My uphill battle... day by day

[Jjasonn28]

Hello everyone.

 

I figured I would start this post as sort of a 'Journal'. A place where I can come, to put my thoughts 'on paper' so to speak. I appreciate everyones great advice and support. Hopefully this one post will be a more organized, focused log of this journey.. and that you subscribers will keep checking in on me, and continue to send me your strength through your words.

 

I cant say enough, how much I appreciate everyones insight. Your honesty keeps me grounded and inspired at the same time. Your encouragement makes me not only try harder to be strong... but also to WANT to grow into a bigger person on many different levels.

 

So here is to you, and to the next.... well, lets just say step.

 

 

J.P.

[Jjasonn28]

Yep, my first update!!

 

So last I wrote, she had left to the Dominican Republic for vaction, and was feeling a little low, because I wasn't able to say goodbye...

 

 

That was on Thursday. Saturday I went away on an Ice Fishing trip with a couple friends, and when I came back today, I arrived to a message left on MSN. (I tend to keep it on all the time)

 

She had found some type of Internet Cafe, and sent a message to let me know that she arrived safe, and was really enjoying her stay. She also said that she was thinking of me a lot, and really missed me..

 

This made me feel better. Dont get me wrong, Im trying my best, to be conscious of NOT reading into stuff like this, and grabbing on to 'loose scraps' and letting false hope build inside. But again, just the fact that she went out of her way to do that, gives me a sense of satisfaction in that on some level, she still cares.

 

So, tonight, I will sleep in peace.

 

JP

[jl301]

Hey Jason,

 

Good to hear that you feel better and that you're conscious about not reading too much into stuff like that, which is good. It seem like you have come long way and that still tough roads ahead of you. But you make it with us (enotalone memebers) supporting all the way. My ex sends me emails and telling me how much she misses me. But in my book; "talk is cheap and action's speak more volumes" Hang in there and be strong for yourself.

[pos69sum]

why aren't you doing no contact with her? you know from being a regular here that it is just making things 100 times harder for yourself.

[Jjasonn28]

Well for some reason, when we still talk and such, I dont hurt afterwards. In a strange way, it makes me feel a little better. I dunno. Maybe Im crazy. We dont speak daily, and Ive seen her only once in the last month. Also, she initiates about 98% of the contact.

 

Ive thought about NC... but I just feel that would hurt more. Maybe in the long run, it will take me longer to move on.. but for the moment, speaking to her kind of helps. Im doing my best to be aware and conscious of all the problems that typically come with a 'friendship' after a breakup.

 

She knows me better than anyone else, and I her. We didn't break up on bad terms... so there is no resentment between either of us. Yes, I love her, and will always love her. She is aware how I feel, and generally is very concerned with how I am feeling, and not hurting me. I also realize that she still has feelings for me, and together we are trying to remain civil, by being friends, and each doing what we can to keep things from getting out of hand emotionally.

 

I dont know if that made any sense, but it does to me

[hosswhispra]

She had found some type of Internet Cafe, and sent a message to let me know that she arrived safe, and was really enjoying her stay. She also said that she was thinking of me a lot, and really missed me..

 

 

See JP...I told you...

 

hosswhispra

[Jjasonn28]

LoL Hosswhispra.

 

I am trying to be careful not to read too much into this stuff remember? Heh, but thanks again for the encouragement. You always seem to bring a smile to my face.

 

I haven't initiated contact in a long time, but I think I am going to send her an email... just to say thanks for the message, and to let her know that I am hoping that she is having a great trip....

 

Would this be a bad idea? My instincts are telling me to send an email, but Im not 100% confident in my rational judgement abilities at the moment...

[hosswhispra]

Hello JP,

 

I don't think that sending an email would be a bad idea. If I were you, this is what I would do: since you got the email yesterday, I would wait and then respond like tomorrow or on Thursday (make her think about you!). Then tell her that you were glad to hear that she made it down to DR safely and that she is enjoying her trip down there. Something simple, short and sweet.

 

Of course, do what feels right to you--JP.

[Jjasonn28]

Alright, I was a little torn on wether or not to send her that email. But I ended up following my heart, and sent her a short email thanking her for sending me the instant message, and wishing her well. I told her that we miss her too... (Parker and I).

 

At first I felt good for sending it. But now, a few hours later, I am feeling low again, and I really don't know why. Am I over analyzing my every feeling? Ive been thinking a lot about the present, and the future, and where everything is headed.... Im having a hard time finding any inspiration to move forward in ANY capacity..

 

I know, its only been 5 weeks since our 'break up' and its still so very early to have found understanding in all of this. I realize too, that its gonna take a VERY long time to put everything completely behind me. So, if I can be aware of this.. why am I having such a hard time with it?

