getting back into the game

[DiscipleOfChange]

Well, after a brief yet well-needed hiatus, I'm going back into the "dating" world if you will. Basically, the past three nights, I've hung out with this girl I met. We have just basically played pool but usually three games or so. I do enjoy hanging out with her and she is cute. I haven't really made any moves because I've only recently started hanging out with her. We get along well and even though we don't talk a whole lot, I'm a relatively quiet person and she seems to be that way too.

Here's the thing: she hasn't mentioned a boyfriend yet but I can't tell if she's single or not. I have her IM and we chat occasionally. Winter break is coming up and I certainly need it to recharge and do some thinking. I don't want to move too fast because that has just proven too frustrating for me in the past. I will definitely continue to hang out with her and more than likely suggest us getting coffee when we come back from break.

What I'm asking from you all is: I know a girl doesn't necessarily have to mention having a boyfriend for that to be the case but would a girl generally mention a boyfriend if she had one?

[DiscipleOfChange]

yeah. Her facebook doesn't say either way. I'm going to play it chill for a while and just keep doing what I've been doing. If an opportunity presents itself to be a bit daring then I'll take it but I want to establish a level of friendship first in which we can comfortably hang out. I'll just wait and see. I'll try throwing in little compliments here and there. The best thing for me to do is be chill and not think too much. I seem to come off as my most interesting self when that's what I do. So as long as I do that mindfully, it should be cool, whatever happes

[atraceofblood]

hey disciple, if you don't mind me asking, how did you two meet?

[ShySoul]

Have you only known her for these 3 nights? Or has it been longer? I would think that if it was longer a boyfriend would have been mentioned in some way. And if she does, I wonder why she is spending all those nights with you and not him, never even having a brief phone call with him. It just seems to me that if you are in a relationship, that is something that will somehow work its way in there, even if its unintentional.

[PocoDiablo]

Here's my take on it. You probably already know what I am going to say!

 

Basically, the past three nights, I've hung out with this girl I met. We have just basically played pool but usually three games or so. I do enjoy hanging out with her and she is cute. I haven't really made any moves because I've only recently started hanging out with her. We get along well and even though we don't talk a whole lot

I think you are in a absolutely PERFECT position to ask her out to that coffee so you can get to know her better.

 

she hasn't mentioned a boyfriend yet but I can't tell if she's single or not.

If you ask her out on a date, you'll get that answer very quickly. However, the very fact that she has not brought it up means a few things, in my opinion. One, she may not think you're interested in her since you have not made a move, so there is no need to mention the boyfriend (assuming she has one.) Two, she probably does not have a boyfriend because ... um hello ... where is he when you are playing pool? Three, she has a boyfriend, but he's on the outs - they are broken up - and she is looking for you to ask her out. Why else would she be spending time with you, unless you're a professional pool player teacher her how to be a pool shark?

 

I have her IM and we chat occasionally.

I would advise that IM, email, phone, and SMS be used only to ask a woman on a date. It's a business-like form of communication, and not well suited for romantic issues. Messages can be mis-interpreted and that can be bad.

 

I don't want to move too fast because that has just proven too frustrating for me in the past. I will definitely continue to hang out with her and more than likely suggest us getting coffee when we come back from break.

So what happens if she has been waiting for you to ask her out, you don't, and she meets another guy? Are you okay with that? How is the chemistry with her? If you lose her is it no big deal? While I can understand wanting to take it slow, a woman who is interested in you may take it as an insult that you did not ask her out. After all, if you don't, she may think you feel she is ugly, dumb, too quiet/shy (as you mentioned), too fat, or whatever. I know that if a woman didn't give me attention, I thought there was something wrong with me... it goes both ways.

 

What I'm asking from you all is: I know a girl doesn't necessarily have to mention having a boyfriend for that to be the case but would a girl generally mention a boyfriend if she had one?

I find that only insecure people start talking about their SO's without being involved in an appropriate conversation. However, you clearly have spent some time now not knowing, and until you ask her you will never know.

 

Personally, I would rather ask and know then wonder and wonder and wonder ... etc. What's the harm? You like her? Ask her out. Everything can be answered quickly and easily - in my opinion.

