ISSUE.. for people who care to read my life story

[angelika]

Sorry this is long but I'm new and I just felt like typing this out to see if anybody would listen.

 

I know everyone's views are different, but I just need a little input. I'm a 20 year old female with a serious long distance boyfriend of two years. I love him to death.... he's a 23 year old virgin, and he wants to have sex with me. The only problem is.... basically, I'm stuck in the past and I know I shouldn't be. When I was 14/15, I fell into "love" a little too fast and was pressured into having sex with my very controlling 19 year old boyfriend at the time. Our relationship lasted two years on and off, and it was strictly like a phone/sex relationship because I only saw him on rare occasions when he borrowed his friend's car... And the fact that he was four years older than me (and my first boyfriend...man he was a loser), I kept it from everybody. We only had sex a total of 4 or 5 times that I can even count...because I never wanted to. (If you even want to call it that)....All it was to me was excruciating pain....yet I was too naive to tell him to stop. I was young and wasn't ready at all. I was alone and felt that my everything had been taken away from me, but I had no one to tell.... To this day, my family still doesn't know my secret. I felt ashamed and I still do. Its just really hard to even think about it sometimes... and all the emotional crap that I went through.

 

So ever since I ended it with him in 2001 for good, I have not had sex.... and I haven't even had an urge to have sex. Of course I think about it and all but yeah.... I guess the past turned me away from even trying it again. I'm pretty sure he cheated on me because I could never give him what he truly wanted, which was someone to **** his brains out. I kinda started telling myself that I was like a "born again virgin" but I knew my innocence had been lost forever... to someone when I look back, that I didn't even love, which was supposed to be the most important thing to me.

 

Sometimes I feel that my current boyfriend doesn't truly understand what I went through...he just makes it seem like its SO easy to get over... I guess thats my problem. Maybe I'm just scared....scared of both physical and emotional pain, scared of the consequences, scared that my boyfriend will turn into a nympho like my ex, whatever else. To be honest, my ex boyfriend refused to wear a condom, and I feel that I should prob go get checked out just incase... thats another thing that has been on my shoulders for a long time. Its hard to just get up and go to the doc and be worryfree. I know that I'm ready, I'm just not ready to deal with all the extra emotional baggage that goes along with being sexually active....and being in a long distance relationship as well. I don't want it to be us having sex everytime we see eachother and thats it...ya know, see ya in three weeks!

 

When I think about it, perhaps the reason why I was in soooo much pain in the past was because I didn't truly love this guy and I knew I was way too young to be doing that stuff....especially when we weren't having protected sex. (constantly paranoid) So, I'm just hoping that it will be totally different when I do decide to do it again!?!?!??!!? I know he wants to sometime soon because I'm not sure how long he will wait...

I don't know what it is with guys, but why the hell do you need to prove to other men that you're a "real" man when you lose your virginity?!

 

Am I making sense....am I totally out of line for feeling this way or does anybody understand me at all? Maybe I just read way too much into it... sometimes I wish I could just erase my memory from four years ago like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. blah... any input would be appreciated.

AHHHHHH Thanks so much for listening!

[titan]

after reading your post i was tempted well lets just say not to be nice if you read my story.

 

But after reading it again perhaps you should explain your fear to him, tell him you dun wanna it to be sex when u see each other and then cya in three weeks.

 

It could also be the only way he feels he can express himself to you, as i stated the best thing to do would be to chat with him and it will soon be apparent what he really is after.

[angelika]

after reading your post i was tempted well lets just say not to be nice if you read my story.

 

But after reading it again perhaps you should explain your fear to him, tell him you dun wanna it to be sex when u see each other and then cya in three weeks.

 

It could also be the only way he feels he can express himself to you, as i stated the best thing to do would be to chat with him and it will soon be apparent what he really is after.

 

sorry, not sure if i totally understood that first statement you made... you mean you were tempted to just pass up my post and not help me out or what? lol thanks, i know communication is prolly the most imptant thing... and im positive hes not only after sex if thats what you mean. otherwise, he wouldn't have stuck around for the past two years.

