So now what?

[lifeistough]

I have another lengthy post HERE : But in an attempt to summarise:

 

I was with my ex girlfriend for just under 3 years, relationship was very healthy and happy but it eventually went stale - my fault, not giving her enough attention, she broke it off. She had a brief fling with another guy 3 days after breaking up with me. She decided she still wanted me and we got back together a couple of months after that for a couple of weeks, things were swell and she sent me texts etc saying she wants us to be together forever. I found out about the other guy and got annoyed that she was with someone else so soon after the breakup, and I get blinded by irrational emotion and go nuts and tell her where to go (29th Dec). Over next few days she begged me to 'forgive' her and her mum phoned me asking the same.

 

I then decide I was stupid and I want her back (early January). But now she doesn't want me back. Her parents and brother want us to get back together, I do not know what her friends are telling her. She is claiming to be "going nuts" and is seeing a therapist once a week who has put her on anti depressants. She said she doesn't want to see me until she can 'get herself together'. Therapist has advised her not to see me until she can pull herself together and "get her confidence back". On 3rd january she invited me for dinner, I expected to get back together but we ate and talked a bit and she basically said she doesn't want to get back together at the moment. Over the past two weeks she texted me occasionally, and spoke on MSN to me asking me how I am but not much more. I have not mentioned anything about the relationship out of respect for her wishes. I saw her and talked to her on the 13th in a bar (by coincidence), she was with friends, one of whom could have been the guy she had that fling with but I didn't ask as she seemed very on edge. She wished me a happy birthday via text on 14th Jan, but I didn't see her. I haven't heard from her since. I think she is getting back with, or falling for, the other guy.

 

So. Am I doing the right thing by giving her space? Should I mention how I feel at all? I have been completely neutral towards her with regards to expressing my feelings, and have only spoken to her in polite conversation. But I WANT her back. But, probably not if she is now with this other guy. I think she is obligated to tell me if she is with him, right? After all I am left hanging, spending every moment of solitude analysing everything (which I know is not good but it has to happen sometimes) and wracking my brains over what the hell is going on.

 

If you have read this far, then thank you very much, and please advise me if possible. ](*,)

[curlygirl47]

This is the best advice I can give. Get the book "How to Get Your Lover Back." It isn't what you think --- there is nothing underhanded and overly manipulating about it. It's just good, practical advice on how to love 100% and get a lover to come back to you and establish a love-bond that lasts. It's written by Blaise Harris, a PhD who practiced his own strategies to get his lover back after she had left him for someone else. He is also a counselor who has seen these strategies work for many other people for whom he has recommended the plan. Sometimes it takes about two months to see anything happening, so we have to slow down and not get in a hurry. Anyway, get the book --- I promise it will help you mentally, even if you never do get your lover back.

[lifeistough]

thanks. But I decided not to get the book. The only way I have been able to deal with the pain is by not thinking about her and distracting myself.

 

I'm bumping this thread, cause i'm still in the same situation - I hope someone can advise me.

 

She sent me this email on the 18th Jan: (Sorry to quote the entire thing, but I think its all important)

 

i just want you to know i am sorry for everything i have ever put you through. You are the most amazing person and deserve to be treated far better than i ever did. I hate the thought of you thinking that you made all the mistakes believe me all i remember is us happy and me being happy with you, it was me who messed up. I cant get over it, inside the guilt is slowing killing me.

 

Im sorry for sending you this, i just want you to know i do still think of you but i cant bear to see you, it makes me hate myself. All i can say is im so glad that i had you in my life and can look back and smile, even if it hurts knowing what i have lost its better i had you once than not at all.

 

I'm sorry for all the pain i put you through, im sorry for eveything. I'll never forgive myself.

 

Im not who i used to be anymore. I just dont seem to be finding my way in life. I hope one day i can be alright again. Its not all because of whats happened between us but home as well. i feel i only have half a heart and no mind.

 

I hope you dont hate me. I sit in dazes thinking how much you must hate me, it hurts but nothing more than i deserve. im not looking for sympathy, dont think i am, just need you to know i am sorry, so sorry i truly am.

 

 

 

--------------

 

and I replied a couple of days later, basically saying I don't hate her, I do not blame her or resent what she did, and I also implied that I think we should get back together.

 

I saw her Friday night in a local bar, and we just said hello as I walked past. Normally she'll come over and chat for a minute or two, but this time she didnt, but I didn't either.

 

Another point is that one of my friends (female) talks to my ex on the phone, they spoke last week and my ex told the friend that she still loves me. But if that is true then why does she not have me then??

 

She doesn't even log on MSN to talk anymore.

 

Please advise me. I am close to writing her an email tonight, but I don't know if it's a good idea. I am CLUELESS as to what I should do next.

[lifeistough]

guys, if anyone has read this and has any thoughts on what I should do, please post them

 

She is signed in on msn, set to away mode, but I know she is there sometimes... I really want to say something sometimes. I just don't know what. I don't want to screw this up again, I don't want to give up on her.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, first of all it seems she actually cheated on you, and what's worse, she didn't tell you immediately.

I fear she is not confused but using that excuse to spend time with the other guy and see if it works. It might be true she's feeling a lot of guilt for cheating on you and possibly can't see a way of make the relationship work again.

Whatever the situation is better if you do NC, I don't know if this girl is being sincere but while actions start talking loud for her I suggest you to do nothing.

Friends saying things on her behalf is not a good thing, only two people should be involved when trying to see where things are heading.

Don't login to MSN, don't phone, don't talk to her, let her do the next move, meanwhile ask yourself what you want, if this girl can still give you that, and most of all, give time to yourself.

Good Luck.

[lifeistough]

Hi, thanks for replying.

 

First of all, I do not think she cheated on me while we were together. Perhaps we are using different interpretations of the word 'cheating', but I would be my life that nothing physical occurred between them before she dumped me.

 

I also fear that it's a big excuse to spend time with the other guy. But I am not certain.

 

Whatever the situation is better if you do NC

 

Are you sure this is the best thing to do? What if her email was sincere, and all I need to do is prove I 'forgive' her and we can work things out? (Though I doubt that is whats happening, just an example). I have had NC with her for 2 weeks now. I spoke to a mate the other day and he said him and one of her friends were talking about us, and they think that if I don't talk to her soon, I won't ever get her back. But if she still wants me, and isn't seeing this other guy, then why did she not respond to my email?

 

Is anyone else reading? Is NC the right way to go?

[lifeistough]

Well, I messaged her on MSN just now, and I am very glad I did.

 

I finally have ultimate closure of this prolonged nightmare.

 

She kept telling me to move on, and that things would never work. Fine, but why couldn't she just tell me that instead of leaving me hanging for so long? Also she is indeed seeing that other guy, I can tell, although for some reason she wouldn't say so. So complete NC from now on.

 

So right now I feel relieved, things can only get better and I no longer suffer from HOPE. But man, am I * * * *ing HURTING

[stolenshadow]

I have to apologize because I made a mistake when I said your ex had cheated, I got confused and it's true it wasn't cheating.

 

Now, I'm sorry to hear the outcome wasn't the one you wanted, things will still be hard even if you think you got the right closure, you must be strong and focus now on doing things that will make you feel good again.