 

Good luck, let us know how it works out.

[DiscipleOfChange]

Well, this afternoon we hung out again and then we walked to dinner together. After I walked her back to her dorm, I told her how much fun I had these past few days hanging out with her and that I hoped we'd hang out more in the Spring and grab a cup of coffee. To my "offer" she said "sounds good." It wasn't icredibly enthusiastic so I don't know. I have her SN so we can chat over break. At least now she knows I'm interested, if she didn't already. I'm just so tired and spent from this semester I don't know what to think anymore.

[PocoDiablo]

So you didn't ask her on a date, and she couldn't give you a yes.

 

I know why it was not enthusiastic - at least I would bet - she wanted you to ask her on a date and you didn't. You essentially turned her down. I mean, why else wouldn't you ask her out?

 

I would bet she actually thinks you're NOT interested. You knew you needed to make a move before break, she knew it, and yet you let it slip away.

 

Do you think that could be a possibility? If so, why not call her and ask her on a date?

[DiscipleOfChange]

I know women in general expect guys to make the moves but how do you learn to tell when a particular woman wants you to ask her out?

[ShySoul]

You don't learn. Different girls will have different ways of letting you know. Some won't make it clear at all. Others will practically throw it in your face. I think you need to just try to take in the feel of the situation and the vibe you get. Also, don't focus so much on her, but on you. Are you ready to ask her out? Are you comfortable? If you aren't, then you shouldn't be asking. If you are, then just say it when the time is right.

 

Why a guy doesn't ask? Not necessarily because they are turning the girl down. It's nerves and emotions. If you've gotten to know the girl, she can tell. Women are preceptive. They can tell when there's interest, even if the guy is hesitiant to say anything. They might get fustrated, but they understand.

 

Still, nothing to be alarmed about. You have her screen name. So use it. Talk up a storm with her. Feelings just may explode over the break. You never know.

[DiscipleOfChange]

I've been chatting with her on IM. I actually get her to "laugh" occasionally, which is nice. It's great that I have her SN so that I can chat with her regularly over break rather than have there be nothing for an entire month

[PocoDiablo]

I know women in general expect guys to make the moves but how do you learn to tell when a particular woman wants you to ask her out?

Unless you can read minds, you don't!

 

Look, there are some signals, but it's rare. You really just have to talk to her, see if you get along, and if you do ... ask. No big deal, really.

[Outcasted]

I know women in general expect guys to make the moves but how do you learn to tell when a particular woman wants you to ask her out?

 

 

Ha, if we could only read minds. In less you can get inside information.. or the girl is telling you she wants you.. then you will be with the 95% of us who don't know! You will have to take the RISK!

Trust me I tried to think of a million ways to see if a girl likes you without getting rejected.. and I never came up with any.

 

Just if your going to make a move.. do a simple move first like sitting next to her etc.. Don't get rejected going for a kiss.. that totally sucks.

 

Even if she has a boyfriend, who cares? Girls always drop guys for other guys.

[ShySoul]

You know from the feeling. When its clear, its clear. And it will be clear.

 

Even if she has a boyfriend, who cares? Girls always drop guys for other guys.

 

Tell that to all the faithful women who are married and would never and have never dropped their guy even in the face of temptation.

 

And do you really want to be a guy who takes other guys girls? If you did, what's do stop another guy from doing it to you?

[Dating Coach]

I'd have to agree. I'm not big on stealing other people's girls. If they want to be with you and they break up with the guy on her own, that's fine, but I would never pressure a girl into breaking up with a guy to get with myself unless I knew for sure she was in a very bad relationship that she needed to get out of regardless.

[ShySoul]

If the girl is with an abusive guy, you try to get her to leave that situation. But you don't try to get her with you. You give her time to recover and work out any feelings she might have. If she chooses you then, theres no problem taking her up on it. But you still have to be careful. You don't want her to feel like she is being pushed into something else after going through abuse, cause her emotionally state is already messed up and you don't want to run the risk of her thinking she moved into something else too fast.