Not sure what I am looking for ... advice, comfort??

[AngelBaby34]

Here is my story:

 

I was with a man for over 7 years (long distance relationship for 1 and for the last 6 we have lived together). About 5 weeks ago he said that he in the whole 6 years he never went out with friends or anything like that and now feels like he needs that in his life. I was ok with that. From that moment on it has turned into an every weekend thing. Was I happy about it? No. But I dealt with it because he was right in that he hadnt been out with friends in all the years we lived together. But then a couple weeks ago I started catching him in lies.

 

A friend of his called and he was in our garage talking to him on the cell phone, when I went out there to ask him a question he was no longer talking to that friend but I heard a female voice on the phone instead. When I asked him if that was a female he lied about it, and I insisted that he was lying so he decided to tell the truth that it was a girl from work, however he insisted that they were just friends. I started asking questions about how if they were just friends why would he lie about who he was talking to, and why wouldnt she call the home phone like other friends. He said that she didnt feel comfortable doing that. Well we ended up fighting mostly all day and as the day progressed I found out that he had been talking her to way more then I realized and for way longer then I realized, particularly if I was out of town. He still insists nothing is or was going on there but I am not sure. During our heated day of battle he ended up telling me that he wanted to break up with me and that he had wanted to for a long time now but felt bad about it and so he never did. He said his reason is because he has never had the experience of living on his own. This is true, he went from living at home to us moving in together and now after 6 years of living together he decides he needs to try it on his own. Now he says it has nothing to do with me, but right now he just needs to do him. Im not sure why it took 6 years for this revelation, but its been extremely difficult.

 

To make matters worse we are still living together. Financially it is going to be very difficult for him to live on his own. He still has to pay his half of the bills while living here, but at the same time needs to save his money for moving as well. In all honesty I really dont see anytime soon when he will actually be able to make that move. For me this is making it difficult to move on while he is still here. Not only has he not moved out, but he still sleeps in my bed with me, and recently he has decided to start being very sweet again to me (I think because that is easier then fighting). Sometimes with all that I feel false sense of hope that he will change his mind and stay, and then about once everyother day he will say one hurtful thing or just remind me that we are broken up, I end up crying, he appologizes and says he doesnt mean it and then we act happy (or at least we are faking it) again for a day or two. He hasnt really saved up any money yet, he hasnt looked for a new place to live yet but still insists that he wants to move out. I just dont know what to think or feel at this point. I deeply love this man after all this time and really cant bare being apart so part of me hopes he nevers gets the money to leave, then another part of me wants him gone yesterday so I can try to heal, as I know I will never be able to heal while he is still here. We have even resorted at times to that whole "friends w/ benefits" thing. Not because I really want sex all that much, I think on my end its more of that giving myself false hope. I have been making sure to go that extra mile doing nice things for him like making favorite meals etc. I know I need to stop this but its terribly hard while he is still here. Sorry this has gotten uncontrollably long, but I just wanted to see if anyone else has had this experience before and what they did about it??? Thanks!

[Echo]

Angel..you are committing slow emotional suicide by remaining in the same house with this guy who reminds you everyday that he no longer wants to be with you.

Is it possible for you to stay with a friend or relative till he finds another place? Can you give him a time limit? A month? Or two maybe? This is HIS decision to leave..and he should have to live with the consequences of that decision...NOT the benefits of having his and eating it too. The sooner this guy is out of the house ...the faster you can get your life back together. Six years is a VERY long time to be with someone. It will be very very hard....but much harder if he is still there.

 

I wish you all the best. Keep posting here..it is a great help.

[AngelBaby34]

Echo,

 

Thanks for the reply. Slow emotional suicide are exactly the right words to describe how I feel inside. Unfortunately neither of us has family around here to stay with. Both our families are on the west coast. The other problem for me is that I know he cant afford this place so I feel like I need to be the one that stays and he must go. I did mention to him earlier this week that I would like him to go ASAP. And he said he would go in a week or two. But when I mentioned it the other day he said he wont have the means to leave for maybe up to a month. I wish I could be harder and say then fine live on the streets but I just havent been able to do that. Its been tough for sure and I think the only way Ive been able to have those days of not crying are because I make myself think that he will change his mind. Stupid and self destructive I know, but I just havent found it in me yet to get tough either with him or myself.