[titan]

nah after what happened to me regarding my ex i feel less sympathetic towards those who have sex then say i wasn't ready and pressured into it cause no one had a gun to your head it was a decision u made, but thats not the issue.

 

So if you know he is not after sex and are in love with him and know that he feels the same way, sex should be looked at as an expression of that love??

[Jeffe]

Talk to him about it. Tell him why you feel the way you feel, and what you are worried about. If he truly cares, he will respect your decisions whatever they may be. What you said in your post about your feelings is probably something he needs to hear.

 

For immature guys, sex is a status issue - but I don't really understand why. There's nothing that needs to be 'proved' if there are sincere feelings and love in the relationship.

[CharLit]

titan, I just read a summary of what happened with your ex in a post of yours, and I'm really sorry you were hurt like that, but it seems a little unfair to me that you would judge everyone based on what happened to you...

 

In this case, for starters, Angelika was in a relationship with the guy she had sex with for years, and extremely young at the time. The "gun" to her head was fear of losing him. It's terrible how easily some people will abuse your fear of losing them, and incredible how much power that gives them over you - I imagine Angelika's 'boyfriend' was well aware that she didn't like sex since she never wanted it.

 

She describes sex as nothing but 'excruciating pain' - it wasn't some little fling she had and now regrets. It was a deeply traumatic experience to her, bordering on rape in my opinion - If she sleeps with her boyfriend just because "sex should be looked at as an expression of that love??" she'd basically have to go through the experience of having sex when she isn't sure she's ready to again.

 

Angelika, what happened to you when you were 14/15 was a horrible, horrible experience that no-one should have to go through, and I'm so sorry it happened to you. Please don't think that you are in any way to blame!! i really do think that what your boyfriend did to you was abusive.

 

I know it must be terrifying to go and get yourself checked out for STI's, but as you know yourself, it really is the wise thing to do. Chances are huge that you're fine - just imagine the relief when you know that for sure! It might help to go with someone to get checked: do you have any close friends you could talk to about this, who could come with you to the clinic, and maybe even get tested at the same time?

 

As far as sex hurting goes: for many women, it hurts the first few times, not only the very first. However, if you're having sex against your will, it will pretty much always hurt whether it's your first time or your 1000th (because you're not lubricated and your muscles are tensed), so it's very possible that that's why it continued to hurt with your ex - and it's quite likely that it will hurt again if you have sex when you're not ready for it with your current boyfriend.

 

like the others have said and you yourself agree, it's vital that you talk to him and that he understands how hard this is for you: I think your post makes that perfectly clear, so maybe you could let him read that? (possibly editing out the bit about guys needing to prove themselves)

 

Once you are ready, sex between people who love each other can be a wonderful thing- you might want to do it as much as he does and want to rip his clothes off the moment he walks throught the door if you haven't seen him for three weeks! of what happened to you you seem to see sex as a kind of chore that you have to perform purely because he wants it. Try to start seeing it as something beautiful for you to share and enjoy with one another, and get him to help you to see it that way. i don't know how much you two have done sexually, but build it up slowly - there's loads of things you can do without having full sex. Find out what you enjoy, and wait until you are really really really comfortable with it and him.

 

Take care hon!

[angelika]

Thanks so much Charlit.... I appreciate your understanding words and advice.

As for titan, i'm not sure what your situation was with your ex so I can't really say anything about that. I am well aware that a gun wasn't held to my head...but unless you were in my position, I guess you'll never know. As Charlit said, fear of losing him was a major part of it. I wasn't trying to ask for pity... just some input.

[titan]

Yes i know its unfair but unfortunately its how it is for me for the moment, i am trying to change but it will take time, it really didn't mean to sound that harsh or rude.

 

First time sex for girls always hurts for a few times is what i am told, isn't this true???

 

I understand what your saying about having sex when she isn't ready, but isn't she or is it fear, i cannot answer for her.

 

As for borderline rape, i think that is an unfair comment for many reason but mainly with situations like this there is two sides to the story and we both dun know how she felt about it the time.