 

For example, every time I feel like crying, I think to myself... 'no need to torture myself. Life is short, and I deserve so much better than this.'. But I still cry. I still get lost in the torment of memories, insecurities, and lost feelings. I search desperately for an answer that will make me feel better, but cant find one. And when the tears begin to slow down, I think, 'tomorrow is a new day. Be strong, and go FIND understanding. Go FIND a reason... FIND that inspiration..' Then with the sunrise, I look outside and knowing what I SHOULD do, I cant do it. All comon sense seems to hide. Overshadowed by those insecurities...

 

So my self aware common sense persona knows that I can be, and have been a strong, inspired, happy person without her in the past.. and that I dont need her to be that person again...

 

Then my heart chimes in.. reminding me of the way I felt when we were together. Stronger, Happier and so much more driven...

 

Bah. A constant struggle between my heart and my head. I wish I could believe, and trust in BOTH again..

 

 

JP

[hosswhispra]

Only time will tell what will happen with you two, JP. Always follow your heart. I am sure that there are good things in store for you--the universe always looks after those with sincere and true hearts.

 

hosswhispra

[Jjasonn28]

I sure hope so hosswhispra. It would be nice to believe in, or have some sort of faith in SOMETHING again..

 

 

She is coming home from her Vacation tomorrow. I'm not really sure when.. though most likely later in the evening. Im not expecting her to call, but I really want to hear her voice again. Man, I miss her so much.

 

I had a rather quiet day today. I took Parker out for a long walk, and was reminded of when the three of us lived together. The snow on the ground, sunny sky, and very cool air just brought back those memories. Even the way the day seemed to smell, reminded me of her, and the times the three of us would spend our time walking in the parks. I wasn't sad. Just in one of those 'zones'... thinking of the past.

 

So, no tears today. A few smiles even. I have this picture of us hanging on the wall, (im not ready to take it down yet). It was taken at a restaurant in Nova Scotia... We decided to drive there for a long weekend getaway, (23 hours one way) when we first met. Seeing the smile on our faces, and thinking about that weekend reminded me about the GREAT experiences and memories I am able to take from this. I CAN smile. Although lobster dinners, and Alexander Keiths will never be the same.

 

JP

[Jjasonn28]

Hello..

 

Well, she is back from her vacation. I received a phonecall from her this morning at 6:00 am. She had just gotten home from the airport, and wanted to call just to let me know.

 

She had a great time... which I am relieved to hear. I had doubts that she could miss a week of school and not actually drive herself insane. But apparently she was able to relax, and enjoy her time.

 

And as in her instant message she sent me last weekend, she said that she thought about me a lot, and really missed me... I dunno. For some reason, today that doesn't make me feel at all better. It doesn't make me feel down or anything either... sorta numb. Hmm. Maybe I'm becoming immune to the sentiment?

 

More likely though, its just another of those bleh days. But good news is, I have hockey tonight!!

 

JP

[hosswhispra]

Keep doing the things you are doing JP (your hockey, the fishing trips etc.)--these things will help you get in a 'zone' where you can get a mental break from everything and feel refreshed. You need these things....

 

When all else fails, I go horseback riding---it's the only time where I don't focus on anything, except me and my horse.

 

Positive thoughts,

hosswhispra

[Jjasonn28]

Thanks again Hosswhispra.

 

I know you are right. I need to keep doing these things for ME. And since I enjoy them so much, Im not planning on giving up on them at all. Ice fishing really isn't my 'thing' but more or less I just went to hang out with some friends. (I'd rather be Bass fishing in the fall...)

 

Anyhow, Hockey tonight was great. Its almost like my escape. I really wish I could play more.... Hmm, I think maybe I should look into it a little further.

 

As for my situation with the former... she called again this afternoon. She had a lot to say about her trip. She enjoyed her time, but cant see herself doing something like that again anytime soon. She asked if I had gotten the email me she sent me. Which I didn't. Apparently, she wrote me an email, and sent it to everyone on her contact list (by mistake). Everyone but me that is. So she sent me a copy of it tonight...

 

I really am trying my best not to hang on to hope, and not to read into things that she says, or the way that she acts. But this email for some reason made me feel different. I am trying my best to dismiss it as 'just conversation'. But it is so very hard..

 

Perhaps I am breaking a rule by posting personal messages, but I feel I need to share what she said, to get opinions. I KNOW, I KNOW... let it go right? I really am trying. Sometimes I wish I could just stop loving, or that she would give me a reason to resent her.... but she is not like that.. and I DO love her... anyway.. here is the email she sent...

 

Hi Babe!

Thanks for the email, and the forwarded attatchment. I don't normally like forwarded messages but that on was very good! I am leaving today, yesterday I went on this Catamaran tour that was breathtaking -- it has been very nice here but I am ready to get back to life. I realized that this was the first true vacation I have ever been on.... where the only reason to be here is to relax, not to do things and see things, but to relax. I have a lot to share with you babe. It is weird.. but down here I feel so isolated and removed from things, I know that is the point but still I feel strange. We can talk later. I will call you tomorrow when I wake up.

 

Thinking about you!

 

Lots of kisses to Parker and a great big hug to you!!!

