Starting NC....

[things_ive_done]

I wonder how long this can acctually last...I don't know if any of you remember my situation but I'll give you the brief low-down. Oct 4th, SHE broke up with me after a year and seven months, said she needed space, needed time to figure out what she wanted, blah blah, wasn't IN love with me but still loved me, blah blah.

 

I was devastated, I couldn't eat for almost a week and a half, I couldn't sleep properly, and when I did, I would wake up so early and not be able to lie there because I'd start to think (I think do this one from time to time - like this morning).

 

So I did NC from her for around 2 weeks then she was upset with some irrevelant sh*t (or something about her missing me, one or the other, we were drunk when she told me this) After that we started hanging out a little bit (I knew we shoudln't have...I should have been healing), then one night at a mutal friend's "party" she showed up after I had been there drinking (she was drunk too), and she grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed I grabbed her and started kissing her, etc...no details needed. We both ended up leaving later on in the night, and txt'd each other back, saying how much we wished we would've had sex, just for old times sake, but we kept saying how we (mainly me) couldn't get attached if we decided to do that.

 

So for the last (almost) 2 monthes, we've been having sex, kissing, cuddling, hugging, doing all the things that are involved in a relationship, but we pretty much hid it from people, and we made it clear to each other that we weren't together, we were just having our own little "thing".

 

Lately I've noticed that she's been acting a little different. I confronted her and she said we would talk about it after exams. I didnt want to know what was on her mind, I wanted to know why she had been a little rude to me the other day. We ended up getting into a bit of an argument and it came out - she said that we shouldn't be doing this anymore, because she feels and knows that she's holding me back from the rest of the world. She knows that I keep focusing on our relationship and what's not there anymore which isn't a good thing, when I should worry about myself....

 

...I told her I needed space, I needed time to figure out my own stuff, to see what I wanted...etc...

 

her exact msg was:

 

"im so sorry i did this to u, u have no idea how much it hurts me to know how much i hurt u...But as u respected me n my wishes i will give u your space....N hope for the best. N so I guess this is goodbye for now...Thank u for everything. U made me feel like no one was better than me. N no ones ever made me feel that way. Im so sorry...Goodnite Michael...."

 

that was after our long msging back and forth....

 

I simply replied with "...I wish I didnt love you still, so that I wouldn't have to do this...Goodbye *Laura*"

 

...

I hate this, I'm breaking down as I'm writing this, and its been FRIGGIN MONTHS since we broke up, I turn 19 in less than 2 weeks and she turns 17 the week after........like I should be stronger than this, I shouldnt be crying all the time...I love her so much...and I hate her for it...i dont want to be like this...i dont want to call into work sick anymore because I dont think that I could handle being there...I want to acctually go thorugh a day where I'm happy...I haven't been so happy in so long...I'm thinking maybe anti-depressants might help...

 

I just want to hug her kiss her, hold her....and @ the same time...drive 1000000 kilometers away from her...

[Ms Omaniac]

oh sweetee

hugs:

im soooooo sorry youre going through so much pain. it's so hard to be where you are. a lot of us on here have already gone through that and feel like we barely made it alive...but at the same time...because of it...made us soooo much stronger.

but when i was in the situation youre in...it was the worst pain id ever been through. like you...we broke up...but then kept seeing each other and sleeping with each other. that was until he dumped me for someone else because...as he said...we werent together.

it was awful. i felt soooo used. i was still seeing him in hopes we'd get back together. i was doing ok again because he was in my life and to me...it felt like old times.

but it wasnt. and in their mind...they felt like they should be absolved of any guilt because they told us that we were no longer exclusive because they didnt know what they wanted.

the lesson i learned from that is if they break up...DO NC. if they come back because they are confused...TOO BAD. when they are confused and they keep you there...youre almost like a prisoner there waiting for THEM to make up their minds. never ever again. unless i know for sure what the relationship is...i dont stick around and hope for the best. i have found out...you give someone an inch and they take a mile totally disregarding your feelings and are selfishly concerned for only theirs.

hang in there. post on the board to vent. take care of yourself.

[things_ive_done]

...its so weird....like..

 

..I thought today I'd have a really bad day....but...I was out laughing, smiling, having a good time...I was in a good mood. Don't get me wrong, there were points, while working, that I'd just stop and think, and kinda let reality set in, which was rather hard...I'd get sidetracked and have to take a smoke break. I just needed a little space I guess. I just don't understand why I was in a good mood after work...if anyone could explain that..?

 

but if you're wondering about now, I'd tell you that I am having feelings of jealousy of a few things, and Im just...I dunno, I feel sooooo.....soooo free, yet I feel like im just held lower than everyone else is, im sorry, its so hard to put into words.

 

...just to let you know, it's taken me about an hour to write this, I've been doing it in between of other things I had to do, but while I was doing some computer work, I had to find a photo, and I came accross several pictures she sent me, right when we were starting to date... as soon as I saw a close up on her face, with the eyes looking right at me...I completely lost it... it just seems like I have reality checks where I just break down for a few mintues, until I convince myself that I have to deal with it..

 

I wrote a letter on my computer yesterday..that I changed my mind on sending after I read around Enotalone earlier today. I'm going to eventually share it with you guys..but I don't think I should read it just now, sorry.

 

Thanks to anyone who stopped and read this, it just feels alot better to let everything out, and write what's on your mind...

 

 

[ADDED] oh and there was an IM from her on my computer when I came home tonight, a simple "Hey.."

 

...I didn't send anything back - NC!

 

I didn't really expect to hear anything from her today really, the phone, txt msg, instant message, voice message, nothing...but I'm just focusing on no contact for now.

[things_ive_done]

Ahhh...Once again I lie awake in bed...pondering...

[Ms Omaniac]

well youre doing much better than i'd be doing so kudos to you. i dont think i started laughing after my breakup for months. im glad to hear youre able to smile.

you'll soon see the ups and downs start spreading further and further apart. next thing you know it...you havent had a down in like weeks.

then the next thing you know it...you dont miss the person and youre finally over them.

"soon soon soon." that's my mantra. haha.