Trying to balance the scale of getting back together

[butterflycloud]

I have been divorced for almost a year now. The ex wants to come back now- he says that I am what he really wants and tha he has changed- he used to be verbally abusive and very critical of both myself and my son (4 yrs).

 

Due to lonliness and insecurities I have been entertaining this idea and we have been spending tome together. Yet every time I am with him he says or does things that bring back all that anxiety and hurt back for me- I hear things that made me divorce him over. He says that he has changed- but if he is still saying those things then has he really changed?

 

I feel trapped- I know that we will never work yet when he sends me messages telling me that I am his everything there is a part of me that wants him back and I even think that perhaps we can be together again. Yet in the back of my mind is a voice shouting that we cannot be together and that he will never change.

 

He tells me that in order for us to work we need to comprimise- But I will not comprimise on issues regarding my son. The ex is soooo hard on my son- the child is actually afraid of him, I am the one that tries to provide the best for my son while the ex thinks that my son doesnt 'deserve it'.

 

What is making me hold on to an illusion. Is the ex just manipulating me by sending me nice messages. Does the ex just want to come back for selfish reasons??( I have a house and money and he is up to his eyes in debt).Why cant I let him go?

 

Please help as Im sure that I am confusing me son and myself more and more every day!

[Beaker78]

Hmm well its a tough decision to make for u.

Have you tried to talk to him about the way u feel regarding everything and how you feel about getting back together.

have u even tried counseling i know u aint together but it might help u guys move forward slighty

[butterflycloud]

WE were married for 4 years and probably went to about 7 different counselors- yet everything always went back to how it used to be.

 

I did talk to him and I told him that I wasnt sure if I wanted to come back- I told him that I needed a trial period but he keeps on pressurising me to make a decision. Yet in my heart I know that the decision is that I cannot be with him- I know that he says that he'll change but it may only be temporary and I cant risk the ' maybies' with my son.

 

How do I get over the feeling of wanting to be with him. To be honest I enjoy him 'sucking' up to me, which I know is wrong, but Im lonely and to have someone want you is really nice.

 

How do I empower myself to tolerate the lonely weekends and not spend time with the ex?

 

I also need to be fair to him and his feelings- I dont want us to get back together but yet I want to spend time with him- is that normal?

[sonjam]

Hi Girl, me again!

 

Butterflycloud, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS..

 

He will never change, especially not after, as you said, you've seen countless therapists, and he reverted to his own self each time. He will keep trying to impress you with nice words, until he's back in the driver seat. Then the (verbal) abuse will start all over again. For yourself and the sake of your child, DON't go back!

 

There are countless things you can do to keep yourself busy over weekends, and going back to the EX is not one of them!!

 

Re-reading your posts, you already anwered your own question. YOU KNOW you should not go back, don't let him bully you into doing it.

 

If he's keeping up appearances with you, I have to tell you, there is no fooling a child. Their instincts is raw and it is all they trust. Your son is right to be affraid of him, ans so should you.

[butterflycloud]

Thanks Sonjam! Always greatful to hear from you.

 

I will trust my instincts, but how do I stop falling for all his h kind words. He tells me that I am his everything and that he loves me so much blah blah- and I guess that some part of me wants to believe that he really wants me back.

 

Lately I have had such an overwhelming need to be wated by him- is that normal. Gosh, I feel like Im going backwards, erasing all my post divorce progress.

 

Guess that there is aslo a part of me that is soo afraid to let him go andmove on- which is selfish I know.

 

What am I doing wrong- how do I catch the inevitable 'wake-up'?

[sonjam]

Nobody can do it for you, but ..

 

remind yourself of all the horrible things he said to you, it will take FOREVER to erase that with the FAKE nice things he's telling you now. BE SUSPICIOUS, believe that he has a motive and he doesn't mean what he tells you.

 

I'm always for fixing a relationship, especially when there are kids involved IF the relationship is essensially a good one, and the parners deserve each other, and it's best for the child. THIS RELATIONSHIP IS NOT ONE OF THOSE!!

