. However, I feel my husband's issues certainly contributed to my situation with my bf; and as a matter of fact, my husband flat out otld me more than once that I didn't have to honor my marriage vows as he knew he was being awful to me.

It is very hard to be married to a person with a mental illness and I have stayed with him through some dramatically awful things I can't go into here. I am not making excuses, I'm just looking for advice. Has anyone been through something similar?

[faeriedoll]

Thanks, Fallinstar, that makes a lot of sense.......

[secret_agent_man]

These are definitely harsh words, but I have to agree. He's not coming on any stronger than needed. You have to realize that the boyfriend didn't put you here, you put yourself here, so you need to figure out what your next move is. As was mentioned, you've already shown how important your commitment was, so if you want to salvage your family, I would suggest doing a 180 degree turn. Abandon the relationship with the boyfriend, and work on the marriage that you yourself said those wedding vows to. If you are having problems with your husband, keep trying to work it out. It's tough when you made the decision so young, but it's a decision you made for yourself. If you loved him enough t marry him, then you must still care for him. Try to figure ways to grow that love, as opposed to abandoning them while times are tough.

 

On the reverse side, if you honestly want to leave, no one is stopping you except yourself. Come to terms with what it will do to your family first, and if you can live with that pain, then do what you must.

 

Remember always that you can't have a "happy home" and a boyfriend on the side at the same time...

 

Good luck, choose carefully.

 

 

S.A.M.

[Genesis]

You are still displeasing to God by commiting adultery. Your boyfriend should not be a factor in your choice to stay with your husband. I say you should work on your marriage. Their are a lot of people living with Bi-polar and Terr. syn. who have successful lives. I know of a NBA star who has Terr. Syn. and lives a pretty normal life. You married your husband for better or worse, how would you feel if your boyfriend left you b/c you were sick.

 

You need to forget about your boyfriend and work on helping your husband out. Go to couples therapy, and he can go for personal therapy too. Go to your church and talk with your pastor, go to couples Bible studies classes. Find something to do that you both like. Do not give up on your marriage you must be strong, if you fall for flattery you will fall for anything.

[faeriedoll]

Genesis,

Actually, I am not committing adultry because I am not sleeping with or having a sexual relationship with my bf. We did a couple of times in the beginning but we knew it was wrong and stopped. Now we are not seeing eachother at all.

I can't help that he is a factor in whether I leave my husband. I know it isn't politically correct but I'm being honest, he IS a factor. I have stayed with my husband for 20 years and through sickness and health and alcholism and his terrible rages. It isn't right for me to stay in a situation where I am treated badly for so long when I have really tried hard (20 yrs is longer than you think).

As for vows; did he not promise to treat me with honor and respect? Instead he has treated me in terrible ways and I have stayed for my children, etc.

Also, though I am far far far from God's vision of how I should be, I am a church-going, practicing Christian. I have prayed to God to help my husband see Christ but my husband thinks religion is for girls and wimps. My boyfriend is a Christian and although he, of course, is also far from perfect, our faith is one of the important things we share.

That being said, I do appreciate your advice and I am really trying to work this out. I understand your opinion and appreciate your concern. God Bless.

[Genesis]

Well just leave him then and pay for the consequences later, it seems as if you want people to tell you to leave, so leave. Your kids will pay and so will you. If your husband is mentally sick and you are about to run off on him then your are not honoring your vows either. Do not think that you are better than him, what you are doing is still wrong and you should know that it still is not acceptable to leave your spouse to go marry someoneelse.

 

I say leave the guy, that is what you want. If your kids are emotionally damaged then, O well it is your choice. If your children grow up having a lack of trust in marriage and family and you, it is your problem.If your boyfriend leaves you three years from now I hope you will still be happy with your choice, b/c there is no guarantee that he will stay with you! Just like you are leaving your husband after 20 yrs. he may leave you too!That is why your boyfriend should not be a factor in your choice and if he is, so be it. But if everything blows up in your face do not say that people did not tell you so. I really hope that if you do leave you do not rush into marriage with anyone. I read many post of people who swear to God they are in love with someone and leave their family to later find out that the person they are with now is 10 times as worse as the spouse they left. Do what you want to do if you can not stay with this guy anymore than leave, but your kids may pay for it.

[jaclend001]

No one here needs to punish you...more than you are punishing yourself. I can relate to your pain in that I too am married, although I do not think my husband is bi polar, he does suffer from severe depression. It is hard because the depression causes him to be rather distant, cold, and unfeeling when things between us are not going his way. I love him... and feel I too have been holding back in this marriage of three years for fear it would all come crashing down and I would be so devastated over the loss. I do not have kids but I have a step son who worships the ground I walk on, two cats, a home, a nice car and a best-friend (my husband).

 

Although my situation is not quite as complicated, I too feel your frustration. I had a relationship six years ago with a man I thought was my soul-mate. He tore my heart up and spit it out when it was all said and done. Since that time, we have always kept in contact. I kept him at an arms length for many reasons.... some being I feared what I felt for him in the past, I did not want to make a mistake I would regret, and I did not trust him. I also felt anger towards him for hurting me so. He always apologized and regretted how he treated me when we were together. I guess that felt good and that the contact was a bit self serving.

 

Although I never acted on any emotions with him...about a month ago...when My husband I had a terrible fight...it was his house in which I sought refuge. He accepted me with open arms and sheltered me from that storm. It was wrong I know...and now my husband knows and I am devastated not by the potential end of my marriage but question how I could have done such things. How and why did I do what I did.

 

So, I felt I was not getting my needs met. So, my husband was a cold fish, but still how could I betray and hurt my best friend so deeply. These are the questions I ask and know he is asking himself everyday. We talk for hours and hours...and it feels good to get it all in the open, but not as good as it would have felt to have never cheated on him and his heart in the first place.