Baggage

[changes]

so this is a general thought/question.

 

I think most everyone has been in bad relationships. How do all of you handle the "baggage". How do you keep the lessons you learn without the resentment and bad feelings/mistrust? everyone says you just have to let go of the baggage. but how do you do it in concrete terms? what are some ways?

[Lilac]

in all honesty i moved. and a big move. 400km away from all of my baggage. i know that each bad relationship that i was in held a lesson for me and it has taken me almost 2 yrs to see those lessons and i'm not even sure if they are the lessons that was meant to learn. and i know that some of you may see me moving as running away from my problems but it wasn't that. i reached a pivot point in my life where i realized that i need to drastically change who i was or i would have never gotten out of rock bottom. the move has been great and i know that i am a way different person then i was 2 yrs ago. i still have some baggage that doesn't seem to go away but i know all it needs is a little more time.

[changes]

in all honesty i moved. and a big move. 400km away from all of my baggage. i know that each bad relationship that i was in held a lesson for me and it has taken me almost 2 yrs to see those lessons and i'm not even sure if they are the lessons that was meant to learn. and i know that some of you may see me moving as running away from my problems but it wasn't that. i reached a pivot point in my life where i realized that i need to drastically change who i was or i would have never gotten out of rock bottom. the move has been great and i know that i am a way different person then i was 2 yrs ago. i still have some baggage that doesn't seem to go away but i know all it needs is a little more time.

 

interesting! just a few months after one of my bad break ups, I was offered a job in another city half way accross the country. saw it as such a blessing....and felt great about the new start....and i did great! until i decided to move back to nyc to be close to my family.....and there went all the progress. so I don't blame you for your decision. but I know I don't want to move lol so i need to find another solution this time...

[NJRon]

The best way I have found to deal with baggage is to take a breather between relationships. Really spend some very good, quality time with yourself. Allow yourself to heal fully and process everything. Let go of the other person with as much love (or if you can't muster that, at least understanding of their misguided ways) as possible and, in the process, let go of the pain along with it. With the pain gone, the baggage stops being baggage... it just becomes lessons learned.

[Bethany]

You put it in a rucksack, carry it around and get on with your life..Sometimes it's so light you hardly notice its there, but sometimes it's so heavy for a reason, and that's when you have no choice but to open it up and see the past's regrets and broken hearts so you don't make the same mistakes twice.

[DN]

I know this sounds simplistic but I think a major step in recovery is to make a decision to let it go. A conscious and informed recognition that the relationship is over and that to allow it to occupy your heart and mind is a waste of time, a waste of effort and a waste of good emotion.

 

It means allowing your rational side to govern your emotional side for while in order to let the emotions heal. And that is why I agree with NJRon that a break from relationships is a good idea because you should only get into something new when your emotions are healed and ready to allow you a healthy relationship.

[RooferGirl23]

time does a great job of getting "rid" of baggage!

[RayKay]

I know this sounds simplistic but I think a major step in recovery is to make a decision to let it go. A conscious and informed recognition that the relationship is over and that to allow it to occupy your heart and mind is a waste of time, a waste of effort and a waste of good emotion.

 

It means allowing your rational side to govern your emotional side for while in order to let the emotions heal. And that is why I agree with NJRon that a break from relationships is a good idea because you should only get into something new when your emotions are healed and ready to allow you a healthy relationship.

 

I do agree very much with DN.

 

I think one must acknowledge it is there, but also make the choice to move forward, to take the good lessons from it, and leave behind the bad. Sometimes this also requires accepting HELP from professionals to help learn how to let it go, but ultimately I think making a decision to not let the past and the baggage determine your future is so important.

 

I often will say to someone whom is still pining for their ex ages later, still repeating and obsessing the events over in their head, they really do have to make a choice to move forward and let it go. Of course everyone grieves at different rates, and I think it's a process to move on, but at some point, you do make that decision you are going to look forward. Some people spend so much time looking back, they forget to watch where they COULD be going instead.

 

EVERYONE has some sort of past - but how light or heavy your load is often determined more by your attitude then by the actual events. I have known people whom have had pasts that would leave most people insane but are grounded, positive, and doing very well....others whom are "crippled" by relatively minor events. The difference in these that I saw, was the former carried a certain faith that this was part of the journey of their lives, their past is part of them but does not define them, that the lessons they learned were hard, but beneficial, and ultimately things would work out and while life cannot always be "perfect", you can ultimately make it a positive, fruitful one.

[changes]

raykay, are you a psychologist? or in a similar field? i find your words to hit home so hard....thanks for all your great comments.

[RayKay]

raykay, are you a psychologist? or in a similar field? i find your words to hit home so hard....thanks for all your great comments.

 

 

LOL, I think I am flattered...but no! I did study some conflict resolution in the past which often relates very much to relationships, however the rest of it is just from the school of hard knocks