 

Hey, I know I'm standing on the outside, and looking in only on what you want to share with us, but having followed your story and progress (and regress) I believe you deserve a better life, a new life, and a good husband. You devorced this guy for a reason. It did not change, why fall for his stories now? I've been through the same thing, made the same mistakes, I know it 's heard, but you have to try!

[butterflycloud]

You are right as is everybody else- they all tell me that he has alternative motives for being nice- all selfish I suppose.

 

Thank -you for what you said about my child knowing the truth about his dad- I never thought of it like that. Just the other day I asked my son if his dad should come and live with us again and my son said that he didnt want his dad to come back but rather to stay in his 'new house'.

 

I just have to try and put my ego aside and try to see through the ex's deception- his selfish deception to get what he wants- just a pretty trophy by his side, just a money tree, just someone else to surpress.

 

Thank-you Sonjam, you really made me think!!

[sonjam]

Keeping Busy, that will help with the (lack of) feeling good. Joing a few activities where you will be able to meet fresh new friends, and do interesting things. It's always nice to meet other people at kids activity classes, swimming lessons, but if you are not into meeting and making other parent friends, join a mosaic class, or other crafts, if you are not into that, well join a reading circle, I know it sound nerdish, but you have no idea how much fun they can have, drinking wine, chatting they have a BALL!

 

I belong to an all girls circle, we get toghether once a month, at a different venue/house/whatever and do interesting things. We go on night drives a the zoo, we have facial evenings, we visit orpahanages and collect donations, to buy the kids new duvets, curtains and xmas gifts, bikes and take them on picknics. Doing these things will broaden your horisons in meeting new and interesting people, and get you involved in other things, than wanting to listen to all the stories the ex has to say, because you have nothing better to do.

 

It's very easy going back to ex's they know which buttons to push to get us to feel wanted/ NEEDED or guilty. BUT IT IS NOT always the best thing for us. We know this in our hearts, but we have real difficulty in letting go!

[butterflycloud]

I know that I need to get out more, and I used to before the ex wanted me back.

 

But I sat quietly last night and thought about all the 'nice' things that he says to me and as I analysed them I realised how manipulative those words really are.

 

Also what you said ,Sonjam,spiraled in my head- the ex may be able to fool me but he cant fool my son. And I watched him sleeping last night and I know that I never want him to be hurt by his father ie- His dad must NEVER come back- their distant relationship will suffice.

 

Sonjam- did you ever try to get back together with the ex?

[sonjam]

Get back with the ex??

 

Not the one I divorced, no. He cheated on me 3 x during our marraige, the first two times I forgave him, but the 3rd? NO way!

 

I packed my bags and got outa there. I went on holiday with friends, not telling anybody where I would be, but somehow he got wind of it, followed me all the way to the coast, found me amongst thousands of holday makers (in december) and got on his knees, and pleaded, cried and begged. Everyone watching must have thought I was a heartless horrid woman, but I blankly refused. He left... and a month later his new girlfriend were living in our house with him, my stuff not even moved out yet.

 

I bumped into him a few years back, my bf and I were having xmas day drinks at the local restaurant/pub, he was sitting there with a few guys, when the guys left, he got up, introduced himself to the table of girls sitting behind us, and sat down. This was 11 o' clock on xmas eve. I know he was still married to the new girl then, so - same tricks different victim (wife).

 

I also had a very abusive bf after this guy, he did what your ex is doing now, he would be horrible to me, and then be prince charming the next day. Soon enough you will learn to spot them from a mile... guys like that.

 

enough about me, I would really like to help in any way I can. I have a little girl of 20 months, and know exactly how you feel. It helps ven if it is just talking about it now and then.

[butterflycloud]

Gosh Sonjam, you have had a lot to go through!

 

Isnt it funny how they treat you like rubbish and are the horrified that you wouldnt want to take them back when they cry like babies!

 

Well the ex came over last night to see our son and he could feel my vibe. It is starnge- I want him to come over but when he is there all that he does is irritate me and I end up wishing he would go home. He was aslo nasty to Matt( my son).

 

Part of me is hanging on to him ( I think) because Im afraid that I may make the wrong decision to let him go- What if I let him go and I refret it. It also bugs me that he will be with someone else- childish I know.

