Crazy family dynamics years in the making!

[yankeechick]

Hello. I'm new to this advice forum and from the messages I've read this looks like a helpful site. I apologize in advance for the length of my story...

 

Last summer my dad died from a long battle of colorectal cancer. I flew from out of state with my two young children to my parents' home to spend the last remaining weeks with him and the rest of my immediate family. My father and I have never been close due to him not really taking an interest in our family. While I was growing up he would frequently go off and do his own thing making up some excuse or another. When he was home he was often found in front of the TV and we weren't to bother him. My mom would often be hostile and flip out whenever my dad would take off, but from experience he knew all her screaming fits were empty threats. This is how their marriage existed and quite a bit of her hostility would carry over to how she treated me and my two siblings (we are all close in age). Of course, divorce was never an option because it wouldn't "look good" to the rest of the extended family. My mom's opposition to divorce was also influenced by the "cultish" church we kids grew up attending (as well as my mom from her birth). Men are held in very high regard as "leaders" of the church and family, while of course, women are raised to have lots of babies and run second to the head of the household. For whatever reason my mom chose to marry my dad who was not a member of this faith, and I suppose took it out on him throughout their years together. Her seething demeanor toward him was obvious almost every day that I can remember growing up in that house.

 

Anyway, the contempt my mom showed my dad was the opposite with my brother. She placed my brother (middle child - I'm the oldest and our sister is the youngest) high on a pedestal, and oftentimes deferred to him even as a child. He was given preferential treatment over my sister and I in many situations. He was the one with the college fund - not us - we two girls were told flat out it wasn't "necessary" for us to attend college. Growing up in a house where the dad has no backbone and the mom constantly puts you in your place in the name of her "religion" truly messes with you. It wasn't until my late teens (in the late 1980's) I realized my childhood was BS and I needed to find my own way. I paid my way through college, etc. I maintained a relationship with my parents, but tried to distance myself from them emotionally.

 

Fast forward twenty years later and my dad is living his last few weeks in a hospital bed in my parents' living room. I'm staying at the house and my sister lives down the road, but is there almost 18 hours a day helping out. My brother lives within driving distance, but visits 3 times for a couple days at a time between the six weeks our dad comes home from the hospital and later dies. He doesn't have a job and quit law school to find himself. When my brother is there he is more concerned about being the fix-it guy for overdue projects around the house, rather than spending time with our dad or relieving any of us women with some time out of the house. My dad needed constant care due to the nature of his cancer. A few arguments stirred up during these weeks because of my brother's behavior and after Dad's death I flew back home quite literally disowning him. My brother's attitude: Silly women! You think you can tell me what to do?! Yeah, I'll tell you how it is - and no, I'm not going to apologize for upsetting you when you are already under alot of stress with Dad dying and trying to make peace with him!!!

 

So, with all this background information (thank you so much for those reading even this far on my plea for advice!) and a few months since all this blew up, my mom is finding her way as a widow and standing by her son. My mom has commented several times that my sister and I are "missing out" by not "trying" to get along with my brother. She thinks we need to forget all that happened when my dad was dying and speak to our brother because "we were all stressed out then". I'm sick and disgusted with all of this. Over the years I would dismiss my mom and dad's crazy, bent behavior and look for whatever positive there might be about them - and my brother. I feel like now I just want to focus on my relationship with my sister and forget about my mom and brother. The crap that happened last summer was the last straw. I have told my mom I am not interested in having a relationship with my brother until he apologizes to me - and that will never happen. I no longer justify my decision with her anymore, but she won't shut up about it. My sister and I are the bad guys and from what I've heard she doesn't hesitate to tell other family members how "unforgiving" we are, and no telling what else. At 38 years of age you would think I could make a decision of what is best for myself, but with what I had drilled in my head growing up, I'm at a loss And no, I do not blame all this stuff on the influence of a religious group, but think it does play a part.

 

I'm looking forward to some pointed, thoughtful advice. Thank you so much for considering my situation.

[shavski]

hey! thats a really unfortunate story. I think you are doing the right thing trying to distance yourself from your brother. There are so many women in similar situations, with men being placed in a 'higher rank' over them, but think of the reality of your brother's 'importance' that it is BS and that its only doing damage to him in the long run. I know if guys around here acted superior people would just think theyre weird and not associate with them. I guess u more than know this, but i dont think you deserve to be still worrying and feeling down on such an issue. You are your own person and just know that half the world wud agree with your annoyance, and think hes a big weirdo. u are stronger!

sorry i just felt obliged to read it when you had made such an effort to write it, sorry if my comments are going off track at all!

[Tigris]

I think you have solved this problem yourself but just need reassurance off us that you are doing the right thing!

 

It sounds like your life if very peaceful until your Mother and Brother get involved. My advice to you is keep your children away from this sort of hassle. You know what it was like growing up among it so save them the same problems!

 

It sounds like the relationship with your sister if good so I think your children will benefit from keeping in touch with her. Where your Mother is concerned.. well she made her decisions years ago that your brother was more important than you two!

 

Has it ever occurred to you that your Mother wants you to stay in touch because at some point in time she'll need you or your sister to look after her when she's ill? And yes, it will be expected of you being women!

 

Since your brother is the favourite I would make sure it was his wife that got this job to do! (I know he may not be married yet.)

 

Think of the pros and cons of your relationships and then make your decisions.

 

Good luck and take care.