Danny H Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 hi this is my story here: I have just got back from 6 weeks in India and it seems my wife is totally besotted with this guy now. But they only speak on the phone, or msn, they have never looked into eachothers eyes, read eachothers body language etc I want my wife and I to try and at least have a go at repairing us, but with this mytical figure in the background I have no chance. Working on the theory that fantasy is more powerful than reality, should I encourage her to travel from uk to Florida? It would take great strength but at least afterwards I would know more, oneway or the other. they would click, or it would die. Should I gamble? Or should I walk away and cry more-aggh Thanks Dan Link to comment
NJRon Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 I don't think that's a good gamble. In the end, you can't exactly stop anything if she decides she wants to go. I would think they would have at least exchanged pictures. Regardless, after developing things this way on the phone and internet, they are going to click when they meet. I have never not clicked in person with someone I clicked with from afar. It may die, indeed. Often these things don't work in the long haul. But, I don't think it's feasible to expect it to die in the short time that she were to fly out to meet him. If she's dead-set... then I would walk away. She may come crawling back. But I wouldn't sit there and be her security blanket. Link to comment
Danny H Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 well they have exchanged pictures, but let us say pictures ( once whittled down from hundreds) are not the best representation of hight posture whatever surely. , also I have to watch the kids in order for her to go, so in that respect she does need me on board. But I do note your point about clicking from afar means you should click up close. But you might not physically ring eachothers bells if you know what I mean. well at least I would think. Dan Link to comment
Hope75 Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Is that really your decision to make? Are you asking if you should encourage them to meet? Link to comment
NJRon Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 You're working awful hard at justifying. The simple fact is, whether they "click" or not, they will more than likely "click enough". I mean, let her go... but don't let her come back so easily then. I can't imagine how my spouse would react if I said I wanted to check out this chick that I met in the Internet... hey, would you watch the kids while I jet away? While she's away, go visit the lawyer and don't let her kick you out of the house. That is the number one mistake that husbands make. Link to comment
Danny H Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 Is that really your decision to make? Are you asking if you should encourage them to meet? No it is not my decision, but I could encourage, because I am moving out, I have to come back to watch our kids and that takes my co-operation, so I could make it easy for her to go if you see what I mean. also as she doesn't work I have to pay, so you see unless he pays and organises perminant baby sitter for 4 kids, I need to be involved in helping it happen Dan Link to comment
Danny H Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 You're working awful hard at justifying. . Yes I guess I am but my options are very limited, you can't tell a person what to think, but in life you can often point them in a direction that might allow them to see with more clarity. After all we we together nearly 18 years, and 5 of us want this resolved. she says to me " you were the love of my life, and you hurt me and when i got back from India she said there were times when I thought " I really miss him, what have I done" and there were times when I thought, no this is for the best". She admits she is confused and well she might be, this is all so new. Dan Link to comment
bcuzitwasfun Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Hi Danny H, Hate to say it, but it sounds like she has made up her mind. From my past experience with my separation and divorce, nothing good is going to come of this until you decide to put your foot down and stop it. During my separation I heard familiar comments: "It's not fair that you won't leave me alone so I can make up my mind...." "I want to see if I love him as much as I did you...." "I need at least two weeks to decide..." This was awful to live through, but I was heck bent on saving my family. I did after all love this woman till death did me part, however I realized that if I kept it up death would win the race. I admire you for your love for her. It seems you are willing to do what ever it takes to make it work. Sometimes things like this don't work the way you want and you have to make the turn and do what's best for you; which is not waiting for her to make a decision. She already has, it seems. NJRon is right, visit your attorney. I should have done that instead of clinging on to hope. The pain wouldn't have lasted as long. Best of luck bcuzitwasfun Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Danny.... Are you willing to wait for this woman to go have sex with this guy while you wait in the wings? Is that what this has come down to? I am certainly NOT a psychic..but if s woman is willing to travel to meet a guy I am assuming more than dinner is involved. Second....WHY isn't this guy willing to fly to meet HER? What's the deal there? SHE has four children to consider,...and a husband ..(you). Are you guys even divorced ? Or is that pending? Does this guy know all the "facts"? I don't know...this just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Get your ducks in a row..... Link to comment
Danny H Posted February 24, 2006 Author Share Posted February 24, 2006 cheers guys, I guess I'm hoping he is a crap lay-lol Best Dan no lady we are not divorced yet, only split in Nov, shock to me. I do think it will come down to repair or divorce as this limbo land is painful Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 The "Minute man"? LOL Link to comment
Lonelyinasmalltown Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 Someone brought up a good point. If Mr. Perfect is so great, why can't he just come over to her. I mean look at it She has 4 kids, her leaving to screw some guy accross the pond shows how little she cares. She would need to use your money with your permission to cheat? huh? Besides, if they're soooo convinced that this might work, why isn't he hoping a plane over? I think this other guy is just looking for sex to tell you the truth. I mean if he's not willing to come to her when she has all these kids and responsibilities that she just can't drop, what does that say about him? He's a player, that's what. It's almost too bad your wife doesn't read this board. She might get a clue what she's giving up on and what pain she's running head first into. You're a good guy, but I think you might be too good a guy. Don't bend over backwards to help her cheat on you. If she argues, ask her why he can't come to see her. After all, she's the one with 4 little ones at home.. Geez... Get a lawyer and tell him what's going on. You need to start to protect yourself. Link to comment
