I'm too old for this crap. Friend/girlfriend stuff.

[thinkstoomuch]

My girlfriend is a girl who I knew for a long, long time before we started dating. Since 5th grade. We were best friends who "took it to the next level", and everything is going great. Except one thing.

 

This girl dated one of my good friends a few years ago. It was a complicated mess of a relationship, where my best friend was cheating on his girlfriend (who is now his wife) with her and keeping the whole ordeal a secret from me. A mess.

 

Anyway, forgive and forget and all that stuff. It's in the past... I did stupid things when I was 19 and 20 too. Can't fault 'em for that. They've remained friends to this day, which never really bothered me until I started dating her.

 

And now it bothers the *mod edit* outta me.

 

To make it clear, I don't think she's holding a torch for this guy or anything like that. We were all 3 good friends until the big annoucement that she and I were an item now. The guy friend was uncomfortable with it from the start and has pretty much stopped being my friend since I told him about her and I. However, he seems even more interested in my girlfriend as a friend since I told him we were dating.

 

He insists on nights alone with her. Again, nothing shady is going on and I have complete trust and confidence in that. He says he just needs to talk to her alone. That's fine every once in a while, I'm not the jealous type. But once a week is too much. He calls her almost every night. He tells her things he would never tell me. Since we've been dating, he never wants to hang around with all 3 of us at the same time, and he never seems to want to hang around with me at all.

 

This seems like a friggin' high school game, and I'm having trouble where I fit into the picture as well as where my girlfriend does. Would it be unreasonable to ask her to start distancing herself from him? What do you think is going on?

[sparticuss]

I don't know whats going on but I do know that if he tell her stuff that he would never tell you then he's not your friend. Just hers.

[FCTex]

I dont think it's unreasonable to tell her about how uncomfortable you are with the situation.

 

Make sure you get it accross in a way that shows your not jealous or angry with it. Just that your finding it very odd and somewhat uncomfortable that he's demanding so much time of her lately, without any cause for it.

[thinkstoomuch]

I don't know whats going on but I do know that if he tell her stuff that he would never tell you then he's not your friend. Just hers.

Exactly, which really bothers me. I've known this guy 11 years now and have been good friends with him. I was best man in his wedding. But since she and I have been dating, POOF, he's gone. I'm wondering if, even though he's married, he has a hard time watching an ex of his date another guy, especially a friend of his.

 

Make sure you get it accross in a way that shows your not jealous or angry with it. Just that your finding it very odd and somewhat uncomfortable that he's demanding so much time of her lately, without any cause for it.

Could this come back to bite me in the *mod edit* though? It's a big statement to make... suggesting that her relationship with a friend of her is weirding me out.

[spiderman_56]

Well , it's kinda obvious that the guy friend still wants your girl and since you and your girl are going out , it just makes her more attractive to him ..

ever heard about wanting what you can't have ?!

 

I think you should hold your ground, making it crystal clear that you do not want him messing with your gf and as a FRIEND he should step back for the respect he owes you as friend and to your gf to make it very clear that the overly friendly attitude do not please you and you wish to have it refrain and on more platonic grounds.

 

You can't control people relationships but you can control most of the situations you get urself in , if your guy friend cannot understand your point of view break the friendship and make it clear to your gf that you do not want to hear any word of him and do not want her to mention his name or anything related to him whatsover in your presense.

Eventually it's gonna come to who she wants to keep , you or her .

 

I do not think this is a drastic way of handling things but if ur guts tell u it smells fishy then it's most likely to be the case and to me that whole situation is some real disrespecting and bs-ing

[smallworld]

Wow... you were his best man??? Some friend!

 

I think it's more like to bite you in the "asterik" if you don't speak up and work this out with her. Show her this post or just explain it as you have here - That you trust her and you don't believe anything is going on, but his insistence on being alone with her really bothers you. (It's one thing if you were occasionally invited along, but to be deliberately excluded is troubling.) If she loves you (and I'm sure she does) she'll work with you to find a compromise that's acceptable to you both. As important as friendships are, you are the man who holds her heart captive. I'm sure she would never want to do anything that would damage your relationship. Give her a chance to fix this one!

[lovecrazy]

I am sorry that you are going through this....

 

Is she actually going to see him in person? if so where? time of meeting?

 

If you are uncomfortable with them talking to much express some feelings to both of them!

[Dating Coach]

This is wrong and your girlfriend should be respecting your feelings. I know that you all were close friends but this guy has a romantic interest in her and because of that, there is no way she should be going to spend *alone* time with him. He is romantically interested in her!!!! The fact that she is doing this, whether you trust her or not, is hugely disrespectful to you and you have every right to say that you don't want this happening. You should tell her this. If she has got a problem with it then explain to her that she wouldn't like it either if you went to spend *alone* time with a ex girlfriend that was seriously crushing on you again. Besides, this loser is freaking married!!!!

 

This whole situation is bad and it's headed for worse. You seriously need to put a foot down. This is wrong and this so-called friend of yours is a total pr!ck.

[sparticuss]

By the way.

Old?????????

Old is grey hair on your kids.

[thinkstoomuch]

Well, a short (or maybe long) update. I was waiting for a good time to address this subject, and the time came up yesterday. We had plans to go bowling and then out for hot wings and pizza afterwards. I called to confirm what time I'd be picking her up, and she told me she'd drive herself because she was skipping hot wings/pizza in favor of cleaning her house. I asked why she didn't already clean since she had the whole day off, and she told me she spent the day Christmas shopping then went out and had some drinks with the guy in question.