[Diggitydave]

I would recommend one more sit down talk. Be blunt, ask blunt questions, ask for blunt answers. Don't beat around the bush, state your needs, ask for his, come to a conclusion and move with it. Don't over analyze it, make a decision, be strong with it, and stick to it. The pain now will be worth trying to avoid it for prolonged periods of time, TRUST ME

[AngelBaby34]

Thank you for that advice, I might see if I can get him to have a real talk with me tomorrow. You know last week I sat down with him, gave him the impression that I was now all of the sudden ok with him leaving, and even helped him figure out exactly what he needs (financially) to make it out there on his own. I thought I was being helpful but now I wonder if I scared him into realizing just how hard its going to be for him. I am no question the money maker in this household and I think when I laid it out there for him he realized that his comfortabl, relatively carefree lifestle is going to dramatically change once he walks out that door. So now I wonder to myself, if he does stay is money the reason? Maybe its just late and I am trying to read too much into everything. But I do appreciate your help and I do understand that this is just prolonging the pain ... wish my heart was as smart as my brain.

[Echo]

I know it's tough. Hearing someone you love so much say they want to leave you...is devastating. ..but hearing them say it everyday....knowing they would be gone in a minute if they could...is worse. What if he could leave tomorrow and decided he would rather stay. Wouldn;'t that be much more gratifying?? If he is simply being nice to you because he has no other options right now....well that is just wrong. Why do you want him to stay?? REALLY think about it. Wnating to hold someone who no longer wants to be with you is like trying to hold onto a slippery bar of soap. It's slipping through your hands.....and all you can do is let it go. If he is SO sure he is willing to give up SIX years with someone..then give him a box of matches and tell him to go set the world on fire. Then Go No Contact.

[AngelBaby34]

You are so right on this, I know you are. What do you think about the idea of lending him the money to move? Is that a good idea? In that respect I believe he is good for paying it back whenever he can (a little here and a little there, he isnt an all bad person). And in all honesty Im not sure if I would even care if I never got the money back. But giving him that money would grant him the chance to leave, kind of a put up or shut up. And if he takes it and leaves then I can try this whole no contact thing. Ive read on many posts that it is helping people. My thought is that without me lending him money this could drag on with him in the house for goodness knows how long. Again I really appreciate your words of advice. I was up alone crying just wishing I had someione I felt comfortable talking about this to. What a blessing I found this forum.

[Echo]

For YOUR peace of mind and healing,,,,,and if you feel he is good for paying you back, yes I would offer to do it. YOU are the important one right now...HE is the one who wants to end things. So he is no longer your priority. Unless he says he wants to work things out with you..or try again...then you need to do whatever is necessary to heal properly. Him being in your face all the time, giving you false hope is NOT conducive to healing. Doing No Contact means cutting off ALL contact...phone calls, emails, texts....ANYTHING. Do you think this is a step you're willing to take?

[AngelBaby34]

I feel like it's a step that is necessary, I hope and pray that I am emotionally ready to take it. I think in the long run it can only help me. The money isnt that important to me, I am certain he is good for it but as I said could really care less if I ever see it again anyway. The healing will be worth far more then any dollar amount I give him. Or course tonight I am feeling a little more comforted now that I have seen that I am not alone and I feel strong at the moment. I think I need to sleep on this and just really set my mind to making sure I am ok with this and then just doing it. The no contact will be hard for me but not impossible. And I really think that if I asked him not to contact me that he would honor that. Am I setting myself up for failure if I allow myself to think that he will be back after he has had time to "just do him?" I guess I know the answer to that but how do I get those thoughts out of my head?

[Echo]

Angel these are ALL important questions..and many that people ask when they come to this site. Let me assure you that this board is full of AWESOME people, who have been exactly where you are right now..and keep coming back long AFTER they have healed, simply because this site IS awesome...and the posters offer an endless supply of compassion and insightful advice.

 

That said....I think you're making the right decision. You seem strong right

now...and not overly emotional. I am sure he will notice this..especially if you offer him the money to leave sooner. This might even surprise him...but I bet if YOU are the one asking him to leave, you feel MUCH more in control of the situation. The key is to not "kick him out"..but rather you are "letting him go". there is a BIG difference in how you approach the situation. You want him to leave scraching his head and wondering "what the hell am I doing"? NOT "tHANK god I am gone".

 

When you decide to do this....you may need to post here a LOT in your healing. Please do so. It's what we are here for. To offer you support.

So vent when you need to..and ask as many questions as you need to.

[AngelBaby34]

Thank so much! You have been so wonderful. I hope that I am still this strong tomorrow. I promise that either way I will be back, it is so helpful to talk this through rationally with someone instead of strictly relying on my at times irrational logic. I will continue to post here as a source of strength and encouragement both for myself and other. Thanks again and good might.

[Echo]

Be strong ANgel...please keep coming back....

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi AngelBaby34,

 

Hope the talk turns out the way you wanted.

 

I was in a simular situation. We lived together for about 18 months. She started making statements like "I want my friends and do what I want". Then she started hanging out after work and I would go home and take care of the kids. I was fine with this until she started coming home later and later. So I questioned her about the situation and needless to say it got ugly. I had my suspicions something other than hanging out was going on.

