Relationships vs. Hooking Up

[Prufrock06]

I've found myself in a bit conflict as of late as to the whole question of relationships. Other than fooling around with a few friends during middle school (all under the umbrella of "experimentation"), I've never been in a relationship with another guy. Hell, I haven't even kissed another guy. Pretty pathetic, huh? But of course, like a lot of other people, I find myself yearning to be in a relationship and my fear is that other gay guys are only interested in hooking up. I don't have any conflicts with the idea of hooking up, I personally just don't have the emotional composition to fit in with that kind of culture (I've always believed that sex is something intimate, something to wait until after a few dates before enjoying) I fear sometimes that I'll be at a loss when it comes to dating and relationships because no one is interested in cuddling or romance or intimate interpersonal connections or anything that doesn't involve sex.

 

I realize that this is merely how my perceptions of homosexual culture have been shaped my popular culture, but sometimes I worry that my preference for relationships over hooking up will affect my "marketability" as a young gay guy. Does anyone else out there yearn for a deep, personal relationship instead of just a random hook-up? What are your opinions on relationships vs. hooking up (or in combination)? Is someone at a loss/gain because they value one over the other?

[brahman]

there are alot of guys out who would like you. the way you talk i bet there are even a few on this site who want to know more about you already. you have a passive sounding personality who would attract a dominating person.

[FoxLocke]

Prufrock, I long for a serious monogamous relationship.

 

That is why I was afraid of being gay for so long. The perception of young gay men is that all we do is: go clubbing, sleep around, listen to techno music, and drop Ectasy(or crystal meth)...So for awhile it was scary embracing homosexuality for the sheer fact that I was afraid that I was going to end up alone.

But I do want a romantic monogamous relationship. I want to know that the person I am with is going to be there for me emotionally and physically.

I want what Siegfried and Roy have! lol...Even though they are a total punchline line they've been together through everything, and I think that is so beautiful.

I am such a sensitive and romantic sap...lol

[Jinx]

I've never been in a relationship with another guy. Hell, I haven't even kissed another guy.

Same difference but for me, insert woman where guy reads. I've zilch in the same sex experience field other than flirting, rejection, and looking. Not much to write home about.

 

But of course, like a lot of other people, I find myself yearning to be in a relationship and my fear is that other gay guys are only interested in hooking up.

You know this is one of my major problems with out lesbian women here. Those are out like to go merry-go-round with their partners. They bounce from casual open relationships, to something serious, then out for rebound, then the off rebound relationship and what not. One reason I find no interest in them, their poor reputation for this I believe may be one reason no many women come out. They're looking for something more than a "however whatever whenever label".

 

As for the love and romance, that is a huge problem. Then again I see this often in straight relationships too. So many people base it on the sexual aspect. Personally, I'd rather be cuddling and kissing, sex comes later when you've got the relationship flat on its feet and you know you've put the time the effort and it actually means something more than a passing act.

 

If it severely hurts our marketability, guess we're not going to get sold in awhile, but when we do, it'll last a life time (at least thats how I'd like to look at it.) because we'll of found that one person whom has standards and morals which fit out own. Anything else is a quick fix for a relationship sadly enough. Aside of the gay community, considering the young world in general, its unfortunate how most of the other young adults don't value relationships. Actually seen a post on another section of eNotAlone which made a statement about young people just flinging the word Love around like an old toy. So many have lost the idea, and for us here which have posted our preferences for a romantic relationship instead of a one night stand or one year for sex deal, we're the ones who get hurt in the end.

 

Does anyone else out there yearn for a deep, personal relationship instead of just a random hook-up? What are your opinions on relationships vs. hooking up (or in combination)? Is someone at a loss/gain because they value one over the other?

Summed it up in a nutshell for me there,Prufrock,in your earlier statements.

 

FoxLocke's statement does too.

But I do want a romantic monogamous relationship. I want to know that the person I am with is going to be there for me emotionally and physically.

 

Love not Lust for me. Honestly as I've stated above, for us that value something above hook ups, even if we try it'll probably hurt. We'll go in trying to act casual as the other person, but end up with more feelings because its just our beliefs and nature and it ends up in heartbreak. Thats why I say, for a relationship to work, usually both need similar standards and morals or else we're going to have one major clash.

 

If I'm looking for romance in a relationship and life long commitment and the other person is more of a whatever happens, happens and I don't care much, we'll just see...Chances of forever? Slim to none. Unless somehow there is a major connection that develops where the slacking latter half takes over the same ideas of relationship perfection.

[Prufrock06]

brahman: Thanks for the compliment, I think. Although I'm not too keen on these relationship roles like dominant and passive because they remind me too much of traditional, outdated male-female roles (male being dominant, female being passive).

 

Thanks for your input, everyone. I guess I just get frustrated sometimes (like tonight, for instance) and lovesick and hung up on the idea that there are so few gay guys around my age interested in relationships that I wonder, why even bother? It's probably one of the main reasons (along with some of yours, Jinx and FoxLocke) that I stayed in the closet for so long: because I figured there's no way I could compete with a subculture that seemed so dependent on quick, emotionless sex.

