My insecurities... after our 2 month mark!

[drbombay]

Hello all,

 

Long time reader, first time poster!

 

Anyhow -- I just finished having a very interesting conversation with my GF of over 2 months. Background: We met at the dog park, found out that we worked at the same place and then started dating a while after. She is a mom of 2 kids and I'm w/o any children of my own. I'm 31 and she's 32.

 

Dating someone at work is interesting to say the least... she is a nurse and her schedule isn't as flexible as mine so for the first month or so I was ok with the sudden change in lunch times and so forth (all part of the job). Suddenly after about 2 months I started feeling a bit insecure and staretd to express my "disappointment" in her running late, etc.

 

This "dissapoinment" and sometimes "irritation" would spread to other things that we would do and then she would suddenly change plans/break our routine. The straw that broke the camel's back was today when I got irritated when she invited one of her friends that she works with to have lunch with us. I wanted our lunch to be private (even though I never specificially stated as such) and when I walked her back to her workplace I told her that I was irritated and she said something to me in an angry tone and walked off.

 

We talked a little bit later and agreed to talk after work before she picked up the kids. After talking her into actually having the discussion (she wanted to wait until tomorrow because she was having a bad day, angry at me and pms'ing at the same time) she proceeded to tell me that I was starting to suffocate her and she was feeling guilty for breaking our routines every once in a while. In a moment of truth, I told her about my insecurities especially after the 2 month mark. You see sometimes I get a weird feeling (knot in the stomach) when my relationships reach the 2 month mark because most of my relationships never lasted longer than that.

 

What shocked me about the whole convo was that she correctly analyzed that while she was comfortable with out relationship transitioning from the euphoria stage to that plateau/contentment stage I wasn't and that was the source of my anxiety. I drilled it down to the fact that I have a hard time trusting people (especially women in my relationships)

 

Sorry for the length but I didn't have anyone else to talk to as most of my friends are either out of town or busy. I know she is correct in her analysis of things but I need some advice/encouragement as to what the next step for me should be. I'm glad that we had the conversation and it really opened my eyes. I know that she would't have done what she did if she didn't love me but I still fill a bit antsy.... Any help would be appreciated

 

DrBombay

[PocoDiablo]

If you're looking for feedback, here is what I have to offer:

 

Suddenly after about 2 months I started feeling a bit insecure and staretd to express my "disappointment" in her running late, etc.

So in the middle of the "game" you changed the rules. You also stopped being fun to hang out with, and turned into another one of her kids to take care of. If you didn't like this behavior, you never should have dated her from the start. You sent the message that you had no standards when you met her, which comes from a position of being desperate. No wonder she did not like that - you essentially lied and changed who you were. Tsk, tsk!

 

This "dissapoinment" and sometimes "irritation" would spread to other things that we would do and then she would suddenly change plans/break our routine.

It's the same issue, but like a disease it's spreading. It still has to do with yor personality flaw of changing the rules on her.

 

The straw that broke the camel's back was today when I got irritated when she invited one of her friends that she works with to have lunch with us. I wanted our lunch to be private (even though I never specificially stated as such) and when I walked her back to her workplace I told her that I was irritated and she said something to me in an angry tone and walked off.

You seem to get irritated a lot over seemingly little things? What's wrong with meeting new people? Why can't you be more flexible? However, if this was a GUY she invited, I would have been upset, too. You don't say, so I cannot speak to this really...

 

We talked a little bit later and agreed to talk after work before she picked up the kids. After talking her into actually having the discussion

Forcing her to have therapy with you... ugh. I would not date you. Why do guys always have to get so serious? Why do we think women like this? They don't, and never will. Save the serious talk for serious issues, but it seems like you're talking serious more often than not. She won't like that for long...

 

(she wanted to wait until tomorrow because she was having a bad day, angry at me and pms'ing at the same time) she proceeded to tell me that I was starting to suffocate her and she was feeling guilty for breaking our routines every once in a while.

Well, you may be suffocating her, but she is telling you that you are behaving like a child. You are chasing her too hard. You are not acting confident, cool, calm, collected, having fun, flirting, and making her happy to be with you. Talk is cheap, so to speak, but she IS trying to communicate to you that you are doing things WRONG.

 

In a moment of truth, I told her about my insecurities especially after the 2 month mark. You see sometimes I get a weird feeling (knot in the stomach) when my relationships reach the 2 month mark because most of my relationships never lasted longer than that.

Well yeah, it seems like you break down and become a basket case? Why in the world would she want another child to take care of. You, the man, are supposed to be the strong one, the provider, the protector. But you are falling apart in a moment of weakness not truth and basically telling her you cannot control yourself.

 

Look, no matter what, if you TELL someone you screw things up after two months, you better believe they are going to run! The crying male is disgusting to women.

 

What shocked me about the whole convo was that she correctly analyzed that while she was comfortable with out relationship transitioning from the euphoria stage to that plateau/contentment stage I wasn't and that was the source of my anxiety. I drilled it down to the fact that I have a hard time trusting people (especially women in my relationships)

First, stop making her your doctor. If you want therapy, go hire a therapist. If you dump this on your lover, you will quickly fall into a loveless relationship. Second, it's not that you don't trust people, it's that you turn them off, they get bored, and they dump you. It has nothing to do with them but everything to do with you. If all your relationships end after two months, and you've been dating different people, then that means the problem is the one thing that stays the same in each relationship - it's you and how you handle yourself. So, sorry to say, just like I was at 32 years old, it's time for you to figure out how to become a man.

 

I need some advice/encouragement as to what the next step for me should be. I'm glad that we had the conversation and it really opened my eyes. I know that she would't have done what she did if she didn't love me but I still fill a bit antsy.... Any help would be appreciated

 

DrBombay

In a nutshell, you need to go read these articles, and if you do it quickly you might be able to save your relationship.

 

link removed

 

This is the exact site that I stumbled accross when I would do the EXACT same thing as what you are possibly doing. I had failed relationship after failed relationship and never figured things out. After reading a lot of those articles (and buying the book thing; also check eBay for used ones cheap) I learned SO much about all the stupid mistakes I was making. It didn't take long to sort things out and now I am grateful for every mistake, because I was able to grow and mature.

 

You may also want to check out the movie "The Tao of Steve" - it's a nice insight to some things as well.

 

Good luck.