 

Tensions were high as this continued for about a month. I was tired of having to answer questions from her kids like "where's mom" and "when is she coming home". I was becoming emotionally drained and detached, and so was she.

 

So I told her my daughter and I were moving, and we did two weeks later. It has been the best thing I've done. It's been hard, financially, and emotionally but I feel so much better now. I'm sure my ex does too because she was able to have her new boy friend spend the night two days after we left.

 

Seems like this guy should be a man and do what he says for your sake and his. It is too hard for me to live with and love somebody while they have their cake and eat it too. I think that if he moves you will find relief and freedom once he is gone. It will take some time though. It seems as if he is taking you and the relationship for granted. He feels safe at home with you, yet he wants to go out, have a good time, do what ever he wants and live like he is a single man, then be able to come to the safety and comfort he has with you. I have a problem with that.

 

Again, this was my situation. Kind of oppisite of yours, but simular. I hope by telling you my experience it has helped some.

 

Good Luck!

bcuzitwasfun

[AngelBaby34]

bcuzitwasfun,

 

Thank you so much for your story. I am glad that there are people out here who understand and can offer good advice if not just words of encouragement. As I write here I am waiting for him to come home from work, at which time I think I will be having a real heart - heart and letting him know that if he truly wants to leave then the sooner the better as far as me being able to heal goes. I think at this point I am willing to give him money and do whatever it takes to begin the healing process. Already in the last couple days I have cut off nine inches of hair, bought new clothes (styles that I may not have worn in the past), and am planning to get a body piercing later today. I think these are just ways that I am trying to mke a new me, a me that doesnt involve him. It's not as easy as I may be making it sound, oh there are plenty of tears and pain, but doing these new things makes me feel less dependant on him for attention or love (at least for the moment, who knows what later brings). Thanks for your insite and I am so glad things are better for you now. I cant wait to get to that place where you are. Best wishes.

[gratefulpain]

This is a tough one....To keep your wits you will have to exhibit extreme maturity and strength. Part of what I'm reading is it may not have fully sunk in that he wants out. The fact that he cant leave at the drop of a hat makes it worse because although you know its over it dosent seem over because youre still together all the time. The sad part is once his final belongings are gone you may experience a severe reaction because its more final..Thats normal.

 

My ex got the rest of her things last week.. and it symbolized she wont be coming back.. but I had been doing NC like everyone suggested and it allowed me some dignity and I wasnt effected by it...

 

You have cancer (figuratively) and hes in your house.. the sooner it can be removed the sooner you can start treatment.... till then it will seem like a nightmare in slow motion... Help him if you can financially to get out... not so much for him but for you..... plus it will allow your healing to begin....

 

I am so sorry to hear that he thinks the grass is greener and needs to sneak around and disguise his games as a need experience life on his own bla bla....

 

take comfort in knowing somewhere down the road he'll look back with regret..... but the funny part is you wont.... you will be healed and on with your life....

 

Keep head up.... we all been there....

[Shadows Light]

Angel.. You are commiting emotional suicide by staying in this cyclical no where relationship. You are "No Where". You keep making his favorite meals and going out of your way to do for him?? why???

 

I don't think its an option for you to go stay at a relatives or a friends house until he gets out. Why would you pay mortgage/rent on something you are not utilizing???

 

First of all you need to get some backbone and control over the situation.

 

You give him a timeframe and date to get out. 30 days. Give him 30 days to figure it out.

 

Then.... you stop doing for him. Cooking for him. Cleaning for him. And washing his dirty underwear. You get him out of your bed. Make him sleep on the couch... make him a pallet on the floor in the basement.. anywhere but your room. If you want to do something for him.... bring home some moving boxes and BOX his clothes up and get all of his stuff out of "YOUR" bed room. This is your SANCTUARY.

 

At the end of 30 days if he's not out... you put his stuff out on the front lawn.... or out of the house. Change the locks. DONE.

 

YES... its painful. Yes its harsh...but no more painful or harsh than what is being done to you. Expecting you to live as if... NOTHING is happening. AS if you are still and item. Thats a bit much for anyone to expect. You need to begin to process this and heal. You are NOT going to heal properly as long as the wound festers. So you need to cauterize it and do something pro-active about it.

[AngelBaby34]

Grateful,

Thanks for your thoughtful response to my situation. It's been a great comfort these last two days receiving such encouraging words from so many wonderful people. I feel somewhat stronger already just knowing that people really can and do go on after something like this. I just called his cell phone and advised him that when he returns to the house that we are going to be having a conversation about his living arrangements. Wish me luck on this one. I am also going to offer the financial help, for two reasons, number 1 and most importantly so that my healing process can begin, and #2 because he hasnt always been a total jerk and he once helped me out financially when I went through a brief rough time. Right now I am feeling bold and strong, I think the finality of it will hit me once he hands over the keys and shuts the door for the last time. I believe at that time I may feel more pain then I even do today. But seeing everyone's stories helps me know that I am not alone and that I will get through this will some time.

