am I being oppressive? or realistic?

[singingnotflying]

I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year. I'm 30, he's 27. We have a baby on the way. He calls me his wife, & that's what I'm called by everyone he knows. He's a very free spirit, & I don't want to hold him back. But I think there are common courtesies in a relationship... respect to be shown to a significant other, even if it doesn't make sense to you. Specifically what I mean is... he's a night owl. He works from 3-midnight, & then he goes to the bar. He's lived in this town for ages, & knows everyone, so he's allowed to stay at the bar past the time it closes. Either that, or he'll go to a friend's house after the bar. This is how most nights are, & so I should be used to it by now, right? Wrong. I still want him to call me & let me know what's up. Often he doesn't come home 'til around six in the morning. I know for a fact he's not cheating on me, but at the same time... it sometimes almost feels like I might as well be alone in this relationship because 1) he stays out for 6-10 hours past when he gets off of work & wouldn't get in touch most nights unless I called him, & 2) doesn't someone who claims they like & love you want to hang out with you more than a few hours a week? I mean, I know he's got a lot of friends in this town (& conversely, I'm new here & trying to make friends), but I see him as my best friend! Do friends treat each other this way? And even though I'm starting to fill my days with things to do, people to see... I still can't help feeling like I'm alone in this relationship. The problem I bring up in this long rant is he feels like he's just a strange man who's trying to be himself, trying to be honest with me about who that is, & that I'm asking too much from him. I honestly don't feel like I'm asking him to make a huge sacrifice by giving me a call... or by hanging out with me. We don't have much longer to hang out just the two of us without a baby to take care of too. It's just... show some common respect & love that seems due in a relationship. And what's he going to do with his social life once we have a baby? I wonder sometimes. Is he still going to act the bachelor as he is now? What do you think? Am I out of line? Just not understanding or giving him his space with these requests? Thanks for reading this.

[Itsok]

I don't think you are being out of line actually, but it seems that he enjoys living the bachelor life and may not quit once you have the baby.

 

I think you both expect different things out of a relationship, and that is something that should be addressed pronto considering you are supposed to have a child together.

 

You should have a talk about this now before the baby comes. If you moved to that town to be with him, how far away is your support system? Family, friends, etc? If he can't shape up and spend enough time with you to take care of a child, you might be better off moving someplace where you know you will be supported.

 

Good luck!

[singingnotflying]

I just wanted to add to my rant above that he's ecstatic to be a father too. In fact, sometimes when I've brought up not being able to stand this behavior anymore, he worries I'll wind up leaving & taking our baby with me. Yet he's still not compromising... whereas I feel I've come more than halfway. Thanks again.

[RayKay]

And what's he going to do with his social life once we have a baby? I wonder sometimes. Is he still going to act the bachelor as he is now?

 

Have you asked him? Because this probably WOULD be a good idea before the child comes along. Having a baby does change things...but it does not ALWAYS make people change their behaviours. I have seen many many times, where a new mom was left "alone" to raise the children while their partner's life went on as is.

 

I would not be accusing him of not being around for the baby, before that even happens, but just have an honest discussion - let him know your fears and talk through it. This should be something you can do as a couple, and you WILL need to be able to do as parents. I don't think he would get too offended if you do it right....my boyfriend and I have talked about this and we are not even ready to have kids yet (I am going back to school) and I know that he will be there to give me the "me time" I would need to - to run to the gym, or get some sleep - when we do have kids. These are things you need to talk about.

 

 

What do you think? Am I out of line? Just not understanding or giving him his space with these requests? Thanks for reading this.

 

I don't think it is out of line at all. If he works 3-12, then does not get home to 6, I assume the time he is home is spent sleeping. A relationship cannot survive on never seeing each other or having quality time. Unfortunately this is how many marriage breakdowns do occur. This would be like someone working 8-5, and then not getting home to 11 or 12 every night. It's not conducive to a very healthy relationship with your family at home - your partner, or your children.

 

And you are in a new town, without the support system from family and friends you may normally have.

 

You are going to be the mother of his baby, you have every right to want time, and to wonder how he sees his role as a father being in the future. Sure he should get some nights out, but it is not reasonable that he is out EVERY night. Many women do do it on their own, but you should not be when you are together.

 

And I do not think a phone call is out of the question either on his part to let you know he is going out.

 

What is your relationship like besides this....???

[singingnotflying]

Thanks for the above response. I need this outside clarity, if for nothing else, just to know I'm not crazy or clingy.

 

I actually am pretty far from my "support system." I'm in the southern part of the US, my parents are ten hours away by car, my friends are in the northeast & in the west parts of the country. Love brought me here to be with him (we met on the west coast, but he just can't seem to stay away from here for too long), but I'm starting to see that may have been a rash decision. I'm just trying to be happy anywhere I go, in any situation life gives me... you know, being zen. It's working for him, but not me though.

[RayKay]

Thanks for the above response. I need this outside clarity, if for nothing else, just to know I'm not crazy or clingy.

 

I actually am pretty far from my "support system." I'm in the southern part of the US, my parents are ten hours away by car, my friends are in the northeast & in the west parts of the country. Love brought me here to be with him (we met on the west coast, but he just can't seem to stay away from here for too long), but I'm starting to see that may have been a rash decision. I'm just trying to be happy anywhere I go, in any situation life gives me... you know, being zen. It's working for him, but not me though.

 

It's working for him....because it sounds like nothing has changed. Whereas for you it's changed your entire environment and life!

 

How long were you dating before you moved there?

 

Can I ask how old you both are as well?

[singingnotflying]

He has said not to doubt he'll be around more when baby is born. He says he's just living it up while he can. But the baby will be here in May. I believe he wants to remain true to his words, but I've also experienced him saying he'd call & then not calling enough times to keep questioning it. Yes, we wanted a baby together. But aside from that, we want to spend our lives together. And I agree with you... most nights he's out without me, & what kind of relationship is that? Sometimes he or I invite myself along, but what pregnant lady wants to go to a smokey bar all the time? I know he works to support us. But I just want to feel like he still likes me, & he doesn't think his current behavior is lacking that aspect or respect. Thanks again for your responses.

[singingnotflying]

I'm 30, he's 27. We knew each other for a year before that; were dating for about half that time. The thing is, tonight I asked him when he finally did come home if he's done this to his other significant others. He said no. Seems he didn't go to the bar quite so much back then. But when his life got in a rut, he turned to some folks at this Cheers-y type local bar who became like his saviors. I respect that entirely. He does try to include me in a lot of his life. This has just happened enough in the past five months for me to question now...

[lovecrazy]

You know I am kind of in the same boat as you are.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and half. And he is starting to understand the importance of calling me. He is trying, but last night again he failed to. I called him on it this morning, and he said he called me, but I cant find it in my phone records, so I am going to ask to see his tonight.

 

Basically what I am trying to say, you are not crazy. You feel alone, and you know what so did I. And sometimes I still feel alone. You made a lot of scarfices, by moving closer to be with him. So its only fair that he, stay at home with you more, or at least call you.

 

Maybe make a compromise, that he can go out but he needs to cut that time in half, and he has to call at least once when he gets off work, and tell you where he is going. In my eyes, its not you trying to be his mother, its you his "WIFE" worrying about him.

 

I mean how would he feel if the rolls were reversed?