terrrible feelings about pornography

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Im 17, female, and overall Id say I have a fairly liberal outlook.

From about the age of 13/14 Ive used pornography/erotica to use as part of masturbation, and never really thought much of it.

 

I always used it pretty much only when I was single though.

 

However...when i went through a manic phase (im manic depressive) last year, I had many a relationship, and when I came out of that phase, I started to question a lot of my life, my beliefs..a miniature, very early midlife/teenage crisis, I guess.

 

I did watch some more hardcore porn, and I also researched a bit about it. And thought about it. And its the following that disturbs me:

 

-over 60% of women in the sex industry are victims of childhood abuse

 

-isn't pornography visual infidelity?

 

-if you are in a relationship, shouldnt you focus your sexual desires/the side of you onto your boy/girlfriend?

 

-isnt it somewhat insulting to your significant other...I thought, maybe Im old fashioned, that sexuality was something kept between two people as something semi-sacred? I mean this in a committed relationship context. Fair enough if youre single; but if you are in a serious partnership, isnt it saying *you arnt enough to fulfil the sexual side of me?*

 

-isnt it somewhat hypocritical of people to say to their boy/girlfriend *no dont worry about your stomach/breasts or whatever, I find you PERSONALITY hot*..and then get off over images featuring people with massive breasts and tiny waists? (I know thats a generalisation, of course there's variation, etc)

 

-I feel bad for being, these days at least, anti-pornography..like I should just be a more liberal woman or whatever and get over it, blah blah. But it sickens me and I cry when I read about some workers in the sex industry; its so sad that sexuality can now be packaged up like that.

 

And the final bit is that my boyfriend watches it occasionally. I almost feel..well, you can have that, whats the point of me? I dont know. If people see orgasming etc as something you can reach just by looking at strangers, then I guess that devalues what we have.

 

Im not about to dump him over it or suchlike because he is a great boyfriend, and lets face it, most guys use it anyway.

 

I did use to go with the argument that *its just catering to sex drive, and is an outlet for young guys*..well, fine. So what did we do before the internet/magazines? Yee-eesss....

 

My usual tactic when faced with such an issue is to have an affair and thereforeeee hurt him more than he could ever hurt me, but Ive grown up a bit since then and now I just want to work through feeligns properly.

 

I dont want to talk to him about it; he thinks Im fine with it, and I dont want to be a dumb nagging little .. yeah.

 

Just venting.

[Orlander]

Just because some or most guys use pornography does not make it right. I have seen pornography destroy relationships. It is a known fact that it has a "numbing" effect to the sexual psyche. One of my more advanced pyschology classes in college was devoted to sexual addiction.

 

Many years ago, I had a pornographic tape I used to watch and I left it in the VCR. My then girlfriend came over with her daughter and while my ex and I were talking, her little girl turned on the TV and hit play (she was only 5 at the time). We both ran into the room when we heard the screams and crying. It had upset her so much that she cried for hours. How can anything be good if it makes a little girl cry like that?

 

Pornography has personally assisted in destroying two very meaningful relationships in my life. I would advice anyone using it to stop unless two people are using it very occasionally to spice up the love life.

 

 

Orlander

[OceanEyes]

Wow. You've obviously thought a lot about this, and have some inner conflict surrounding pornography.

 

You're definitely not alone in saying that watching porn takes away from the sexual part of a relationship. For every 5 people who are okay with it or enjoy it, there is usually one person who doesn't like it. And, let's face it, the individuals who view it with distaste or opposition are in most cases, women.

 

I feel that you've opened up a fairly lengthy discussion here -- there are going to be most people telling you that they "don't mind it" or "enjoy it", and then there will be the people who dislike it for whatever reason. While I feel that every possibly viewpoint is valid, I also feel that the only person's opinion that really matters is your own. You can have 1 million people tell you that porn is "no big deal", but is it really going to change the feeling you get inside when you think about it? Is it going to magically change things for you and your viewpoint altogether? Doubtful.

 

In cases like this, we are all very unique, like a puzzle with different pieces. I can't try to give you one of MY pieces, because it simply won't fit. If you try to force the piece, it's going to result in a poor fit and a flawed puzzle. Make sense? The only way to achieve peace of mind is through your own searching and contemplating. Only YOU really know why you feel a certain way, so having other people TELL YOU what to think, how to feel, or what you should believe just doesn't work.

 

Trying to adjust your values and beliefs based on what other people tell you to believe is going to leave you emptier than before.

[hazlcha]

sexuality was something kept between two people as something semi-sacred

Here here!

 

You say a lot of very strong and valuable things about porn in your post. I say that it's not pleasure, it's not so innocent. It's someone else's pain. The statistic you quoted was not familiar to me, but it is no surprise.

 

isn't pornography visual infidelity?

Since you are asking, you must at least feel a little bit that the answer is yes. Which is why you're not happy with your boyfriend's use of it. Which leads you to say this:

and I dont want to be a dumb nagging little...

 

If it bothers you (as I, for one, think you have every right to feel bothered by it), then it's important to you that he stop. If he's developed an addiction to it (not uncommon) he should recognize that and start to get over it. If he's just using it for "entertainment", since it's affecting your relationship, he should be open to hearing your objections.

 

And I don't think it's particularly "liberal" to support porn. Liberal to me means respecting all different people, and porn objectifies and humiliates people.

[Derek]

I think the original poster (a-luv-supastar) has alot of valid points and it's a sad observation on our culture and society that she feels "dumb and nagging" and not a "liberated woman" when standing up for what she thinks is right.

 

I don't think anyone has cornered the market on what's right or what's best, not even "liberated women" or our movies and culture either. So why can't your beliefs be just as valid or even more so, since you've thought them through and you don't have money or power or subversive cultural changes as an alterior motive either. (like the "liberal" media). =)

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Thank you for all replies.

 

Well yes..Id be entitled to civilly bring it up in a discussion with my boyfriend and explain how it makes me feel. I really dont think hes addicted, just a casual user.

HOWEVER

 

Isnt it his right as an adult to do as he pleases? If I were him, Id feel quite hacked off that someone was telling me what I could and couldnt watch, or was trying to tell me, etc.

 

I just feel very sad, really. Sad that I care so much!

 

Iin an ideal world I wouldnt mind it, thatd be easier, but as I do Ill just have to get the heck over it..heh.

[hazlcha]

Sorry for the delayed reply.

 

This bothers you. Yes, he's an adult and it's his right to do things that bother you. And it's your right to express how you feel. It's your right not to accept that.

 

But instead of focusing on "rights," maybe focus on "right," meaning fair. It's not like you're telling him that it bothers you when he eats chocolate bars. It bothers you that he's looking at erotic pictures of other women. Heck, if I was a girl that would bother me!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Hmmm...I looked at some myself yesterday, adding more confusion!

 

I think Ill get my sense of selfworth from other areas rather than relationships, so I wont mind so much. Or, Ill try to.