Less than Perfect

[Momene]

These days people are advised to get out of a bad relationship and I certainly would never advise anyone to stay in a relationship that is abusive and I would discourage anyone from staying in a relationship where they have to be a doormat in order to prevent their partner from leaving.

 

But what if it's not actually bad but somewhat "less than perfect"? Do you stay and hope things improve (which they can, as I can testify) or do some issues always hang like a cloud over your relationship and never go away (as I can also testify)?

 

Does or should the presense of children or other dependent relatives influence your decision in such borderline cases? I can say my daughter isn't the only reason we're together but it does play a very big part in both our attitudes to our marriage and life in general.

 

If you're in a less than perfect marriage, what coping strategies do you use to survive? In my case, I have hobbies/interests but don't have any friends I can go out with and can feel quite lonely. I'm very close to my daughter but don't want to become too dependent on her for company.

 

Any ideas/observations? More a general question.

[RayKay]

I think this is a situation which has many variables.

 

No relationship is always 'perfect'. I have had the occasion to know a few couples whom presented the perfect relationship/marriage, and it turned out they were falling apart on the inside, and behind closed doors...they looked perfect as they had more to hide from others.

 

I have never been married, but I have had a couple long term relationships which both have had been moving towards marriage - in one of them my partner passed away however, and in my current one, we are just taking our time I have also had the experiences of my parents to learn from.

 

When you get married, it's usually for better or for worse, in sickness and in health...not just for better and for even better...in health and in super health. I think that in itself shows that it is not expected it will always be perfect. And even if you never take those vows, you can still be "married" mentally and emotionally and believe in those.

 

I think it is important to do the best you can. I think when it IS too much, and it is time to consider leaving is when the cost of being "half a relationship" is the full cost of you as an individual, or when you are miserable more then happy/content. However I think if a couple is committed to one another, and to the relationship, it is very possible to work on improving the relationship and where it has gone wrong. It's something every couple needs to decide for themself...every person has different expectations of what a relationship is about and what they require.....for me I am very committed to my relationship, to my partner, and to us nourishing and building it - fortunately he feels the same. Undoubtedly there will be more stressful times ahead of us, but we definitely have a deep love for one another and a commitment to nourish that.

 

Of course having children can influence one's decision. There are MANY people whom do stay married for the kids. Is that the best decision? From my own experiences, and those of other friends I have, probably not. My parents divorced when I was 7, and I remember how hard it was when they were together, how much pain my mother was in (in my case my dad cheated)....kids aren't blind, they KNOW when their parents are not happy. I have friends whom expressed the same...some whose parents have been together whom have said sometimes they wish they hadn't. There parents were "fine" in front of them, but they always felt their parents were more like people "forced" to be together then genuinely choosing to be together. Children learn from their parents relationships...if they see a miserable marriage, they may expect the same. If they see cheating, they may see it as normal. Things like that.

 

How to deal with it? I guess that depends on the approach. If you want to improve things, I think you need to work on it together - counselling, investing time in one another, reconnecting. If you are just coasting, then I guess you will do what makes you happy.

 

I think hobbies/interests are important even in a great relationship...some independence and individuality is a great asset to the relationship as you can bring more of yourself to the relationship, be re-energized for it, and share new things with each other. Is it possible with these hobbies/interests YOU have, you can join some clubs or chapters for example that involve these interests? It can be a great way to meet new people whom share your hobbies.

[Momene]

I do go to astronomy viewing sessions and even organize a few myself. Unfortunately, neither the wife not daughter are interested.

 

In my case, my daughter is 15 and knows the score. She knows things aren't 100% but it's more a sense of it being lukewarm rather than blazing rows and door slamming. Because of details I prefer not to go into at the moment, if my wife and I split, one of us would become an estranged parent.

 

Also, in my case, things hit a low point about 2 years ago and we've come out the other side. I wonder what might happen when our daughter leaves home but I no longer fear it.

[marolua]

Yes, no relationship is perfect, not only with significant other's, but also with friends or siblings. But, is it really possible to make a cost benefit calculation? I have always hated to hear from my mom and dad that they had stayed together for us, that is, me and my younger brother. If you think you don't have anything common with your wife anymore, and you haven't been able to find a way to create common interests again-assuming that you were willing to communicate these problems with her- than why would you stay with her?

Your daughter will eventually leave home, and there is also the chance that you two might get closer or apart when this happens. But please don't give that message to her, the message that you two stay together just because of her, because that is too much for a kid to bear.

[Momene]

Yes, no relationship is perfect, not only with significant other's, but also with friends or siblings. But, is it really possible to make a cost benefit calculation? I have always hated to hear from my mom and dad that they had stayed together for us, that is, me and my younger brother. If you think you don't have anything common with your wife anymore, and you haven't been able to find a way to create common interests again-assuming that you were willing to communicate these problems with her- than why would you stay with her?

Your daughter will eventually leave home, and there is also the chance that you two might get closer or apart when this happens. But please don't give that message to her, the message that you two stay together just because of her, because that is too much for a kid to bear.

I'm sorry in that I may have painted a pessimistic picture of my own personal circumstances when the question was more of a general one, rather than just being specific to me.

 

Yes, it's true that our marriage lacks the fizz and sparkle it had but it's also true that it's much better than it was 2 years ago. We do have things in common (apart from our daughter) and we still love each other.

 

I don't regard it as inevitable that we'll go our own ways the minute our daughter packs her suitcase but I'm aware that it is one of many possible likely outcomes and have to be realistic.

 

I also have to admit that I'm considering an alternative path through life (again this isn't inevitable) and it's one that my wife may be unable or unwilling to either follow or accommodate. That may make me a "bad" person, her one or even both of us, I don't know.