Menopause or Midlife Crisis or what?

[worriedman]

Hello all,

 

It seems my wife has at last talked to a friend, I don't think she has talked about her feelings etc, but the friend is going through the menopause and my wife thinks that she is too. She has made an appointment at the doctors to see if its true. I don't know too much about menopause except that my mum had a hysterectomy and this ruined my parents relationship, they still live together (they are in their 80s) but seldom speak to each other and have been like this for 30-odd years.

 

Could it be that the menopause is the reason behind my wife's mood swings and is driving her to want to leave the family?

 

We talked again last night and she is still saying that she is bored with our life and wants excitement etc. At the end of the conversation I told her that 2 years ago she really, really wanted a conservatory and that now we have had one for 2 years she couldn't care less about it and I pointed out that if she left us, in a couple of years time she might be bored with her new life and want to come back. She accepted that this might well be true. My final words were that she needed help, help that I can't really provide and she even seemed to accept that too. Whether she will do anything to get help or not I don't know. I'll keep you posted.

[crookster_man]

We have relationship councillors for a reason, there is no need for you both to suffer in silence. Seek help, that's what they are there for. Honestly she is going through the mid life crisis. She is feeling that this is her last chance to start fresh before she is to old to move on.

 

If you were able to spice up your relationship things would be different. Why don't you to start to do new things together? Join a curling team (that's what we do up here) Golf together, Ballroom dancing. These are all easy things that can bring the spark back.

 

The fact that you both are able to still communicate means that there is still hope. Relationships take work, I'm sure you know that. You didn't get to where you are by sitting down and letting things just 'fall into place'.

Everyone has crises and issues that may hurt their partner. The true test of a relationship is the ability to grow and bounce back from any hardship. Good luck.

[worriedman]

Hi,

 

Thanks for your reply, she is seeing the doctor today to see if it is the menopause, she has also told me that she is quite depressed. She still maintains that no amount of counselling can change the way she feels. How do I convince her she is wrong?

 

I'd love to start doing things together with my wife, but she insists that we've done everything and the new exciting stuff that she wants to do, she wants to do them with someone else.

 

I will keep trying, keep supporting her, keep giving her the space she needs. However, I think the biggest problem at the moment is my 15-year-old step-daughter. She has problems of her own (depression), receives regular counselling and is on prozac but she is quite aware what's going on with her mum, she even suspects that mum's having an afair (she isn't, she just sees a 29-year-old guy once a week - no emotional attachment, just sex - see my earlier postings). The problem is that she won't leave her mum alone, she constantly questions her and accuses her. If I can't stop this I fear that it will drive my wife away whatever happens to our relationship. I have talked to her and asked her to give her mum some space but she still does it.

 

There isn't much good news in this story at the moment is there?

[crookster_man]

Hmm you allow your wife to sleep around with some other guy? Well I understand it's only once a week so it's okay... WHAT? I had no idea you were in this situation. Your relationship has taken a very strange turn. Doesn't this anger you at all? Her behavior is akin to a 15 year old! It's deplorable!

 

Your wife is suffering from the "It's greener on the other side" syndrome. This has ended many good things. It maybe to late to salvage your relationship. You should be far more then worried!

 

Can you not see this situation for what it is? How can you honestly be satisfied with this situation? Do you have no self respect? My God man. Don't accept this treatment. Your wife is treating you like crap and openly cheating on you.

 

If you can live with that then sit back, but I never could. One last thing, your wife refuses to get help? That's complete BS. a counselor can help anyone, I think she has already made up her mind and she's just trying to pull away. You need to take a hard look in the mirror. Do you deserve no better?

[worriedman]

Andrew,

 

Here's my earlier posting to give you an explanation of the situation.

 

We've been together 13 years (12 married) and each have a daughter from previous spouses (her daughter lives with us, we rarely see mine) and 2 sons of our own. I'm 47 she's 43.

 

She has always said to me that she should never have had kids; her daughter was a dreadful mistake, which resulted in a short abusive marriage to the father. She also said that before we got together she had never been in a relationship for more than 3 or 4 years (mostly much shorter than that) and had always moved on to recapture the spark of new romance. I am sure (and she has confirmed this) that were it not for her being a single mother stuck in a rut at the time, our relationship would only have lasted a couple of months. But despite this dodgy beginning we were happy, she was happy with our life together – until a couple of years ago when our sex-life, which had always been great, took a dive. She said that we both needed new sexual partners as I wasn't satisfying her and she couldn't see how she was satisfying me.

 

Things started to happen last year on holiday, she got drunk one night and almost shagged an 18-year-old holiday courier. As a result of this we looked into swinging to try and get some other sexual partners but stay together, but we never actually did anything about it. All the talk and searching for Swingers Clubs on the internet etc, however, did serve to kick-start our sex-life and things were great again. However, it all started to go wrong again over the winter and she started looking for a female friend to go out to discos etc with (she is NOT bi-sexual). I have supported her in this, but she still hasn't found one – we don't have many friends because we were so happy being together as a family. Most of the people we know are parents of kids at school with our boys or in their football (soccer) teams and so are mostly 10 years younger than we are and they are still happily married, only wanting to socialise as couples. That's not what she is looking for.

 

Anyway in April (2003) I was a very stupid and registered for a sex-contacts web site and had a few e-mails. I'm sure nothing would have come of this; it was just a bit of fantasy on my part, although I did seriously think about using prostitutes because our sex life had ground completely to a halt and at the time I was feeling unloved and unwanted. She found out about the sex-contacts site and after the blazing row had subsided she registered on it herself and found a younger man (29) who was having sexual problems with his partner. Anyway she has being seeing him once a week for a couple of months, this was with my support. She insists that it's a simple sex-based relationship where they are both just using each other with no emotional attachment (I think this is true). However, it has reminded her strongly of all the feeling she has been missing for so long – I think this was my biggest mistake of all, although I'm sure she would have still done it without my agreement. I suppose I hoped that she would be grateful for the freedom and the excitement of it all and we would get closer together. This seemed to be the case for a while, but she seems to have got the taste now and wants more freedom and independence and has lost her remaining interest in me and the kids.

 

One night we talked and she told me that although she loves me, she is not in love with me; she does not find me sexually attractive any more. Its worth saying here that she is a very attractive woman with a lovely bubbly personality, slim and agile body and has been up to recently the model faithful wife and mother. On the other hand, I am an ordinary bloke, not handsome, not ugly; I don't have an athletic looking body. I have been totally faithful and devoted to her and always knew that if we were to part, it would be because she wanted someone new, not me.

 

She says that she wants to be happy again like she used to be, she thinks that I am very lucky that I still feel a lot of those nice early-romance feelings that she is missing and desperately wants to feel them again. She loves me and the kids but feels that if she stays and things stay the same she will probably end up resenting us because she is so unhappy. It seems she is prepared to give up everything to recapture that wonderfully alive feeling of loving someone new and being loved by them.

 

I think our case is different to the other Midlife Crisis cases I've read about, she does have another man but has no illusions about loving him or him loving her or him leaving his partner. So if and when she goes, she says she will go on her own and leave the area completely, cutting herself off from us in order to find a new life somewhere else. She doesn't want to stay with me while she finds someone. In all the cases I've read about, the other man/woman has already been on the scene, so is she right and this isn't MLC, its just her true self re-emerging after 13 years of lying dormant for the sake of our kids?

 

I know I must look like a right idiot, but I sincerely thought that seeing this guy would satisfy her feelings and make her realise what we had. I think this was my worst mistake. I think that if I try to stop this arrangement now, she will just leave.