 

He said something last night that really hurt- He told me that he had taken our son to the zoo with friends of ours and that he had taken a 'friend' with him. He says that she means nothing but he cant seem to stop talking about how beautiful her body is and that she only weight 45KG. I guess he is telling me to hurt me and to make me launch myself into a crash diet to compete with her.

 

When the ex and I werent together I was so happy all tht time- I felt good about how I looked, I went out and I laughed a lot. Now I find myself deperately trying to lose weight as he told me that my figure befor the baby was perfect and now it is imperfect, I find myself anxious all the time and my general disposition quite moody.

 

What can I do to break the attachement to him and to really let him go?? What should I say to him and how do I free myself?

[sonjam]

The biggest drawback to letting go of ex's is FEAR. Being affraid to make the wrong decision, affraid to be alone, affraid for the future. The only way you will break this bad cycle is to FEEL THE FEAR, AND DO IT ANYWAY. Start trusting yourself again Butterflycloud, stop letting him manipulate you with his words. He has a hold on you, and you will have to break free, and the only way you can do this, is if WHAT HE TELLS YOU DOESN';T MATTER ANYMORE. If he talks about his friend with the beautifull body, you have to say..."whatever" and talk about something else. If he thinks your body is not perfect anymore, tell him the trade was worth it, ..."I now have a BEATIFULL baby boy, who I love with all my heart, who I gladly traded my body for, and I will never regret it!.... besides other men still find me attractive, so I don't have a problem with the way I look."

 

That ex of yours is really verbally abusing you, isn't he?

 

Girl you got to get out more, meet new people, and start living your own life.... a little bit at a time, and you will see the letting go of the fear will work itself out.

 

YOU are not making a mistake by letting him go, it will be a mistake to let him stay. Nothing's changed, you will go back to the same old rut you were in before, and in another 2 years you will still be in exactly the same situation you are in now, with more years of abuse, and older, and your child with more emotional scars..or do you really really believe it will be better in the future with this guy??

 

In my opinion the only reason you think you still want him, is because he's manipulating you into thinking so. He's a real smooth fish!

[butterflycloud]

You are right that I have to trust myself- I know that we shouldnt be together- as you said it is just the fear attached to letting go.

 

I love your comment about trading my body for a beautiful child! Ill use it next time he throws that in my face!!

 

Many people tell me that he is manipulating me through nice words, I just cant believe that he could be that intelligent- but it is the only explanation as to why he is sucking up to me now.

 

Sometimes it is hard to trust myself- I seem to doubt all my decisions and his manipulation doesnt make things easier.

 

Suppose subconsciously Im also afraid of getting involved with soemone else- there are so many questions that I have- Will they like my son, how will they handle tantrums, the bunny park, will they understand that I cant go out all the time.

 

You have a child- how do you cope with these sort of questions?

[Beaker78]

Have u ever thought that maybe he just wants u in his life again as a partner instead of trying to be manipulative

what i mean by that is that so many people are to quick to make judgements on one side of a story (yours) but only you can tell if he is being a jerk or is really trying to be genuine i mean the only person really that u can listen to is yourself and how you feel deep down!

I aint telling you to go either way because only you can make that decision for yourself but from a male point of view (and someone who has split up with his ex for 3 mths) if i was in his position and thought that i had a chance i would be doing everything i could to get her back. Dont look at his words as being manipulative because if you look at it that way for one nice thing he says as being manipulative then you will look at it for all.

[butterflycloud]

I hear what you are saying. His words, I assume, are being manipulative because dont actions speak louder than words?

 

He has said that he would change and his messages to me seemed to indicate that but when we are together he says the same old abusive things to me and my son, he hasnt sorted out his money issues and he hasnt grown up either- still drinking like a fool with his buddies!

 

As I said to Sonjam I know that we are no good for each other but it's alsmost as if I would rather 'be with him' that face the fear of breaking away- he seems to have me hypnotised with the nice things that he says, but unfortunately the actions are not there.

 

Read some of my posts- they give more insight into my relationship.

 

I guess that I have a fear of not really knowing if his words are sincere or not, but I suppose that if the actions arent there then the words dont count.

