Thougts and opinions on casual sex??

[cochise5]

I just had a quick question, I was curious what peoples thoughts are here on casual sex?? You know, no true feeling behind it, no love, no emotion, just sex

 

The reason I am curious is that, well I was brought up always thinking that sex was something special that was to be shared between people who care about each other. I am not on the opposite end, I didn't wait until marriage myself or anything, I just mean waiting until you know you had a connection with someone, something where you at least cared for the person.

 

My reason for asking, well, I married young but separated about 5 years ago after about 12 years. After the separation I started to date, but never really met anyone who truly interested me. Never once did I sleep with any of them because of my feelings towards casual sex. Except once, well twice (same person, two weekends in a row), after which I felt completely guilty about it and swore that I would never treat anyone (or myself) like an object like that again. Plus I wanted the person I did end up with to respect me and know I didn't sleep around.

 

Forward to today. I finally met someone who I really care about and love being around. We have been together for eight months now. But, we definitely grew up differently, her feelings towards casual sex or one night stands were thought of as no big deal "its just sex" is her famous quote. Granted, one night stands she says she hasn't done since in her 20's (she is 38 now). But prior to me she was seeing a guy for about a year or two. Both of them new the relationship was going nowhere, both of them new they were just each others "friend with benefits". It was a relationship strictly based on them meeting up once or twice a month for sex and that was it.

 

I am having a real problem dealing with this. I mean I love her, but the thought of her having "just sex" cheapens the whole thing for me and makes me feel like just a number. This is the whole reason I didn't live my life that way, because I didn't want someone to feel that way about me. I hate to say it, but I lack respect for her that she treated sex this way. Every time I hear her talk about it or say "its just sex" its like someone just punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me.

 

 

Maybe I am old fashioned, maybe I have lived my life with my head buried in my sand, but I am just curious as to what other people here think about casual sex? Do you feel this is just the modern way people now look at sex? No real emotions needed, just sex??

 

And before anyone says "well you just said you did it twice yourself"….yes I did, but as I mentioned, I felt completely guilty about it and mad at myself that I gave into the moment like that. She never felt that way, never felt guilty about it, never looked at it as inappropriate behavoiur. To her its still "just sex". Granted, she now says that it has never been as good as it is with me because with me it is on another level, with emotions and love involved.

 

So, am I crazy, are we to different, is there any chance I can get over the way I feel and make this relationship work??

[Dannysgirl]

Does it really matter what her attitude towards sex was before you were together? Ultimately whats important is that you are on the same page regarding sex NOW isn't it?

I don't think that casual sex is really a terrible thing as long as both parties realise that is what it is and are okay with it. I don't think that the fact that your girlfriend had casual sex in the past is an indication of a sleazy character or anything either. She has clearly decided that sex within a committed relationship is far better. Don't punish her for what she did in the past, she can't take it back now besides all of the experiences she had then is what has made her the person you care about so much.

Forget about her past its not worth ruining an otherwise good relationship for.

[cochise5]

Ultimately whats important is that you are on the same page regarding sex NOW isn't it?

 

 

Well that is kind of what bothers me, I don't think we are on the same page still?? She doesn't view cazsual sex any diferent than what she did before?? She still sees it as no big deal "its just sex" and sees nothing wrong with it................

[Dannysgirl]

Well that is kind of what bothers me, I don't think we are on the same page still?? She doesn't view cazsual sex any diferent than what she did before?? She still sees it as no big deal "its just sex" and sees nothing wrong with it................

 

Yes but is she having casual sex now? I don't personally think there is anything wrong with casual sex if both parties know exactly what they are getting into either but I would baulk at the idea of doing it myself. The thought of having sex without any feelings involved makes me shudder but that doesn't mean I'm against it in principle. Do you worry that she WILL go out and do this with somebody else?

[novaseeker]

I disagree.

 

I think that a person who has gone through much of their adult life engaging in "casual sex" (that is separating sex from love) is a high risk person to be in a relationship with because they have learned the habit of separating love from sex ... and that, in my opinion, is something that over the course of years causes emotional damage.

