butterflycloud Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Been divorced almost a year but finding it difficult to let go. The ex has been trying to get back together with me for almost the whole year apart. Yet on Friday he called to say that he was going to break all contact except the necessary contact for our son's sake. I know that I should be glad that the ex is trying to move on but to be honest I felt shattered....I know that it is only my ego and pride that are hurt- some part of me wants to know that he still wants me- I know that that is wrong and selfish but I cant help from wanting that from him. The whole weekend I was sad and aggressive and depressed and right now I sit at work trying to hold back the tears. Perhaps I am facing the actual reality of the situation- that we are over and I have to let go in all entirity............. My mind is playing tricks on me- Im feeling anxious about him being with another and my emotions are practicing what that devastating feeling will feel like. I was strong but after him breaking contact with me I am feeling so hurt....... Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!!!!! Link to comment
puppy Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 hi butteflycloud, I am sorry to hear your current situation and I can understand how you are feeling right now. Thought I share you my thought and opinion about something I have learnt from others. In the past, I looked at people in your situation and thought exactly like you. As I am a person willing to gain more knowledge, I asked a friend whom is in the same situation like you, as why she didn't stay with her ex-husband for the kids? She told me if she decided to continue with her ex-husband, then eventually the children will notice the parents being unhappy together because of them. This will lead to the children being unhappy at the end, as they thought that is how it is in real life while growing up. It is then that I realised that if a couple is unhappy being together and cannot work out things, then they should leave each others and focus on providing the children a better life. Hopefully over time you can see, it is better to let go and try to focus on providing a good life for your son. God bless you. woof woof Link to comment
butterflycloud Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 thanx puppy.. I know that I have done the best thing by leaving the ex but I cant seem to stop my ego from feeling rejected. I know that in the long term his withdrawl from me is for the best but it doesnt make it any easier to deal with right now..... Link to comment
NR498E Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Interesting post. I'm sorry you feel this way but yet I can't help but think you only feel this way because he's moving on.I think it is kind of selfish and I also think that what your feeling right know is only a fraction of the pain he has felt.I guess I don't feel sorry for you, I feel sorry for him.This is just selfishness. Link to comment
Blue In Texas Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 I cannot see how a person's pain is illegitimate merely b/c someone else is hurting more. I don't know the specifics of your split, but that is immaterial. The fact is, you are feeling pain and to my mind you have every right to grieve your loss. It would be different if you failed to respect his decision, or sought to hurt him intentionally, but it does not sound like you have. I really hope this pain passes quickly, Butterfly, but I think you need to feel that there are people here who support you and recognize that what you are going through is tough. Link to comment
NR498E Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 I cannot see how a person's pain is illegitimate merely b/c someone else is hurting more. I'm not saying that .What I'm saying is its been a year already and now she feels bad because he's finally moved on.I mean, come on. Link to comment
Miss M Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Pain and recovery from breakups often makes no sense to others. Everybody has different ways and different amounts of time needed for healing. And usually it's not linear... it's backward and forward and looping back on itself in confusing ways like a mad ride on a roller coaster. There is no "right" amount of time that one person can say another should go through. Also the original poster is hurting, came here for some help with that. She already acknowledged that her pain is illogical, that it blindsided her when she thought she should have moved on by now, so why the need to lump unkind words onto someone who is suffering? Is that a way of helping her? Has she written something offensive? It's just better not to post at all if you have nothing supportive to offer when someone is tormented in this way. I have lost loves from several years back that I still grieve over. No one can say for me how deep is the grief, or what is the right amount of time. The psychologist Susan Anderson wrote that both dumper and dumpee go through 5 stages of healing after a breakup... S - Shattering W - Withdrawal I - Internalizing R - Rage L - Lifting And she also wrote: You S.W.I.R.L. through the stages over and over within an hour, a day, a month, sometimes a period of years - - cycles within cycles - - until you emerge out the end of the funnel-shaped cloud, a changed person, better able to find love than before. Find more details about the 5 stages... link removed Link to comment
Nathalie1970 Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Andy, What you said was a bit insensitive. People do come to this site to vent and heal, and in need of support. Butterfly, Feel all the feelings you need, it will help you heal faster Link to comment
Miss M Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Another psychologist and explains the healing stages slightly differently... So, what is that magical amount of time required to process through a relationship once it has ended? It depends on you. Time varies depending upon the individual: your experiences, the state of your mental health and what's going on in your life before — and after — the breakup. What is common to everyone is that people move through all five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Different people are able to do this at different speeds. And that is what makes each breakup unique to the individuals who were involved. He labels the 5 stages differently... Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance Find more about how he explains the stages here... link removed Link to comment
butterflycloud Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 Thanks for all your posts! And thanks for standing up for me too. Andy- I am not stopping the ex from moving on and in no way have I indicated to him that I am grieving his loss so he has no idea about how I am feeling. I would never stop the ex from moving on, instead I am trying to release him with love. But at the same time I am finally feeling the last bit of the 'letting go' process and I dont think that I should deny how I feel. I know that I am wrong wanting him to want me but like I said in my first post- it is just ny ego talking- that is why I am in this forum- to get advice on how to quiten the ego Link to comment
butterflycloud Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 My ex was very abusive and feels the loss of his 'trophy wife' ( in his words). As for me I am grieving the loss of a life partner and a father to my beautiful son- it is I who is now a single mom and alone. People should not judge others before finding out all the facts. It was really hurtful and unfair to say that he is grieving more than I. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now