npatel617

Thank you for the reply Ironlion, it helped some, from what you say I guess it confirms for me that it really did happen to me. knowing that explains a lot of how I have been and who I am. I mean I have friends but very few maybe one or tow really close friend, I have issues with opening up and sharing things with new people. and in relationship with guys I find it very hard to be emotional with them and open up an share feelings. I feel more comfortable with being physically involved, cause I figure that's what they want anyway. and I use that to keep them at a distance. growing up my parents always provided for me financially but emotionally didn't have anyone to go to, so had to solve things and be there for my self. it's easier for me to spill my guts to a complete stranger on a message board then my own family and friends, forget being able to with someone who I want to be my bf. and now I have this, were I might have been molested as a child. and I really don't know how it's affected me, if I have the issues that I do, because of that, or because I'm just not an emotional person. seems like you have read up on this, can you recommend anything, I understand when you say that I should see a therapist, but I don't have that kind of money, and I really cant go to anyone, at least not right now, until I know for sure that i was. I've always been the type of person to need to know the why's of things, I feel like if i ask more questions and read more books it will go away.......

I have no clue were to start. But it's something I need help with understanding, and I really don't know who to go to, or I guess don't have the courage to actually talk about it. I was born in India, and I was in second grade when we moved to the states. After we moved here, me and my parents went back when I was in seventh grade. I'm 24 now, graduated from an university, work as a academic advisor for a college, lived a pretty ok life. this past year in Jan I went by my self to India. And started having memories of when I used to live in India. Specifically of the time when we used to share a flat with a family during a period when the government was looking for a flat to give us. My dad was a government employee. Well I'll just get to it, I think I was molested by the son, or who I think was the son of the family that we were staying with. I keep having the same scene play over and over in my head. Were I'm being touched down there, and having this really gross, uncomfortable, want to run, but I'm frozen, and scared to the core feeling. I don't know how many times it happened, or were it happened. Or for that matter if it really happened. All I know is that I have some sort of recollection or dream of this scene and feelings that started popping up after my trip. another time when I was bit older here in the states, when my cousin and her husband stayed with us while they were moving to Chicago and looking for a place of there own. I started recalling times when he would approach me, and put his arm around me, like over the shoulder if I was sitting on the couch, and his hand would touch the side of my chest. I remember it making me really uncomfortable, but never said anything cause I just kept saying to my self as an accident, cause other wise he was really nice and didn't do anything, not that I recall. However the feeling that I remember, is the same as the feeling I get when I have the memory about the time in India. And now am questioning weather it was an accident. I really don't know what all this means. Is my head making all this up, how come I didn't remember it before now. If so why is my head making stuff like this up. What's wrong with me. I'm a smart educated person, have a pretty good relationship with my parents. Am out going, have friends, don't feel uncomfortable with males or dating, in fact I'm a very sexual person, being physical with someone is very important to me. Aren't people that were molested supposed to be afraid of that stuff. Pleas help. I don't know what to do. Now I'm questioning my whole life, and what I've done and if I behaved in a certain way because of this or because of that….I feel like my head is going to explode.