 

You would think that if he loved me as much as he said he does he would never say, for example, that my body is now 'imperfecr' since I had our child.

 

Thanks for the help- really appreciate it!

[sonjam]

My advice about dating if you have a child is this:

 

Don't disrupt your childs life too much, date when it's dads weekend, or get a good babysitter over weekends. Don't introduce every guy you meet to your child, wait awhile until you are sure it's either going to become a good friendship, or a new love. ONLY then introduce. Else you will only confuse the little guy.

 

You will be SURPRISED how accepting, and loving other men can be with your child. Just because they don't have their own, doesn't mean they hate all kids, or moms with kids!!

 

Don't let it hold you back, it is not a weight around your ankle, if they (guys) don't like it, then they are simply NOT GOOD ENOUGH to share your time.

 

As for me, I'm married again, my husband is hardly ever home as he is working in Dark Africa alot, so I'm not dating.... But I do go out with friends, and have a good social life, a large circle of friends, and I do a lot of activities, with my baby, and without her.

 

In principle this is the same, I built up a good support structure for myself, otherwise I would have been so lonely, I might even consider cheating

 

hehehe... no I would never, I know how it hurts the other person.

 

Don't be scared to go out and live your life, soon you will be looking back and say "what the ##@#$% was I thinking!!!

[butterflycloud]

Thanks for the great advice Sonjam. I know that ifthey dont like my son then they are OUT!

 

How is your marriage going, have you managed to nit bring old feelings into your new relationship?

[sonjam]

Yes, but here's the story (part 1)

 

My Abusive boyfriend (we lived together for 2 years) started to add violent actions to his abusive words. I loved him dearly, and kept on making excuses for his behaviour, he actually really loves me, it's not because he hates me, it's his mother, the way he was raised, outside pressures, etc. This sounded very rational to me, since he always cried, and pleaded for my forgiveness, and he was such a sweet charming guy!! He had the world at his feet just by smiling at somoene. The violence did not happen often, but when it did he almost killed me!!!

 

The last time I decided to leave him, he reacted violently, and I got the police in. He moved out to his parents house, and they sent him to coucilling, and got him on medication. He stayed away for 2 x weeks, but kept on calling, crying and pleading.

 

I took him back, again. (sound familiar??)

 

He was a reformed man, reading his bible, being nice to his child (from a previous marraige) focussing on work, not out partying with the buddies all the time.....

 

It lasted for about 3 months. Then slowly I saw his old ways returning. He went out the saturday night, and only returned the sunday morning, didn't answer his phone, and was nowhere to be found. I was frantic with worry, when he eventually pitched up - he was partying with buddies. I decided to just tell him I was worried, not to go overboard, and I told him he made me sad. That's it. He appologised, told me it's nothing, and we had a visit from my brother that night. Of course, being mister personality, by the time my brother left sunday night he told me "now that's a nice guy..."

 

If only they knew!. Anyway, the next day he left for work on his bike, and had a fatal accident. I was devastated. We lived together, worked together (from home) and he had me removed from everyone (very jealous) so far, that I felt alone and deserted.

[sonjam]

Part 2

 

Ok so now Im single all of a sudden, and lost. 6 months prior to this one of my bf's buddies who just go married 8 months ago, who's wife was 6 months pregnant, lost his wife in a car crash. He was good friends with my bf, but never the kind of guy I would go for, if I were single. You see, he was not the addictive kind. I was drawn to the kind of man with problems, I thought with me it would be different, I could show them what a real relationship was like. Typical miss fit-it.

 

This guy had nothing wrong with him, so I had nothing to try and fix.... - No Attraction.

 

Because we were in the same circle of friends, we started having coffee together, to talk about our loss, to help each other with the grieving process, it was the one thing we had in common, that nobody else had gone through, or understood. (my old friends, by the way, pitched up in hordes, and stood by my like you cannot believe!!

 

Eventually after a few months we stared being invited together, since we were both single, and male and female, friends and always going to the same functions.

