love vs. in love? soulmate vs. secure? pls help!!

[coldplay8]

hello all. i am having a very hard time with a serious life decision. it is making me very depressed and sometimes i just feel like giving up altogether. i would truly appreciate any advice/opinions.

 

here is my story, its long so i apologize but there are a lot of details to explain...

 

i was in a relationship for 7 years. started when i was 21, he was 18. we were very in love. eventually jealousy, abuse and mistreatment snuck in. there were thousands of miles often separating us. but we stuck it out. about a year ago, after 6 1/2 years together, i got sick of many things. the efforts were just not being made anymore- we wouldn't talk for weeks unless i called. i didn't see what was the point, my life was passing me by as i waited for some undefined thing. i still loved him but i wasn't sure i was in love anymore and the future was so blurry. i was supposed to go visit him in 2 weeks but broke it off on the phone. it was the hardest thing i ever had to do. he was devastated. said he had a ring and was going to ask me to marry him- its true. we talked it over for days but my mind was made up.

 

the year continues. we don't talk due to my request. he has a real breakdown but eventually recovers to become a stronger, stable, happier person and one who recognized and apologized for what he had done to me over the years. we talked when he came to visit and fell back into something. he was obviously changed and i genuinely liked him again. i went to visit him for the holidays and after, so we started seeing each other again.

 

ok... during our break, i met and fell in love with the love of my life. i believe he is a soulmate and someone i connect with on a level i never have with anyone in my life. we are now not together, but what i took from the relationship was a realization of what that kind of connection really felt like. i would have married him after 6 months and i'm not like that. we just completed each other.

 

so... i have a decision to make. i know my ex/not ex loves me. and i love him. but when i think of him it seems to be a different kind of love. after 7 years, i still couldn't say that i would marry him right now. but he has changed and we get along much better. he wants to come stay with me for a few months soon. i would kind of like to see other people (but haven't told him). but i know it will kill him again. i know he would like to be with just me and get married. and i feel like i should give things with him a chance for at least a while.

 

so has my love for him faded or does time just make things more 'comfortable' and like friends rather than lovers? should i accept a life with him, one in which i know he loves me and i love him (vs. in love), even if it is not the ultimate connection? or do i wait for a soulmate to come along again? i am getting older (just turned 30) and don't want to sit around waiting for the impossible for the rest of my life. at this point part of me thinks i should accept what i have and the other part thinks i need to trust my gut and wait until i feel it again, even if it takes another 20 years.

 

people have told me different things. like they weren't completely sure when they walked down the aisle, that most people aren't. but after experiencing someone that i could say %100 yes to, I don't know how my heart can accept less?

 

help! i am completely torn.

[secret_agent_man]

You have to do what is right for you. You seem caught up in the ex's emotions, and seem like you want to give him a chance for his sake more than yours. On the other hand, the new boyfriend is still new, and that can fade with time. I see why you are stuck.

 

My best advice would be not to do either right now. I know it would be tough, it's nice to have security, but maybe you should take some time for YOU and let your mind decide without being directly in contact with either guy. If I were you, I would definitely not accept an engagement until I was sure that I wanted to do it. Marriage is not something you should want to do twice, so try to be sure. If you are unsure, don't be pressured by yourself or anyone else to jump to a decision. You could really regret it later. It's just going to be a real hard thinking time. Keep coming to this board and discussing your thoughts, the people here can really help with a lot, and ease your mind.

 

Good luck!

[isamujon]

blah

[coldplay8]

thanks for the advice so far guys...

 

while i am getting older, and the pressures of society begin to bear down, it just gets more confusing. everything tells you that marriage is what u need, although rationally i know better. and not to sound snotty, but i'm a catch i could have been married several times. but am i waiting for the impossible?

 

definite good vs. possible great? i guess that's the real question... but i guess nothing's definite huh?

 

i realize that i'm really doing a lot of chatting with myself here

[BeachBunny]

I can completely relate to you!! You have no idea! I am in a similar situation. I have been dating this guy for 6 years now and I have been so confused for the past 2 years. He is a wonderful guy and I keep trying to find things that are wrong with him so I can leave him. In reality, there is nothing wrong with him. I have been with him since I was 18 and I think I am really searching for myself right now and my happiness. I think that if I have to question it so much then it can't be right. Only you can control your destiny and only you know what truly makes you happy. I definitely love my boyfriend, but I am not in love with him. Make sense?? I am now going to be moving in with a friend of mine and taking some time for myself. On top of things, I have a best male friend who I am falling in love with. Life is so confusing! Just do what makes you happy even though it might seem selfish. Everything happens for a reason. Your soulmate is out there and you will know when you have found him. Sometimes the routine and comfort of such a long relationship can make things blurry. Follow your heart. I wish you the best...

[me2be]

Ask God about it. Get into His Word, ask Him what His Will is. Read the Bible for the path. You will receive your answer. If you have any questions, e-mail me:

 

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