 

For instance, one of the reasons I like this message board is because I feel I can talk about being gay and gay issues, etc. without having to descend into such rote topics like "name/age/position/length" or other such message board topics that seemed more geared toward sex instead of relationships. When I was surfing the internet searching for a message board that dealt with issues that I was concerned about, all I could seem to come accross were forums and posts and posters with nothing but c**k on the brain. And I guess to some extent I understand that this emphasis on sex is a result of cultural repression, but I guess I'm just not into the politics of being gay so much that I feel the need to relate on that level. I guess I feel like finding someone to love, someone who loves me -- in other words, finding a soulmate -- is more important than this philosophy of "sex for sex's sake." It's gotten to the point where I even tire of porn because it seems so emotionless -- lately the "money shots" for me have been scenes of kissing or sweet-talking or cuddling instead of anything more traditional and graphic.

 

God, I'm such a romantic, lovesick sap! ;-)

[KIDD]

That's what I want. I want more than a hook-up for sex. I'm not the type of person to go around messing with a bunch of men. I want a serious relationship but it seems people don't want that these days. I've tried meeting & talking to other guys on the internet, but all they have is sex on the brain.I've yet to come accross a guy that would like something more..

[brahman]

yeah you do kinda get shorted on the relationship thing, cause even though im not gay, guys are notorius for not wanting relationships, im sure it is just as true for gay guys.

[novaseeker]

I also do not care for flings, I don't have the emotional sturdiness for it.

 

Try not to hang out with folks who are like that and into the whole club scene and so forth. Try to find someone like you who is interested in a relationship and not just sex. They are out there, but often not in the 'typical gay scene', unfortunately.

[UT]

A lot of the people around here prefer a mature and lasting relationship including me. We long for something greater than a "Liebesabenteuer." (Translation: Love adventure)

We want something more, someone we can be with and not only for the night but for a longer period of time if not for life. We all have, in general, the same fears. What if we don't find someone who wants the same? What if we're not good-looking enough to find someone interested in us? And so on. I think about this a lot and always try to find confidence in statistics. Although this does not often work it does sometimes.

 

Either there are a lot of homosexuals out there who wants this or this place has a certain ability to get these few to gather. What I suggest is that those who feel ready gets active in some kind of HBT-group (HBT - Homo-, Bi- and Transsexual). I'm thinking about doing just that. But I know not everyone has that possibility. Some of you have very strict religious backgrounds and others live in societies where homosexuality is still not accepted. I want to offer my condolences to those who are in those situations. But that is a good reason to take a stand. Fight for what is right. Fight for your right to be who you are.

 

According to the UN convention about human rights everyone has the right to a good life no matter what sexual identity they have. Using slurs about someone’s sexuality is as bad as using racial slurs. As gay, bisexual or transsexual you have the same right to a safe and secure environment as any other person. I think this is something to give all you got to.

 

I'm probably luckier than some others because Sweden is a very open country, secularized and sexual education is a priority (well, education, in general, is a priority). although we have some (if not a lot) sexual education it is very centered on heterosexuality and homosexuality is merely mentioned and we still have some books in biology still referring to homosexuality as something abnormal (since 1944 it hasn't been anything abnormal or weird about homosexuality according to the law). However we do have a lot of narrow-minded people just like in many other countries.

 

Okay, now I'm going too far off topic. Sorry

[Prufrock06]

I do belong to one of the GLBT groups at the campus where I attend graduate school. I joined during the middle of the fall semester after I started coming out to some of my friends. I also joined a GLBT support group at the campus health center and it's been a great help in dealing with particular issues I have as well as learning how other of my peers deal with their own sets of problems.

 

I guess I'm more concerned with the process of meeting gay guys, not just as as friends or networking but more with the intention of dating and starting a relationship. I'm going to be graduating this May and will be out in the "real world" (whatever that means) so I guess this is why this issue is of some concern to me now. I'm not really a mainstay of the bar/club scene although I would eventually like go occasionally to have a good time, or if I was on a date -- but not to find someone to hook up with. I've never been to a gay club or a gay bar and I guess in a sense I'm intimidated by these environments for the feeling I get that they stress hooking up as opposed to meeting people and/or having a fun time.

 

So I wonder where us non-hook-uppers would gravitate to if clubs and bars aren't necessarily our primary watering hole? It seems like if you're not in an environment that's exclusively designated for gay people, then it becomes difficult to meet gay people outside that environment. I, for one, don't want to feel like I have to go to certain "gay-only" environments to meet other guys. I dunno, maybe that's the wrong attitude to have?

[FoxLocke]

I wish all of us on enotalone could meet up and date each other! lol.

 

It sucks that I can't find any likeminded guys where I am...But alas, I shall not "go gently into that good night." (Dylan Thomas)