 

We got to know each other pretty well, and eventually fell in love, got married and had a baby!. In the beginning I felt very uncomfortable in the relationship, because my old ways didn't work, or was not needed. He's a very well balanced guy, no violent tendences, no over the top behaviour, pleasant, placid and just plain GOOD. I was not used to good guys, I always end up with the bad guys, so I was suspicious of every word he said, everything he did, I kept on reading books like "ditch that jerk" and other self help books about abusive partners, looking for the old familiar "traits" that identifies people like them. I didn't find any.

 

I eventually settled into the relationship, and started finding my old self again, gaining new confidence in my post-pregnancy body (the ex would have had a fit if I put on a few pounds) my husband loves me just the way I am and would NEVER ever say anything to hurt my feelings.

 

for the first time now I know what a normal relationship is like, to have trust in my partner, to know he accepts me just the way I am, he thinks I am a terrific mother to our little girl, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

But I had to walk a long and hard road in relationships to find this. I didn't choose this (if I had i would have probably been stuck again, with a horrible person in need of fixing

 

BUT I have to say, if I took the time before meeting Steven (my hubby) to find myself before diving into a new relationship, I would have also broken the vicious cycle.

 

I think that's where you are now, you have to break the cycle.

[butterflycloud]

Sometimes very hard things have to happen, which we dont realise at the time, in order for new and more wonderful doors to be opened.

 

Of course though it is soo hard to realsie this at the time. You had a soul lesson to learn with the abusive ex, and perhaps you have learnt it because you now have been given the gift of a beautiful relationship.

 

Strange how, that if you dont fully learn a lesson from your experience/ relationship, then you keep on attracting the same type of lesson- in the form of an abusive relationship.

 

Im studying metaphysics and Ive learnt that everyone has soul contract with each other. ie - two souls make a 'contract' with one another to teach each other certain lesson to develop their souls further- once the lessons have been taught then the contract ends and the two peole move on to other contracts.

 

It sounds as if you and Steven have a life long contract- to teach each other love and unconditional acceptance.

 

I wish you two the best of luck!

[sonjam]

do you think you still have a contract with your ex to learn something? What is there that you can learn from him more, than what you have not already learned during your previous relationship?

[butterflycloud]

Well I think that I obviously havnt learnt what Ive needed to because I havnt been able to let go yet.

 

Or perhaps I have learnt a lot but not yet how to let go. If you have your numerology done in depth you will find out what soul issues you have choosen this lifetime.

 

My issues that I have choosen are fear and power. All my relationships have surrounded those two issues. With my ex I was afraid to take my power back ie- tell him to go to hell or that I didnt like what he was doing, and fear- of letting go, being alone, being rejected, fear of the unknown.

 

So in my current situation I am still trying to grasp my fear issue- fear of letting go.

[sonjam]

I must have been in your "future" too, because a few posts back (not knowing what you told me now) I told you to "feel the fear, and do it anyway!!

 

Eeeerie!!

[butterflycloud]

It is eerie

 

But Im so glad that you take the time to chat to me- I really appreciate your advice.

 

So what do you think that I should say to the edx- I need to tell him that we cant be together but I dont want to do it in an ugly way becasue he is very vindictive and Im afraid the he will start with his 'custody' threats again

[sonjam]

Aww, it's always nice to make a new friend!!

 

About the ex *sigh*

 

You know, it's never easy, but being direct is the best way, BUT do it in a non-confrontational way, sit down, say you had a lot of time to think, and you think its best for everyone, - NEVER accuse, or use the "you this or you that" thing, refer only to YOURSELF - Use I statements. If it starts to heat up, tell him you are not interested in a shouting match, you will talk to him again once he cools off, in an adult way, no raising of voices etc, you are not interested in that anymore, you are tired of it, and want to carry on with your life.

 

But you can only do this once you have decided this in your own mind, FIRMLY. Don't leave any doors open. ... we tend to do that, because the minute you leave a backdoor open, they think there's hope, and then they don't stop.

 

We can reherse if you want, we can decide on what to say, work it all out, so you have something prepared. It harly ever works out exactly like we plan, but at least you won't be going "to battle" without any weapons.

 

Anticipate his responses to your statements, and work on calm reactions in advance.