taking a break? breaking up?

[confusedcollegeguy]

Hi,

I've been trying to find advice similar to the problem that i have, but decided to just post the problem instead. I've been going out with my girlfriend for almost a year and im very in love with her. I moved away to college 4-5 months ago and we've managed to stay together (she visits me a lot). I've met another girl that im interested in here and im not sure what to do. I've been experiencing insecurity about our relationship prior to meeting this girl. Mainly, i've been concerned with the fact that im 18 years old and i dont feel like i've had that much experience "playing the fields" so to speak. Not only in terms of sexual relations, but in terms of traveling and being an independent person whose identity is not tied up and mashed with someone elses. The issue of traveling and being independent i believe can be solved while staying in a relationship. It's more the fact that i want to sleep with other people that troubles me. I feel from what i've read like people seem to respond "if you love enough, you'll stay with her" or something along those lines, but i feel like this does not really help anyone in any specific practical way. I guess what im looking for is not "should i stay with her or not", because i know that nobody can answer that for me, but are these feelings simply due to my age that will go away, or is it the case that unless i go and experience other women the nagging doubts will also remain? One option that I considered was taking a break and being allowed to see other people. She, however, has said that she is not interested in other people, so this would be purely initiated from my side and i feel like it would not be fair to lead her along. Im not sure that i want to break up with her though. As i said, i love her very much and i cherish what we have together. What im looking for here is not really opinions, because those will not help me either way. Does anyone know of specific studies, psychological studies, or have person stories of taking a break to see other people and getting together and living happily. or is this just a fairy tale to soften the blow?

[Relationship Coach]

CCG,

Taking a break for the purpose of bedding other women I think is a clear sign that you are not "in love" with your GF. If you really loved her you would not have these urges to spread your DNA throughout your campus. Either you don't know and understand what true love is or your just not "in it" with her. Going away to college is very tough on a relationship because you are leaving what you had behind and seeing every day what you could have now. It is certainly a test of true will as well as love.

 

How would you feel if you were on the other end of this situation? Driving to see your GF as often as possible to maintain a healthy relationship only to learn that she now feels that she may need to experience the pleasures of others because she has had limited contact with other guys. You would be angry and hurt. You need to be honest with yourself about how you really feel about her and then be honest with her. Taking a break in a relationship is usually to focus on other issues to make the relationship better, this is hardly the case here.

 

RC

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

CCG,

 

Just because Relationship Coach didn't give you the answer you were looking for doesn't mean that it's OK to attack him. To tell the complete and honest truth I think his advice is good. Let me explain.

 

When I was 18 I was engaged to be married with a wonderful woman who went to college about 200 km away from me. I went to see her every weekend that I could so that we could spend time together. I was very happy, then she dumped me. She realized while she was in college how much there was available to her. I didn't mean she didn't love me, but she wanted to "live a little" and date other people without hurting me. Of course I didn't believe any of this until I met her a couple of years ago and she finally explained it to me.

 

You're in a spot right now where you're meeting new people. It's only natural that you'll want to see these other people too. Ultimately though, no study, survey or anything like that will help you out of your dilema. It comes down to one thing and one thing only. What do you really want and what are you willing to sacrifice in order to get it? If it's to stay with your girlfriend then you need to stay true to her. If it's to go with this new girl you need to let her go so she can find someone new. Simple choices really, on paper. A lot more harder in real life though.

 

Edit: I see you deleted your post about relationship guy. I'm glad, all he really is doing is taking time out of his day to try to help.

[janey17]

I agree-- taking a break is usually cuz of some problems in your relationship, but it doesn't sound like that's what you're saying. I think you either need to accept the difficulties of longdistance and these feelings you may have but stay with your girl exclusively OR break up with her and experience new people. But I don't think softening the blow by saying "let's go on a break" is the right thing to do here... it seems like it would lead her on in that you do wanna be with her but you just need time. I'm not sure that's the case. Goodluck!!

[BillyJean714]

RC, LonelyinaSmalltown,

 

I am always so thoroughly impressed by the advices you guys give!!

 

 

ConfusedCollegeGuy,

 

Okay- your story sounds similar- extremely simiar to an experience I went through in my past. Same situation. Let's switch up the people a bit. My ex in your shoes, your GF in mine. It was such HEARTACHE. I was in high school, only 16- he was 21 in college. Anyway, to cut a long story short- my ex gave me the SAME story as yours. He felt the same as you did. Only think that hurt me like a mofo was the fact that he had the audacity to sell me the dream of "being in love" insinuating on the fact that we would be together forever-type of deal.

.

His reason was because he wanted to "experience the college life." WHATEVER. Heartbreak hotel it was! I spent 5 months crying, sobbing, heartbroken- it literally ate me up inside- not much of a help for someone who was a junior in high school.

 

Fast forward 5 months after we broke up. He comes back- professes his love to me, blah blah...Turn the tables around this time- He's the one who's in love, I fell out of love. Why? Because once someone takes us for granted, we learn. Moral of the story- if you decide to tell her that you want your freedom to roam and find yourself- she'll also have a change of heart.

 

I say- you go with your gut. You need to be on your own. You need to do whatever you have to- but whatever you do- just DON'T string the poor girl's heart along. Believe it or not but karma will turn around in bite you in the behind, then you'll realize that "yah, maybe I shouldn't have strung her along all this time." Because in the end, my ex was VERY heartbroken and distraut. All the pain he put me through- he had to endure- however 3 times worse. Btw, we lasted another 3 1/2 years after the initial "5" month break-up.

 

Whatever you do- you just have to be true to yourself and to her. We can't tell you what's right or wrong, but what we can tell you is it's always good to be honest with yourself, rather than letting things drag on and hurting others along the process. It does more harm than good when people aren't HONEST with themselves- when they keep on perpetuating in a life full of denial/lies. Sorry so long. Hope this helps!

[snugglemufin]

You are 18 and young and want to "play the field". if thats what you DO want then you have to be honest and leave this girl, you can't have your cake and eat it. If you want to settle down and marry her then you need to be honest and accept that mariage is a commitment and if you still want to "play the field" then you will probably find that the marriage won't work. My advice is don't get married too young if you want to meet other girls. Its better to marry later when you have had what you want, rather than marry early while still yearning for lifes desires. when true love hits you, other girls won't matter at all - fact.

 

Only you know what you want !

[hosswhispra]

A+ advice, Relationship Coach........