he contacted me, did i do the right thing?

[peterrabbit]

could do with some advice here.

 

My ex (we were together for a rather intense 3 months where we saw each other a lot) broke up with me about 2.5 months back saying that he had a lot of issues to sort out (he was also really busy at work), the first month i was calling/emailing him once a week then he got really nasty during my last call and said with a lot of finality that we were totally over and some other really mean things. So we got off the phone, and one hour later he texts me asking if i got home okay and saying good night, but i don't respond to that because really, he'd made himself really clear that he didn't want to be with me anymore.

 

So i didn't contact him at all for 3 weeks, and i heard in the last of the 3 weeks that he had gone on vacation to Bangkok. I didn't know who he had gone with, and I can tell you hearing that he was no longer busy at work and was off on vacation without me made me feel really terrible. But it also helped me realise that we were really over. Sort of a finality to it, you know? But I saw him on AIM during the time he was in Bangkok, and he IMed me saying 'hey there'. I didn't know whether i should respond, or how i should respond so i spent about 10 minutes being undecided and then logged off. (We've never blocked each other so I see him online all the time and him me... just that since the break up we haven't spoken at all on it). I've also bumped into his best friend almost every other week at different bars and places, but never into him.

 

I figured that would be it... but 5 days later (i.e. yesterday evening) his best friend text messages me that it's his (the friend's birthday) and they would be celebrating at this bar and the table booked is under my ex's name. A minute later I get a message from my ex forwarding the text from his best friend... only he's added the words "From X" (i.e. the best friend).

 

Of course I spend a lot of time wondering whether I should go (my best friend offers to go with me to 'face my demon' so to speak) but in the end I decide not to, and I text his best friend to say I won't be able to make it but I'll make it up to him when I get back from NY (i'll be leaving on Thursday for two weeks to NY to get admitted to the bar).

 

My ex knows I'm going to NY in December but just doesn't know when.

 

I'm just wondering whether I did the right thing. I do want him back, despite the mean and hurtful things he's said/done, but I want him to be committed to making things work, and frankly he's not done much to warrant me breaking NC. But I feel maybe the text and IM were a way of reaching out to me, and maybe he'll give up thinking that it's too difficult since I haven't responded. I'm not sure really how to proceed from here, especially since i'll be going away for 2 weeks.

 

Or maybe i'm just thinking too much and he does really just want to be friends, and nothing more.

 

What do you guys think? how should I play it from here? did i do the right thing in not going to the party? i do really want him back because we had such a connection - we both felt it was different. But circumstances and timing... always killers.

 

i'd appreciate any advice... thanks!

[michelemybell]

It sounds like he's testing the waters with you. It does not guarantee he wants to resume a relationship, but who knows.

 

I know you miss your ex, but is it worth it to be with a guy who (in your own words) did "mean and hurtful things"? I dont think a guy like that is worth it. You may be willing to work on things, but he may not think there is a problem and wont feel the need to change. And who wants a relationship (and a guy) who needs to be fixed?

 

I think you did the right thing to not go to the party. You can take a chance, but you might be setting yourself for more heartache and troubles with this guy.

[peterrabbit]

Well... during the relationship he was okay. It was just that he got really stressed at work and the fact that there were a lot of constraints on his time, and he felt he couldn't handle a relationship because of all this. Then when he made up his mind to break it off and asked for space and he was stressed and distracted all the time was when he got mean.

 

Sigh.... it's so difficult.

[Wimpy]

Think you definitely did the right thing....delete him from your contact list on AIM so you won't see him on line and vice versa.

 

Why waste your time on someone who was mean and hurtful?

 

Just because he had a load of stuff going on doesn't give him an excuse. It's only at those times that we see people for who they REALLY are and to be honest why settle for less than what you're worth?

 

I say stick with NC - not to get him back but to heal yourself and get to a point where you're ready to move on.

[michelemybell]

He is showing his true nature to you. When the going gets tough, he acts like an idiot. RED FLAG! You need a guy you can count on all the time!! Sure, we all get in bad moods but not where we break up with someone and disapear, or be downright mean to them. Can you imagine if you were married to someone who did that? (I know plenty of women who did and they are miserable!) Can you imagine if you had kids together, and he got so stressed he walked out on you BECAUSE HE COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE? (I have known guys who've done that). When you are dating, you gotta keep your eyes on these types of behavior because a leopard doesn't change his spots. He may have traits you really like, but you have to look at his overall character and how he behaves NOW. In my book, I would not trust this guy, and I would seek out someone who doesn't put you on an emotional rollercoaster.

[peterrabbit]

I know you're all right about that thanks a lot for the advice.

 

My head knows you're all giving really sound advice... it's my stupid heart that seems to have no logic whatsoever... still longs (a bit) to be with him.

 

Heh victoria beckham has this song with a chorus which goes "my heart's got a mind of its own, won't listen to a word i say, doesn't it know that I get hurt too, when it acts that way" !! I think it's rather apt

 

Thanks once again... i shall listen to all of you and continue ignoring him.