Feeling Down And Blue

[shuz]

Hi all, am new to posting my problems but these days I feel like I need to get things off my chest, and mind.

 

Short story - have been broken up for almost 3 months now. It was one of the best relationships I ever had, we wanted to "grow old" together, you know, all the sweet, romantic stuff. Then things came crashing about 5 months ago - work stress on both sides, him becoming more selfish, unfortunately me becoming clingy and of course the essential third party woman who came along when we were falling apart to ruin it altogether.

 

What hurts the most now is realising that everything we shared for a year was time wasted. Maybe my ego is bruised, maybe I'll never love again - but to have someone take your love and make a mockery out of it, that pain is unbelievable. And to think he was the one who told me to give him a chance at loving me. Unfortunately, I fell for that and now have to pay a dear price.

 

I'm trying to walk away from this, hold my head up kinda thing, you know. Somedays I am doing fine; today I spent the whole day crying. I might want to add that we have LC, and it's always him who contacts me. And him who tells me that he misses me and wants to know how I am doing (or I could just be overanalysing).

 

I don't think he's hurting as much as I am - he seems to be carrying on fine, probably out meeting new people to replace me. Me? I just want this pain to go away. I go from hating him for what he put me through to wanting him back (which is stupid, I know). I feel stupid for even missing him.

 

Any solution on how to make this pain go away? I just can't seem to get him out of my mind and I feel like an idiot for mourning this relationship even though it's been so long since our break up.

[friscodj]

shuz-

 

Your story sounds very familiar to my last relationship, minus the third-party.

 

From what it sounds like, you are going through the grieving process. I'm sure as many people on this board will agree, the first step to take on the road to recovery to cease contact with your ex. No contact (NC) is the first step and I definitely think it will help you here.

 

As far as what to tell him? You may write him a letter or email and just tell him how you feel and that you need time away to heal.

 

And I certainly don't think your time was wasted, as you state. You can most definitely learn and grow from this experience and use that gained wisdom to have better relationships in the future.

 

It's OK to cry, OK to miss him, OK to grieve and feel stupid, guilty, pathetic, etc. While that is happening and slowly bringing you towards the holy grial of acceptance, just try to keep your mind occupied with other constructive things too. Maybe try a new hobby or activity, take a trip somewhere, and build relationships with friends.

 

Post here anytime, someone is always willing to offer their experience, wisdom, and advice!

[charliek]

shuz-

Your situation is very similar to mine minus me being clingy, and our relationship was 5 years plus. . .but everything else, to the T! We have been broken up for about 2 months now and we have LC to NC. . .In the beginning I hated him b/c of the third party. I was so upset that after 5 yrs this girl could just come in and replace me just like that. . .I was miserable. . .but I worked really hard at focusing on me. . . and taking all that hurt and anger towards him and realized that it's not fair he gets to go out and live his life as if he's not hurting and i'm in bed wasting away, crying, etc. . .to me that was unattractive.

 

So I got my butt up and started to go out. . .even if it was to a book store to try and find a book that would give me answers as to how to take this pain away. . .I stumbled upon one that really helped me. No it wasn't a step by step process BUT it was a reality check for me. The book, "its called a break up b/c it's broken," and many times I closed it and didn't want to admit that that was how my relationship was. . .but I always went back to the book and realized ok, yes that is my relationship and lets see how they delt w/ it. . .

 

I still have my down days, but they are getting farther apart. But when they hit, they hit hard. But i know that is b/c I was in love w/ this man and shared a lot of good times w/ him and miss him. Not necissarily b/c I want him back. . .

 

I did learn and am still learning htat my ex did and is hurting b/c we broke up. But the toughest part for me was he wasn't showing it the same way I do. . .so I couldn't recognize it.But now I separate him from me and realize his emails telling me he's thinking of me, his reactions to me going out w/ others, etc. . .is his way of showing me that he is hurting.