 

It's one thing to engage in this behavior when you are young and immature. It's still damaging, but it can be stopped. Most people do stop. It's really not all that common for men and women in their mid to late 30s to be engaging in casual sex or to have FWB relationships. In someone of that age, it reflects an emotional set-up that is all too capable of divorcing sex from love and emotional commitment, and that is a big blinking red flag to me ... I don't think it's a mindset that, when settled in a person of such an age, is an easy one to change.

 

I'd be very, very careful with this person, if I were you.

[cochise5]

Do you worry that she WILL go out and do this with somebody else?

 

Well, no, at least I don't think so??

 

I think it has more to do with how I morally don't feel right about it? I think sex is something to be shared between two people who care for each other. Making it something so casual makes me feel like it cheapens the whole concept of what sex is supposed to show a person in a commited relationship.

 

As I said, I can'r get past the feeling of now being"just a number" even though she has told me its more than that.

 

I don't know, I am just really confused and feel like this is going to destroy our relationship because I can not get past it..............

[Dannysgirl]

Have you asked her if she would consider having casual sex again herself? Lets say if you were to break up? If so novaseeker could be on the right track. If not then perhaps she is just remaining open minded about casual sex in principle.

[Dannysgirl]

Does she paint the times that she engaged in this behaviour in a positive light? If not then I would say you might be making too much of it and overthinking it.

How old was she when she did this?

[Confessoress]

When I'm not in a relationship I don't have any desire to have casual sex, it means too much to me on an emotional level. I only ever have sex in a serious relationship.

 

Depends on the people involved.

[cochise5]

Does she paint the times that she engaged in this behaviour in a positive light? If not then I would say you might be making too much of it and overthinking it.

How old was she when she did this?

 

I wouldn't say she paints it in a positive light, but she doesn't think it is a big deal and doesn't understand why it bothers me.

 

As for age, well she is 39, I am 37. She had no problems with one night stands back in her mid twenties, but has not had one (or so she says) since then. She was 36-37 when she was having htis other "friend with benifits" relationship.

 

I should also mention that she did have a semi serious relationship back when she was 28-29 and had a child who is now 10 and is the love of her life. She said she completely gave up dating and apparently this guy and myself are the only two people she has been with in the past 10 years since her child was born (or again, so she says..........)

 

believe me, I would never expect to meet a virgin at my age and that is not what I am looking for. I couldn't care less how many guys she had been with, she is almost 40. Its just the casualness that bothers me.............

[cochise5]

When I'm not in a relationship I don't have any desire to have casual sex, it means too much to me on an emotional level. I only ever have sex in a serious relationship.

 

Depends on the people involved.

 

 

That is exactly the way I feel. So my question to you:

 

If you met someone who didn't feel that way and slept around thinking it was no big deal, do you think you could forgive this and not dwell on it?? Do you think you could have a relationship with that person and not let it bother you??

[Dannysgirl]

If it really bothers you that your ideas regarding sex are so different then it doesn't look like you will be able to get past this and will probably end up resenting her for her sexual exploits in the past. Do you think that you can get over it and not let it bother you? If you don't think you can then its only fair to break up with her and find somebody more on your level in that area.

How is your relationship otherwise, do you think your differences regarding this issue is worth ending it for?

[cochise5]

Do you think that you can get over it and not let it bother you?

 

How is your relationship otherwise, do you think your differences regarding this issue is worth ending it for?

 

I don't know, I am so confused, I don't really know. One minute I think I am over it, the next I feel sick to my stomach thinking about her with someone so casual...............I don't know if this feeling will go away in time or if it won;t go away ever..............

 

As far as the relationship beyond this difference, it is really good. We have so much fun when we are together, she is like a breath of fresh air in my life and I love spending time with her.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I can certainly appreciate that you have a different view or opinion about casual sex than your current partner but acknowledge it for what it is. A difference. If you can't be with her because you don't share the same view, than cut it off.

 

Having similar opinions on certain things can be very important in a relationship. I couldn't be with someone who is racist. I just disagree with that too strongly.

 

Maybe she is having the same struggle knowing she is with someone who is a bit judgemental or prudish or whatever the opposite is...