[AngelBaby34]

You are right on so many counts, I know that doing all these things is just a sign of weakness on my part. Even though I realize it's over my heart wont accept it while he is living here and thats when I do the weak things. I can tell you that there will be no dinner waiting for him tonight. The fantastic people on this forum have made me feel stronger and more empowered. Also I will be talking to him tonight about what the living arangements will be both for while he is still here and going forward. I am offering him financial help so I am going to ask that he be gone even sooner then 30 days (realizing that he has to find an apartment or something) but since money wont be an issue if I give it to him then I think 30 days is way to long. I am ready to start healing yesterday! I hope one day I will be as strong as everyone else on here and then maybe I can share my hope with someone else in this situation. Thanks for everything.

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi AngelBaby34,

 

I agree, he doesn't need 30 days to move. He needs tomorrow. Not to be harsh, but the sooner the better. It seems that you are starting the healing process already and I commend you on that! Cutting your hair, buying new clothes, doing things on your own to help yourself is a big giant first step!! Congratulations!

 

This guy to me seems as if he seriously needs to grow up. Again, I'm not cutting him down, but he needs to realize that he can't live forever off of others. I'm not saying he is a bum, but it seems as if he is taking you for granted and doesn't care for your needs and wants. Others won't always be there and when they aren't he will be lost. That is not your concern.

 

He has proven from your posts what he wants in life. He wants the security of coming home to somebody and something he knows is going to be there. He realizes this and can't help himself for feeling like that. He will not realize this UNLESS YOU HELP HIM! You can help him by letting him know that you won't stand for this any longer. Sometimes love is tough. Tough on us all, no matter what the situation may be. Tough love is the best love in most cases.

 

Again, I hope the heart to heart proved to be a positive conversation. I hope most of all that you are OK with the decisions you guys make.

 

Best of luck and let us know how it goes

bcuzitwasfun

[AngelBaby34]

Unfortunately we didnt have the conversation I was hoping for. He came home later then I was expecting him (not late but just laterthen I thought) and then I had to be somewhere by the time he got home. By the time I returned home I found out that his mother had called from Los Angeles to inform us that his aunt is on her death bed. I just figured that wasnt a good time to be having the conversation I wanted to have. I suspect that it might be insensitive of me to bring it up today huh? I am not sure I will kind of play it by ear and gauge his emotions to see if he could even have this talk today. Oddly last night he decided that I was beautiful in his eyes again, I thought it was weird and I am not sure if there is an angle there or if I just looked nice yesterday in my "new look" and he was innocently complimenting me. I think I am starting to read something into everything. Hopefully the talk will come soon. I will keep you posted. Thanks for being a great listener.

[Shadows Light]

ppppssssfffftttttt...... Nope.. he's HOOVERING. (sucking up). Don't fall for the compliments and the luvy dovey's. It doesn't even out the scales.

 

He knows and senses you are less then happy with the situation and are edgy. So he's hoovering and buying time.

[AngelBaby34]

Well just had the conversation weather it was good timing or not. I offered the money to him so that he could get out soon but he refuses the money. Not sure what to do at this point, I told him I really would like to have him take the money because it would be better for me if he could leave sooner rather then later. Im not sure what's going to happen next, I just know it hurts more today after our conversation then it did yesterday. I pray that I get stronger instead of weaker.

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi AngelBaby34,

 

When I told her I was moving, I don't think she believed it. When she saw the lease and that I had the keys to my new place, that's when I heard "Please stay at least through Christmas", and "I didn't think that you'd be moving this fast".

 

Even though my situation is kind of opposite of yours, my point is to stick by your talk today. It is going to be hard. I don't know this fellow, I just know him from your posts. PLEASE don't let anything get violent! Things now are going to be very touchy and it may seem that the floors are made of eggshells. I hope that it doesn't go this way. I wouldn't let it in my situation. I had become detached and didn't want to live like I was living anymore. However, frustration levels (especially from her) where very high and I kept my head and didn't let it get to me.

 

If you stick to your plans, and don't sway, you will get stronger and the hurt will fade. Now, I hope that this guy doesn't think that you are bluffing. I'm not really sure if there is a legal way to make him get out. There probably is and you could find out by talking to an attorney, support groups, or the internet. This might be the best option if he thinks he can stay.

 

Hang in there Angel, let us know what happens.

Best wishes to ya!

bcuzitwasfun