Thanksgiving and I fought with my mom

[venus777]

I'm 26 years old, left my parents home when I was 17. Had problems with my parents as a kid, they were staunch catholics, believed sex out of marriage was a sin, condoms are bad and so is masturbation... my father was controlling and emotionally and at times physically abusive, my mom diagnosed as pchizophrenic after I was born, I don't know how much the diagnosis really sticks now, she is just on prozac. Anyways, I decided to call my mom to say Happy Thanksgiving (even though I think thanksgiving is a fraudulent holiday based on historical lies, I do still believe it's an important time to be with family)

So... I started telling her about an event I am working on regarding HIV/AIDS. I work in the healthcare field, so I do know quite a bit about STD's and HIV, but when I was a kid my parents never discussed sex really, other than the sperm meets the egg and things. It took me a long time to shake all the guilt about being bad for enjoying sex... anyhow, I'm quite a bit liberal in terms of such things, more so than your average person I'm quite sure, but STILL, I think most people are more liberal than my republican catholic parents. Anyhow, I mentioned to her how 20% of african americans have HIV and how it's growing in other populations as well and that some of it is the lack of acceptance of the use of condoms (one of several factors). Oops, well, I could hear it in her voice, the judgment, I said, I know you didn't think it was right for condoms or masturbation and all that, but you HAVE to open up communication to prevent disease, Abstinance only works if you aren't having sex and then one time you don't use it it's 0% effective. We ended up arguing, she said people are sinners that have sex outside of a commited relationship, I got heated about it and said she was judging them, she said she was only judging them if she said they were going to hell (but believe you me, when I was a kid she outlined in detail different kinds of sins, some mortal, that you would go to hell or pergatory for). So... I was frustrated, cause I meant for it to just be a quick friendly check in and it turned into an argument. I said I loved her but had to go to dinner with a friend (true) and she said o.k.

My friend was sort of unsupportive of me, she said my mom has a right to her opinions. True, but it's partly because they didn't teach about such things that my sister got an std that will never go away, not that I can tell them about that... And I had lots of unprotected sex when I first started having sex because they wouldn't let me get educated, even at school and I could have got HIV or got pregnant or something, I was lucky. it's frustrating cause I can't tell my mom anything about myself without feeling like I'm being judged. I can't stand it at all.

Agh. Any suggestions on what to do?????

[Serendipity1607307077]

To be honest I have never had this problem - my mother was brought up in the same environment as you, although her parents are no longer as strict Catholics as they used to be.

 

Mum had always said to me that it was my choice as to whether I wanted to go to church or even believe in God, and she would support me anyway.. so I guess I was lucky in that regard..

 

I think lots of people have experimented with sex and had different partners and whatever, and who knows? Your parents may have even had a 'naughty' life once and decided to become really strict Catholic to protect you, either that or make themselves feel better.. I mean, everyone is entitled to opinion and entitled to believe in God... but to be judged for your work and judged for the things you do (which, mind you, aren't anyone's business but yours!) is just silly...

 

And it seems like you can't talk any sense out of yoru parents either...I think it's really something that they are going to have to change. Regardless of what you have done in the past or what you are doing now, you are still their child, and they should be supportive and understanding of you, even if they don't really like what you are doing...

[smallworld]

*Hugs* Venus. I didn't grow up within a religious family, but I know what it's like to have parents who are very adamant about their beliefs. I used to get upset over our differences, but in time I learned that it's much easier to accept the idea that they have a right to their beliefs and that they're not likely to ever change.

 

Every time I came to them hoping that things would be different, I was only setting myself up for more needless disagreement and heartache. The only people we can truly ever change are ourselves, so that's what I did. I changed the way I relate to my parents. I've learned to accept them as they are and deliberately avoid touchy topics of conversation as much as possible.

 

I know it's hard to bite your tongue especially considering how their beliefs have negatively impacted you and your sister. But think of it this way, if your parents hadn't been so close minded about birth control and masturbation, you may not have become the consummate health professional you are today.

 

As for your parents judging you or the community that you work with, that's their problem. You know the truth and you're making a huge difference every day. Perhaps your parents true legacy to you is that they inadvertantly taught you just how important communication and education truly are.

 

Kudos!