 

Maybe for you, the fact that someone has had casual sex is a deal breaker. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe its just that important to you. You can only decide that for yourself. There's no right or wrong reason, its just how you feel. Don't try to justify it or be ok with it if you're not.

 

But I do think it worth it for you to know that it may hurt her feelings to think that you are feeling superior or that she is immoral when its simply a difference of opinion. I personally agree with danny's girl that you should not punish her for decisions she made pre-you.

 

I happen to have had promiscuous 20's. I disagree that it was damaging. I am happily married, my husband knows I had sex before him, its a complete non-issue. Maybe he's comfortable enough with himself and just likes me because I'm a nice person. Regardless of sex. Having had sex before I was married or just because I wanted to does not make me immoral, untrustworthy or less of anything. I'm a professional person raising a family in a middle class suburb. What does having sex or waiting or sexual preference have to do with anything?

 

And on a personal note, I am a firm believer in the difference between sex and love. Yes the two go well together, like broccoli and cheese. Together very good and contain things that are good for you. But both have good things separately too. And sometimes, even with my husband, I just wanna forget about the vegetable and go straight for the cheese.

 

Sex is part of our nature. We're sexual creatures. You can moralize it all you want....stifle it, call it wrong, put limits and laws on it, forbid it, ridicule those who have it, but you'll never get rid of it. None of us ('cept maybe the clones) would be here without it.

 

Just try to be ok with the fact that there are different people in the world. If you can't, than find someone who has views closer to your own. Or clone yourself....

[Dannysgirl]

Maybe it would benefit you to think of her past casualness with regards to sex as a symptom of relationships that meant nothing to her, but then she met YOU and realised that sex IS better when in a relationship and that is something she only realised when she found somebody she really cared for.

If you get on so well in every other way it would really be a shame to let this go down the pan because of her past indiscretions. Realise that she cares for you (and certainly cares about you much more than any of her previous boyfriends) and leave what is done in the past where it belongs.

What is more important in the long run? A relationship with somebody who is 'a breath of fresh air' and who you can have good times with or identical views on sex?

Is it really THAT important in the grand scheme of things?

[novaseeker]

It just depends on the person.

 

For me, a history of a good deal of casual sex at an advanced age would be a red flag. A big red flag, because I do not enjoy at all sex outside of some emotional bond or commitment ... not a moral issue for me, just an emotional/psychological one, and I can't relate to someone who has a different mindset about the relationship between love and sex. For someone else, sex and love can but don't have to go together, and casual sex is fine. I think that the OP has to decide how important it is to him, and decide whether he wants to be in a relationship with someone who has different views about this issue.

 

I wouldn't say loaded things like "Is it really THAT important in the grand scheme of things?" .. because for some people it IS very important, whereas for others it ISN'T .... and it's up to the OP to decide, without being told he shouldn't make a big deal over it, what he really feels about the issue, and how strongly.

[jadencierrasmom]

Maybe she has accepted her past and honestly I am surprised she shared all of that with you. When I love someone, I don't need the details of their past sexually. I don't think much of it. Focus on why you like her and who she is today. Would you feel better if she cried and said how ashamed she is?

Or is there a fear of commitment on your part and you are looking for an excuse. To me she is just comfortable with herself and she is not fake. Which btw is hard to find.

Just my opinion.

Jazzy

[Dannysgirl]

My intention was not to suggest it he was 'making a big deal about it' just to ask him whether it really is THAT important to HIM in the grand scheme of things. Personally if I had a a good relationship with someone then I would think it a shame to end it based on something that is in the past and has nothing to do with me.

However everybody is different and I wasn't implying that he would be wrong to end it based on this just that to think it through and decide what is more important to him, a relatively good relationship with somebody he cares deeply about that is good on every other level or his feelings regarding casual sex.

If its the latter there is nothing wrong with that and he should probably end the relationship.

[cochise5]

Thanks for the advice. I am still completely confused though. I know its my battle, I either have to forgive and forget or move on. I guess time will tell, maybe I need a bit of alone time to figure out what I truly want.

 

Geez, I thought I was a bit of a nut being hung up on a subject like this, but after doing a bit of searching it seems that this is not an uncommon problem for people, men or women.............