 

I told her 1. skipping plans was lame, 2. skipping plans to hang out with this guy was lamer, and 3. I was pissed. At bowling she changed her mind and told me she'd join me for hot wings/pizza. I told her I didn't want her there because I'd feel like I guilted her into it. She went home.

 

I called her on my way home and we got into a big "thing" about priorities and etc. I'd been ditched at least 5 times in the past 2 weeks for minor things that were really no one's fault, so they didn't upset me. But now, I felt like she "owed" me to follow through with plans after breaking so many, good excuses or not. "She just wasn't thinking", she told me. I told her thinking it through and planning is a part of arranging your priorities. It wasn't fair that she prioritized this friend over planning through to make it to our pre-scheduled plans.

 

She apologized, and said I was right, and said she would try to make it more clear to me where her priorities were. I replied, kind of harshly, "you've done a really good job of telling me where your priorities are, to be honest. Maybe we both need to rethink what both of our priorities are." That seemed to upset her a whole lot.

 

Anyway, we're kind of on the outs now, I guess. Not exactly what I hoped would happen, but its better than being a doormat.

[Dating Coach]

I think you did the right thing by making it clear what was wrong and standing your ground. When she apologized I don't think you should have continued the barrage because (as far as I know) this is the first time you seriously confronted her about this. If she was making an effort to correct things then give her this chance.

 

I say that you should call her up, say you don't want to end things with her, but you will if this kind of disrespect continues because you would never put her through this, and neither should she you. Tell her you are willing to forgive and move past this but it will not happen again.

[thinkstoomuch]

This is actually the second time we've had the "you put everyone before me" talk. I didn't mean my comment as an attack... I meant it literally, although it probably came out sounding a little harsh unfortunately.

 

She can tell me all day long that I'm her numero uno, ace in the hole, absolutely perfect guy, but unless she demonstrates it to me it doesn't mean a whole lot that she said it. That's all I meant by what I said, and I think she understands that.

 

I talked to her again today, and I told her that unfortunately I had to take some time out to think about "us", re-evaluate, and figure things out. I'm also going to be kind of "backing away" slowly, meaning to treat the relationship a bit more casually like she is rather than as seriously as I was taking it before. Not as malicious or teaching her a lesson or anything silly like that, but to save myself from getting in over my head and getting hurt. I just don't want to take "us" into a place she isn't comfortable going... letting her do the leading.

 

I love the hell out of her, though, which is what makes this so hard. She told me the problem was hers to fix, and I told her I didn't think there was necessarily a "problem", just a difference of opinion. She told me she was making it her mission to prove me wrong. We'll see.

[Dating Coach]

I think you are handling things pretty well. Good job in standing up for yourself.

[PocoDiablo]

Actions speak louder than words.

 

If she really cared for you, in my opinion, she would spend ZERO time with another man, let alone a man she had history with. But to have drinks with him?!?!?!?!?

 

Wow.

 

Me, being too old for that kind of crap, I'd tell her something like "I understand you value your relationship with [name] however the time you spend with him is disrespectful to me, makes me look like a fool, and I will not tolerate it. Period. That does not mean you cannot spend time with him, however it does mean that if you do spend ANY more time with him and I am not present (this includes private phone calls or email) you can quite frankly expect to never see me again. I will not tolerate being made a fool of under any circumstances."

 

If she did see him again, I would simply pack up all her stuff and mail it to his house. Period. She'd be gone.

 

One warning.

 

She is, in my opinion, using you. She has two sucker males who are spending double the time and attention on her, and she is in complete control. That does not bode well for you, as the man of the house, that she does not respect you enough to understand who she needs to please. She's not spending one second thinking about you, and - in my opinion - she is leaving open the opportunity for you to dump her. Otherwise, you're a doormat.

 

A doormat - just like I was in my marriage for 11 years.

 

Been there, done that. I hope you can think about it and determine if you are being used or not, and make an adult decision based on the evidence - not the words.

 

You're handling it well - being a gentleman - but a word of advice... YOU should be in control. Do not allow another person to make your life decisions for you.

[thinkstoomuch]

Poco- I do appreciate your response, but its kind of out of line.

 

She and this guy are friends. They have been for years. Yes, they have a history that I'm not 100% comfortable with, but I also trust them both enough to know there's no cheating going on. I don't entirely understand their relationship, but its not my duty to.

 

I also don't think she's using me. I do think she's taking me for granted and ignoring me because she thinks I'll be the most understanding of the crowd she has other plans with. To be honest with ya, she's a bigger doormat than I am, always trying to please everyone and scared to say "no" to anyone. Unfortunately, in my eagerness to show her that its sometimes okay to say "no" to people, she says "no" to me way more often than to anyone else.

 

Anyway, since our "talk" about her priorities and putting time with this guy in front of time with me, she's let herself into my house to clean it up while I was at work, cooked me dinner, and bought me a surprise humidifier for my room when I complained about it being so dry it was giving me a sore throat. I can tell she feels bad about making me feel the way she did and she's trying to make it up to me. She's a wonderful girl... I'm lucky to have her.

 

Still, I am uncomfortable with her spending time with this guy. That doesn't mean she never can or that she's not allowed to talk to him on the phone... let's not get carried away. But no more "secret alone time" with just the 2 of them while they go out of their way to not let me know about it. That's taking it too far.