confused-whats wrong with me

[npatel617]

I have no clue were to start. But it's something I need help with understanding, and I really don't know who to go to, or I guess don't have the courage to actually talk about it.

I was born in India, and I was in second grade when we moved to the states.

After we moved here, me and my parents went back when I was in seventh grade. I'm 24 now, graduated from an university, work as a academic advisor for a college, lived a pretty ok life. this past year in Jan I went by my self to India. And started having memories of when I used to live in India. Specifically of the time when we used to share a flat with a family during a period when the government was looking for a flat to give us. My dad was a government employee. Well I'll just get to it, I think I was molested by the son, or who I think was the son of the family that we were staying with. I keep having the same scene play over and over in my head. Were I'm being touched down there, and having this really gross, uncomfortable, want to run, but I'm frozen, and scared to the core feeling. I don't know how many times it happened, or were it happened. Or for that matter if it really happened. All I know is that I have some sort of recollection or dream of this scene and feelings that started popping up after my trip.

another time when I was bit older here in the states, when my cousin and her husband stayed with us while they were moving to Chicago and looking for a place of there own. I started recalling times when he would approach me, and put his arm around me, like over the shoulder if I was sitting on the couch, and his hand would touch the side of my chest. I remember it making me really uncomfortable, but never said anything cause I just kept saying to my self as an accident, cause other wise he was really nice and didn't do anything, not that I recall. However the feeling that I remember, is the same as the feeling I get when I have the memory about the time in India. And now am questioning weather it was an accident. I really don't know what all this means. Is my head making all this up, how come I didn't remember it before now. If so why is my head making stuff like this up. What's wrong with me. I'm a smart educated person, have a pretty good relationship with my parents. Am out going, have friends, don't feel uncomfortable with males or dating, in fact I'm a very sexual person, being physical with someone is very important to me. Aren't people that were molested supposed to be afraid of that stuff. Pleas help. I don't know what to do. Now I'm questioning my whole life, and what I've done and if I behaved in a certain way because of this or because of that….I feel like my head is going to explode.

[tmp0620]

I was molested when I was 9 by a babysitter, and although I'm not in exactly the same position you are in now, I can relate. I've read up on this stuff a lot.

 

People often forget traumatic events. When you were back in India you were reminded of the event. One of the symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is to relive the traumatic even over and over again in your head (this doesn't mean you have PTSD obviously, but often people who have been molested have it - I have some symptoms myself).

 

It's impossible for me to know whether your cousin's husband was consciouslly trying to touch you or not, but there's a good chance that he was just being friendly and you felt uncomfortable because it reminded you of what had happened to you before in India. I can tell you that I am very uncomfortable with people touching me, and very uncomfortable touching people (usually).

 

"Aren't people that were molested supposed to be afraid of that stuff. Pleas help. I don't know what to do. Now I'm questioning my whole life, and what I've done and if I behaved in a certain way because of this or because of that….I feel like my head is going to explode."

 

People that are molested aren't necessarily "afraid of that stuff". People respond to molestation differently. For example I was molested by someone who is the same sex as me and was not that much older than I was (he was only 13), so I have trouble having close friends. I'm unconsciously afraid to put trust in other guys. Because of this I isolate myself, and have no contact with girls. I'm also afraid to become a molester (although I would never molest anyone), so when a girl wants me to touch her in any way, I resist it unless I'm extremely sure that they want to be touched. I will never initiate any kind of touching.

 

Don't question your whole life because of this stuff. If you've got friends, if you've had boyfriends etc. and you're not afraid to trust people and aren't afraid to be close to people then you are probably just fine. Sounds like you live a pretty successful life. If you were molested when you were little just accept that it happened, and keep living life the way you have been.

 

All that being said, you should definitely go talk to a therapist, and get everything off your chest. A therapist will help you figure out if your past has effected you and if it has they can help you get past it.

[npatel617]

Thank you for the reply Ironlion, it helped some, from what you say I guess it confirms for me that it really did happen to me. knowing that explains a lot of how I have been and who I am. I mean I have friends but very few maybe one or tow really close friend, I have issues with opening up and sharing things with new people. and in relationship with guys I find it very hard to be emotional with them and open up an share feelings. I feel more comfortable with being physically involved, cause I figure that's what they want anyway. and I use that to keep them at a distance. growing up my parents always provided for me financially but emotionally didn't have anyone to go to, so had to solve things and be there for my self. it's easier for me to spill my guts to a complete stranger on a message board then my own family and friends, forget being able to with someone who I want to be my bf. and now I have this, were I might have been molested as a child. and I really don't know how it's affected me, if I have the issues that I do, because of that, or because I'm just not an emotional person. seems like you have read up on this, can you recommend anything, I understand when you say that I should see a therapist, but I don't have that kind of money, and I really cant go to anyone, at least not right now, until I know for sure that i was. I've always been the type of person to need to know the why's of things, I feel like if i ask more questions and read more books it will go away.......

[tmp0620]

I have read a lot about this, but that obviously doesn't make me an expert. If you have the time and money the BEST thing you could do is talk to a therapist.

 

If you're not sure that the molestation happened, then there's no way for me to know if it happened. That's something you'll have to figure out for yourself. From what I've read, people often repress their memories of molestation, so that fits with your situation, but that still doesn't mean 100% that it took place. Whether it happened or not though, the best thing you can do, in my opinion, is be aware of the things that you think are negatively effecting your relationships and concsiouly try to overcome them. Try to open up to your friends. Get close to your boyfriend.

 

It's easy to open up to people on a message board because there's no risk here. You aren't going to see these people in real life, and if you don't want to hear what they have to say you can just log off.

 

I'm just gonna throw this advice out there: tell your close friends about the molestation. Friends are there for emotional support, put trust in them and they won't burn you. Victims of molestation are overly afraid of being taken advantage of, so we have our guards up. Be brave and put them down for people who are trying to be close to you.