break=breaking up aka it's over

[miticalzz]

hi people. A year ago today my ex bf asked me for a break from our relationship. We both had alot going on in our lives and we felt that we need some space. We continued to see each other, never did NC it was kinda like we never even broke up. Just are not living together anymore. Well I told myself this is only a break, but the break lasted and lasted and now it has been one years. So I'm sitting here asking myself "What the hell am I doing" we are really separated it's been a whole year were not getting back together. When we took the break I told myself I would give it a few months to get our relationship back on track. It isn't going anywhere break=breakup! And yes, I settled because I thought seeing him on his terms was better than not seeing him at all. Another thing I have realized there is NO such thing as a mutual breakup! One person is always more hurt than the other.

[darkblue]

Anyone in the situation where a partner suggests a 'break' would benefit from clarifying what is defined as a 'break'.

 

It is either a period of time apart to think and breathe; or ending the relationship.

Clarify.

[Mrocza]

Did you keep up certain aspects of the relationship during this break? Sex or intimacy?

 

A break is usually a nice way of saying F-off. I'm sorry you had to wait a whole year to be jilted back into reality. I would consider NC if you plan on seriously moving on with your life and getting over him if you still have feelings for him...otherwise, any sort of relationship will just hold you back now.

[miticalzz]

hello darkblue,

 

In my situation the break has lasted one year. To me that is a long time to take a break. What I'm understanding now is that I don't think my ex has any intentions on getting back together. He has adapted to us living separate. I don't think my relationship will ever be back to what it was. I have put alot of effort into it, and when it's only one person working on getting things back to a healthy relationship it doesn't work.

 

I honestly feel, and this is just my opinion. That when one person ask for a break, that the other person is left feeling quite hurt. The other person may agree thereforeeee they think it is a "mutual break" but really it isn't because one person is left feeling alot more hurt than the other.

[miticalzz]

hello fairie

after the break there was alot of crying, alot of sex, alot of intimacy. the relationship basically stayed the same. just without any commitment or any future whatso ever.

[darkblue]

Somtimes the other person is equally unhappy with the relationship, and felt too secure to end it!

I don't think it can be said that all relationships end with one person more hurt than the other. Not always.

 

It's time you move on with your own life, and remember that you are capable of handling a normal relationship - whereby both parties work on the relationship, and not just one person keeping the other there.

It's about compromise and equality.

 

You can do it.

Just allow yourself some time to think through your past experience, and let yourself know that it was not your fault that he did not feel the same way.

Then you can move on. Date - have fun.

 

Best of luck.

[darkblue]

hello fairie

after the break there was alot of crying, alot of sex, alot of intimacy. the relationship basically stayed the same. just without any commitment or any future whatso ever.

 

Do you realise now that that was not best?

 

It is basically telling him that he can do what he wants - but you are always there for sex...

[miticalzz]

I understand that darkblue. but the feelings I have for this guy are pretty deep.

[Mrocza]

hello fairie

after the break there was alot of crying, alot of sex, alot of intimacy. the relationship basically stayed the same. just without any commitment or any future whatso ever.

 

I think it's difficult to go on a break of any sort if you remain in contact. Continuing the intimacy afterwards was wrong, but often happens in these circumstances.

 

You need to realize however, that this was a break...up. You lost the commitment, the promise of future and the responsibility to each other in a relationship with this break. Basically, as darkblue said, you let yourself be available to him, not only in sex, but emotionally and physically.

 

He basically got to have his cake and eat it too.

 

Now that you realize you made a wrong, you need to seriously do NC and get on with your life. You may not want to date or may not want to avoid him because you've gained a twisted sense of security in having him around without a relationship, but you must realize that your heart was tangled up in all of this. It wasn't just sex. It wasn't just intimacy.

 

He did not treat you with the respect you deserve in any relationship, especially a friendship. True, you let him walk all over you and use you for her purposes but he initiated it. There is no such thing as friends after breakup unless both parties are unaffected and unattached. (Which doesn;t happen)

 

Think about what you deserve. Think about how he treated you and how it made you feel. Think about what YOU want. I think you should just focus on yourself for a while...you need to get over him and get back to a normal, healthy version of independance.

[miticalzz]

Darkblue.

No No NO did I not know that was wrong! Girls think alot different than guys. I felt at that time that he still loved me. That he was as sorry for the break as I was. I was trying to get back what was lost. Intimacy to me is a big part of a relationship. It shows him how much I love and care for him.

[darkblue]

It only showed that he could have sex with you without the strings.

[Mrocza]

I have to agree with DarkBlue.

 

You may have thought you were salvaging the relationship but in reality you were letting him get all the goods without paying, so to speak.

[miticalzz]

Do all guys think this way? Because we are older, I thought guys would be more mature at my age. I must be very naive.

[darkblue]

Let's not stereotype all guys - they are not all like that.

However, it seemst that this particular male was not interested in a relationship - but didn't mind the sex...

[Mrocza]

Just because he's older doesn't mean anything.

 

And no, not all guys matture at the same rate. Either way, this isn't about matturity. It is about being a little naive...or blind (Ah, isn't love)

 

You should have known better but like you said, you consider sex to be something like expressing your love. You should have realized after the first time your love was not being reciprocated.

[red10]

Miti, I know how you feel...went thru the same thing, I wish I had done NC right when we first broke up, it would have saved me going through so much more pain...a month ago he told me there was someone else....and all this time, I thought we were going to make it through this....It really hurts, but you have a chance now to stop this and do NC. You derserve better.

 

This is not something that guys just do either, I think everyone is different, so sure there are probably guys out there that don't give a damn, but there are also guys out there that are genuine. Same goes for the ladies. Please don't judge men based on this experience. Take each person for who they are indivudually.

[miticalzz]

well i'm seeing now it is a big way to screw with my head. When he said "break" I initially thought ok we got alot going on. Don't want to end up hating each other. Things are basically the same we just don't share a apartment anymore. Truth is it means he no longer obligated to me. He gets what he wants and I get nothing in return.