 

 

Now that I read this over, perhaps I am over reacting to the whole thing. More than likely actually. It is common I suppose that I overanalyze everything. But at least Im trying to be conscioius of avoiding the trap of hope.. thats a good thing right?

 

Well, I'll leave it at this for tonight. Oh.. when she called, she also asked if we could see eachother soon. She asked twice, but I didn't set anything up. Kind of left things hanging. I want to drive down NOW, but I wont. I'll take the rest of the weekend to think.

 

This is so hard.

 

JP

[Jjasonn28]

She called this evening.

 

It was good to hear her voice. She was a little nervous this time though. Apparently she received some feedback from her family about that email that she sent them by mistake. They were very concerned that she was conveying the wrong message to me.

 

This is understandable. In any other case I would assume the same. But I told her not to be nervous, or worried. Her family just hasn't ever seen that side of her. They got her worried that it was a bad idea to send me that email. I assured her that in most cases, yes, it would be a 'lead on' or giving false hope. But I am remaining conscious of those things, and that her email made me happy, not because of false hope, but because being able to share that compassion with her still, and being a part of eachothers lives is positive. Its positive in that we both know eachother so well, and care for eachother beyond the bind of a typical relationship. There is no doubt that we are connected. And though it is hard, and will continue to be hard, and hurt both of us, that connection is too important, and powerful to let go of.

 

I admitted to her that I am scared. Scared of becoming distant from her, to the point where I am uncomfortable being me, and find it awkward talking our truth's. It hurts so much to think that we will never love the way we loved before.. but hurts even more to envision a world without her. She then said that no matter what happens, because of that bond, we can always share that closeness, and that we will always have eachother.

 

Is it naive of me to think that we will always remain close? Many many people think so. But I believe it. There is just something MORE than a past relationship between us.

 

We will be seeing eachother this week. Meet for breakfast, take parker out for a long run, and see some pictures from her trip. I am not nervous. I am looking forward to it. Nothing makes my day quite like seeing her smile. We miss eachother, admitidly, and could both use a great big hug.

 

I'll let you know how it goes.

[Jjasonn28]

Hello all.

 

Well, yesterday we had that visit. A GREAT day...

 

 

 

And today she called me again. I had an appointment out of town with a company in which I may get a contract for about 2 months work. Its a growing company, and if things go well, could POSSIBLY lead into something bigger long term..

 

Anyhow, she knew about this meetin, (we spoke about it at breakfast). Today when I got home, I had an msn message waiting from, wishing me luck. That was nice to see. Then about an hour later, she called. She was very Upbeat, and enthusiastic about my day. I will admit it was very nice to hear the excitement in her voice. But having had the time to think about it a little more, it ONCE AGAIN confuses me. Dont get me wrong, Im not sad today. Infact I seemed to have carried the feelings of yesterday right through today. (What a relief) But what confuses me is her interest in this part of my life. Hmm, no, not just this part of my life, her enthusiasm and interest in my life period. Okay, I know she cares for me still. I didn't realize it at the time, but when we were talking, I was so lost in the moment. As if we were still together. We talked laughed and I didn't remember, that we are 'formers'.

 

She still calls me Babe, and Hun. (Which I dont mind, becuase thats been my name really for 3 1/2 years so I'll just chalk that one up to habit. Deep down, I just feel as though she isn't completely sure of her decision. But how do I try to be conscious of that and not let the false hope get to me?

 

Bah. Too many things going through my mind right now. I'll sleep on it, and maybe will be thinking a little clearer tomorrow. Oh, and just thought i'd mention this.. I had chinese for dinner tonight, (from the restaurant we consider 'ours') and got this, from a fortune cookie...

 

'Your Dearest Wish Will come True'

 

And instead of making me feel worse, I smiled. Probably cause I'm still on the happy high of seeing her yesterday Life is so unpredictable isn't it?

[friscodj]

Hey Jason-

 

I just want to follow up on a post of mine you followed up on.

 

What happened with me was I putting so much of myself out there for so long without reward, I essentially wore myself out, felt like I did all I could, and left things at that...

 

I think if you keep doing what you're doing, keep putting emotion and energy into your situation, in time, things will either work out where you do start getting emotional reward on the deep levels you seek or you will become so emotionally drained you will have nothing to give anymore...

 

Either way...it will be alright!

[Jjasonn28]

Yeah.

 

That makes a lot of sense. And quite honestly, I think that may be the only way to resolve this situation. Not to beg or plead day by day, but to just continue supporting her while at the same time giving her space and doing my best to find direction in my own life. I realize that this may be the more 'difficult road'... but arent the obstacles, bumps, curves and traffic what makes us better drivers?

 

jp

[friscodj]

And quite honestly, I think that may be the only way to resolve this situation.

 

It very well might...so roll with that path and hope it leads to where you want to go. Coincidentally, I've taken this path with every serious relationship I've had...I think it's just who I am, my personality, my character...and it is probably the same for you...