 

But don't dwell on him anymore. This time it's about you! The pain does go away once you start focusing your attention on something you do have control over. . that's you!! Do things for you, not to impress him or try and win him back. . .do things that make you happy!! Thats all you have control over. . .for example, if you had your hand on a bunch of stick pins you would remove your hand right away to remove the pain right. . .well, remove him from your mind. . .every time you start to miss him, right down 5 things you want to accomplish as goals. . .start small each day! Make a goal that you know you will accomplish that day that makes you happy!!

 

It gets better I promise. . . hugs

[pos69sum]

you probably notice that the pain or grief comes in waves - one minute you are ok, doing well, productive, not thinking about the ex, another time something triggers thoughts of your ex and you are off again crying or something. i've only been 2 weeks, with one relapse, NC. i've noticed that the worst times for me are the 'down times' - time spent alone, at night or on the weekends when i'm home from work - that i used to spend with her. now these moments are empty. also waking up in the morning or going to bed at night are problem times.

 

what i've been trying to do, not successfully but this was a strategy that was given to me - is to recognize these times and plan out ways to occupy your mind during these times since they seem to be the most problematic. if i am at home and i see something on the tv and i think of something, i want to call her to tell her some idea i had about the news, and then i realize i can't do that anymore... then a wave of grief comes in. so now i try to minimize all 'alone at home' time to just the bare minimum, i try to get out of the house as much as possible. i'm not sure if this will help you but it's a strategy i found out about for coping.

[shuz]

Hi, thanks for all your kind words. It's great and a relief to know that I am not the only one out there (it feels like that sometimes).

 

The thing is I do occupy myself with tons of things to do. I'm very comfortable spending time alone. And I do have a lot of things going for me - I have a great job, I've got good friends, family and a lot of people have told me that I can get any guy I want (even the ex himself). I feel that I am coming along the way but there are days when it just goes boom! and I'm back to square one I hope it goes away soon.

 

What hurts is getting over a love gone and lost. And the pain that I am going through. I tend to keep all my emotions in check and maybe this is a way of it retaliating, lashing out. And yes, I am bruised and terribly upset to know that he may have picked someone else or turned his attention to another woman because things between us were going downhill for awhile. I can't believe I gave my heart to a man who can so quickly turn his back on me when the going gets tough while he was the one preaching that he would never ever do anything to hurt me. Well, I guess people do change.

 

True, he may be hurting himself and missing me terribly (or else why would he be always trying to IM me, text me or call, right? Maybe old habits die hard). What I want is an apology from him for putting me through the pain and giving up on us. But we hardly get the things we want, right?

 

Till then, I will concentrate on myself (I have been and truly I do feel a lot better than 5 months ago when the relationship came crashing down). In a way, I am glad I don't have to put up with the s**t the relationship was going through. Maybe it's all a blessing in disguise.

 

And like all ex-es, I can't help but wonder if he misses me as much as I do. And if the relationship or even me meant anything at all. He does get very upset when I don't call him or act coldly towards him now. But this is the path he chose, so he should live with it and accept it. Yes, I am trying to make him realise what he has lost - a great relationship with a wonderful person who cares a whole lot.

[friscodj]

shuz-

 

Sounds like you're on the right track, keeping yourself busy and surrounding yourself with a solid support system of friends.

 

As far as the emotional roller coaster you speak of (e.g., one day is good, the next bad), that is normal. You just have to ride it out and eventually the ride comes to an end...but like a roller coaster, expect to get scared and sick along the way...

 

I believe everyone suffers in a breakup. There is no "winner". It's like nuclear war, and some people just have more shelter when the fallout hits...

 

And you hit the nail on the head, "a blessing in disguise." Just think, you guys could have kept things afloat and gotten married, had children, owned property together, etc. and the situation would have been a lot worse for reasons in addition to the additional time you spent together to get more attached to each other.

 

As far as your last paragraph, the place you will eventually reach is one where you don't care about answering whether he cares or not, or realizes what he lost. I hope you'll take what you've learned from this relationship and be the same great (and even better) partner to the next amazingly lucky guy...