Still regret dating my ex...

[Lily04]

I broke up with my ex-bf a year ago. We dated for a few months. I have to say that he was my first boyfriend at 19 (I was a bit of a nerd in high school), and he was 23 and I was his first girlfriend (he was a really big nerd in high school & college.) Basically I wasn't physically attracted to him in the least but I still dated him just because I wanted a boyfriend and he seemed to like me. He was very unattractive. I was just incredibly insecure then. I think it was because I was teased a lot as a kid for multiple reasons (main one was that I was overweight from childhood to my early teens) but then lost a lot of weight. Like drastically. In any case, he really wasn't a good boyfriend. He appreciated me but took things way too fast and I wasn't comfortable with that so much (we did NOT have sex, thank god, I drew my limit there, but got a bit too intimate for comfort.)

 

Thinking back, I liked him I guess, but I changed very quickly once I gained confidence. And he didn't accept that and kept trying to e-mail me, became obsessed with me after we broke up and threatened me, etc...

 

I just still feel bad because I realize that I had so little self-respect for myself and it upsets me. I am a very attractive person, but I had no idea. People would tell me "you're so beautiful, just look at yourself" but I honestly looked at myself and couldn't see it. I just saw all my imperfections. I think it was also because my mom was abused when I was a child and seeing her being mistreated possibly influenced me, even though I didn't know it. My ex. never abused me in the least, but there were some things I was uncomfortable with (just some sexist remarks he made) and I didn't like it.

 

I just look back and see how much I've changed I guess. I am much more confident now and my standards for dating are probably too high now actually. I have started modelling, and it has increased my confidence, and I know a lot of men are attracted to me. But I still think about that sometimes and it just brings me down...I actually haven't dated anyone since, and it's now a little more than a year later, just because I'm not interested in anyone but I'm also more cautious to know that I'm dating the right person.

 

Anyway..... I don't know the point of this. Guess I just had to get it out...and I still feel sad because of it sometimes. I don't know. If any future bf asks me about my past relationships, I'll just have to make stuff up because I haven't even had any really...I still feel a lot of guilt about dating him though. It's just one of those things because I feel like I lost my self-respect, and since I am such an independent person that means a lot to me...he also said horrible stuff about me when I told him I didn't want to be friends with him (even though none was true) but just seeing how pathetic he was, it really upsets me that I could sink that low. And now I just wish I could have a fulfilling relationship, but I feel like I also probably have a lot of issues I need to get sorted through first. I'm just worried I won't find anyone for a while... honestly, on the surface I probably seem perfect. I look attractive, intelligent, people think I'm smart & determined, etc... but on the inside I feel very unsure and often unhappy...

 

Well that helped to just get out...I don't expect anyone to reply, but even if not, it helped. =)

[leijona]

Well, I think I can understand that. I've had a similar experience of dating someone whom I didn't love and I still feel bad about it sometimes, although it was a long time ago. I'm sorry about that, cause I suppose I hurt him a lot (though I didn't mean to)...

 

 

But there's no point in thinking it over and over or having regrets. It happened, you cannot change it, you can only learn from it

I'm sure you know "your value" now a will be more careful when starting a new relationship. However that doesn't mean, that you should be too picky and try to find faults with everyone. Cause you will find them, everyone has some Don't worry about finding the right person - every relationship can be right in a way, as it helps you grow...

And you don't have to think up stories about your love life - what's bad about admitting you've had none? I'm sure that your future boyfriend will feel happy about being your first love

[Itsok]

Honey we all regret things that we have or have not done from our pasts. However, there's only one way to learn and that's to make mistakes.

 

Many of us regret dating people, being part of certain crowds, being involved in certain things and so on. However, there's really only one thing to do:

 

Live each day to the fullest of your ability, then you can look forward to the future and look back with no regrets.

 

If there are things in your past that you regret, realize you were a different person then, and that life changes us. Our experiences will always shape us, and there's no reason to regret a life experience.

 

It's ok to think about and reflect on things. It's ok to vent

 

Just don't let your past dictate your future.

[Lily04]

Wow, thanks so much for the replies! =) As I said, I wasn't expecting them, since my post wasn't really a question. But I'm glad you guys posted. Itsok, you're exactly right. I shouldn't be so hard on myself about it... many people make mistakes in their past with regards to relationships and other things (some people have sex at 16 when they're not ready, and get pregnant, etc... there's lots of bigger problems as well. And I never even had sex with him, and glad I kept to that.) For some reason I never thought of that, but it puts things in perspective. I have changed A LOT and I shouldn't regret what I was like then. We all change and learn from the past.

 

I think it just slightly bothers me as well, because I have a Facebook account and I'll get people adding me from elementary & high school and saying things like "wow, you've really changed! I remember you used to be a nerd", etc. and I guess it still hurts a bit. It's really silly but a lot of high school rivalry still occurs... I guess since I lived in a small town (now I live in the city and find it sooooooo much better), but people are so competitive and jealous, and I don't like it. I actually dated this guy in my first year of university but was still really insecure even then I guess. In one year though I changed dramatically... last year (2nd year of uni.) and this year I've learned more about myself than probably the 21 years I've lived combined. So I'm happy about that... I just wish I could be happier in life, in general, and perhaps find the right person. But I'm still young, so there's lots of time to meet people.

 

Thanks guys,

 

Lily