Lonelyinasmalltown Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 I just thought of something else. Maybe if you put your foot down your wife might start to realize what she has and is about to throw away. Not to mention she might start to respect you again. After all, how can you respect someone if they bow down to your every wish, no matter how much it may hurt them to do it. Link to comment
GreatGuy Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 I don't think that's a good gamble. In the end, you can't exactly stop anything if she decides she wants to go. I would think they would have at least exchanged pictures. Regardless, after developing things this way on the phone and internet, they are going to click when they meet. I have never not clicked in person with someone I clicked with from afar. It may die, indeed. Often these things don't work in the long haul. But, I don't think it's feasible to expect it to die in the short time that she were to fly out to meet him. If she's dead-set... then I would walk away. She may come crawling back. But I wouldn't sit there and be her security blanket. Wow!!! I am in the same shoe!! Except she has told me today she is heading to Atlanta to meet this guy for the first time she met on Harmony Central. I was crushed today when I heard it from her mouth. I am down and really its a shame because I have done everything right (for the first time). But all the back and forth have really been hard on me, and my spirit. I told her I wish her a safe trip and a great time, but that i had reached my end, and done it all. That it was time for me to feel wanted and loved just as much. What sucks is that for her to make such move to meet someone so fast....if she had done 1/3 of that for us...wow! I am not angry anymore, i am tired right now and you know maybe its a good thing for her to go out there and see it for herself. One thing for sure...I am not seating around waiting and holding my breath anymore!!! Everything happens for a reason!! Link to comment
NJRon Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 What sucks is that for her to make such move to meet someone so fast....if she had done 1/3 of that for us...wow! Yeah, I am always amazed at the effort some people will take to leave something that could be repaired with much less effort. In a way though, I think they think they are getting more value out of something they vest more effort in. Link to comment
Frangipani Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Dan, I would tell her she can find the money to pay for her liaison somewhere else!! DO NOT give her a cent towards this Dan. It's just not right. Why should you be financing the demise of your own relationship. Thats bull * * * * in the extreme!!! I wouldn't be offering her anything. If she goes she can get the money somewhere else. The money is NOT your concern mate, her problem. I'd be laying it on the line and saying "Do what you want when I move out but don't expect me put up with that * * * * while we live under the same roof." Don't give in to this. She has to know that there are consequences if she goes ahead and you can no longer support her. Think of the kids too. Whats sort of idea does it give them about marriage and love. Be strong Dan, you can't stop her going but you can keep your dignity buy not financing your wifes affair. Link to comment
GreatGuy Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Yeah, I am always amazed at the effort some people will take to leave something that could be repaired with much less effort. In a way though, I think they think they are getting more value out of something they vest more effort in. Exactly, and worst thing is i am not even sure if the thing they go to is all that it's built for. Sure things are exciting at the beginning, but to find someone who will stick by your side in good or bad time, who will have the strengh to tell you you're wrong when you are, who was willing to allow himself to open up to the idea of the two of you spending the last days of your life together, someone who will not clog you space and has a very bright future ahead....these things are important to me. I don't know how my future will turn out since I believed this was the last one!! It scares me a bit. But I must realize that i am worth every penny, deserve respect and love from someone who really wants to be there for me, not the limbo crap. I know I am going to be fine...i have to be...i have invested so much in this....and all she had to do was take a leap of faith in us instead of looking for all the wrong things about us. At it stands i am thinking that maybe the skin of my color had something to do with this, as this new guy she is going to meet is indian (just like her). Well i am happy for her, i am happy for me, I love myself and know that I was willing to give her the world, I am a greatguy and it will take someone really special to see that in me, us. Link to comment
Danny H Posted February 25, 2006 Author Share Posted February 25, 2006 well, I got my answers, i went out to the local pub last night to be told that while I was in India my wife was taking men to our house ( fair enough some are friends) but that one guy stayed in our room with her for the night I guess I now know all I need to Love to you all. I'm done, I'm dead, I'm going to be reborn Dan Link to comment
NJRon Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Geez Dan, that just sucks. The nerve of her to do that in your own backyard. Please put your feelings aside for a moment and just go speak to a lawyer, for your own good. Link to comment
GreatGuy Posted February 25, 2006 Share Posted February 25, 2006 Be strong Dan....at least you got some closure . But i know it must hurt and you know what give yourself some time to heal...Just be strong and worry about you, the fact that you did everything you could. Link to comment
Danny H Posted February 25, 2006 Author Share Posted February 25, 2006 thanks chaps, dan Link to comment
Lonelyinasmalltown Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 That really sucks. Be strong Dan. You really don't owe her anything now, remember that. IE don't pay for her to go see the other guy. My best wishes for you! You will get through this. Link to comment
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