sometimes i think im losing my mind.

[teacup]

well okay.....this all sounds really dirty and sordid. and i hope everyone will forgive me for talking about this. but it is bothering the hell out of me. i certainly dont feel good.

 

i was in an abusive relationship for 6 years. i was going quite crazy in it. he was so neglectful and mean and hurtful. i didnt know any better. i felt like i was a bad person and i didnt know that guys treated women better than that. he was emotionally cold and unavailable and cruel. he hurt me so much.

 

during that time, sometimes i would chat with men on the internet to take away the pangs of loneliness. i was horribly confused, lonely and trying to fill a void in me. i actually met up with one of the guys...he saw me naked. but we did not have sex of any kind (thank god). he actually ditched me at a movie theater late at night and disappeared completely. crazy right?? another guy...i had phone sex with. i didnt even want to, but i did it anyways. now i look back and i think.....wow, i was so out of this world, completely out of balance and completely crazy. i think back and i would never ever do that again. i find it so insane and dirty. but my mind was totally messed up.

 

then.....after a year and half of getting away from the abusive relationship. i met a guy who was very hot and attractive. i knew he was a bad person but i made excuses. i knew he wasnt any good for me. but i excused it. we ended up fooling around a few times. he never wanted to be seen with me in public. he sweet talked me and pressured me. i ended up giving him a blowjob a couple times. i suspect him of being an abuser....i know he is the type that lies, cheat, has no morals. once again, i fell back into old patterns of not respecting or caring about myself. i feel ashamed. i feel dirty. i cant believe myself. at least we didnt have sex, but he bounced out of my life and i hope i never see him ever again. he was pushing for sex but i didnt want to. i thought he was hot so we made out but it went further than i ever wanted it to go. he even fingered me a few times and saw me naked. sighhhhhh. this is horrible.

 

then i met this current guy, i really like him. but he is backing off. i think i turned on the sexual heat too much. he likes prim and proper girls. i feel like mabe i am not good enough. im so off balance.

 

i went on two dates with his work friend who i made out with (just kissing and him running his hands on my body) for about an hour. i think if he knew about this he would never want to see me again. and he is backing off too.

 

i feel like such a gross, dirty, bad person. if i could go back and do it all again, i would never do any of these things. i was always the type that wanted to wait until marriage...but i got forced twice. once, i lost my virginity to my ex ex who was a mean jerk. he pushed and forced me and i cried and cried and cried. then he got angry and accused me of "ruining" it. i didnt have any respect for myself. i didnt know any better.

 

another time....i didnt mean to have sex with this other guy.....but i was teasing him and asked him to "put it in". and he said "it's already in." i was like what the hell?????? apparently it was so small and tiny that it was in and i couldnt feel anything, it was like nothing was there. i dont really count him because..well......i felt nothing. absolutely nothing. it was pathetic. he never called me again either. i hope i never see him again.

 

the abusive ex.....yeah he pressured me, had sex with me. then left and slammed the door. never talked to me again for a year until he tried to come back in my life.

 

i think i have issues with sex and men. i think im all screwed up. it's strange because i want to be a good person who respects herself, who has boundaries, who has morals, who values herself, who knows better, who stops making these mistakes, who waits until she's in a committed longterm relationship before having any sex, who doesnt do weird crappy things with strangers.

 

i dont understand how i could have fallen so fast and so quickly and so disgustingly off the path from the person i want to be and the person i am. it's a very dangerous world for a girl out there. and i am so sad, dirty, ashamed, and it is very very very difficult to even talk about this. but i feel like i need to say the truth somewhere.

 

i will never do any of those things again. if this guy i like...likes me....and is still willing to give me a chance......im going to do right by him. im going to be a good girl and wait and not go fast and to take the time and to follow boundaries. i like him so much....i feel like a *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* sometimes. so dirty and ashamed and embarrassed. i didnt know any better and ive been used and been stupid and been just dirty and gross. i hate myself for it.

 

but i feel like ive fallen off the path too much to ever return to the path. or can i? can i be.....who i want to be still?

 

im lucky if i dont have a disease but i never meant to be like this. i feel violated and anguished and i disrespect and hurt myself and hate myself so much. i have morals.....why did i throw them all away?

 

it just all feels so dirty, cheap, sordid, disgusting. i want to be good again. i could cry as i write this......this is very deep and honest but also very traumatic for me. i have issues. especially these past years have been so horrible.

 

the guy i like.....he deserves better than a crazy girl like this. i meet guys all the time that look at my body, make dirty jokes to me, tell me i am very sexy and sensual.....im flattered and like the attention but...as much as i like being "sexy".....i wish they would see me as a beautiful person inside and out. see me for who i am.

 

i hate myself. i just want to curl into a ball and die. i wish i could start all over again. i cant forgive myself.

 

on the other hand, i am setting some boundaries for myself:

 

1. i wont have oral,phone vaginal, or anal sex or fingering with a man until i am in a longterm, committed, trusting, loyal relationship with him.

2. i wont get naked with a man until i have seen and known him for a longterm.

3. we will not be sexual like handjobs or anything until there is a lot of emotional intimacy, affection, trust and enough time has passed.

4. i will listen to my instincts to see if im ready to go that far, and even then i will hold back until i am more certain.

5. i will not give in to any pressure at all. no "ur too good", "u need to live more", "just try it", "it'll be fun", "it's not that bad" talk. this is not for me.

6. if he really respects and cares for me he wont pressure or push me and he will wait and give me the time and trust that i need.

7. i will only date one person at a time.....no matter how fun it is.....or if i do date more than one.......i will only kiss and hug. no sexual stuff.

8. i only want to do sexual things with one person.

9. i will not talk dirty or exchange dirty talk until i trust him and know that he really cares for me.

10. if i went too far, i can take steps back and change my mind and not do those same things anymore. i can say no and not feel guilty. it is okay to reerect boundaries.

11. i will respect and value myself and find a man that values, respects me for who i am.

12. i will stand up for myself.

13. i will not be forced ever again, i take back my own power.

14. the past does not have to be the present or the future.

15. i will not use sex as a tool or a weapon. sex is a moment of deep intimacy, love, trust, affection between two people. i want that. i will not use sex to get closer to men or to get what i want or to pursue a relationship. i will recognize sex for what it is.....sex.

16. i only want meaningful sex.

17. i will not be a silly, stupid, dont know any better, pressured, neglected, bleeding young girl.

18. i will protect myself emotionally and sexually.

[Gilgamesh]

The words you use to describe yourself is how you feel internally, you have been put down so long in past relationships that you believe that the only thing you have of value is your body.

 

Even though you want these guys to like you for your other good traits, you need to believe yourself that you have them, you have to love yourself and respect yourself before others can.

 

Once you can bring up your self esteem and really value yourself as a person, once you can erase from your mind that you are not who your Ex made you think you are, then you will start attracting the right kind of guys and not scare them away.

 

Yeah guys like sex, but they will only take a woman serious if she doesnt push it, or give it up so quick. value yourself and men will value you.

 

I like your list, and its a good set of rules, but this should come naturally from inside because of your values, and not because "this is what i have to do" and your right, the past doesnt have to be the present or future, today you can be reborn into who ever you wish to be, your on the right track.

[teacup]

i dont know if i've blown it already with this guy i like though. hmmm.......how do i back off from being sexual with him?

 

but it doesnt matter. i need to learn to care about myself.

 

im sick of being sick and tired and hating myself and feeling so dirty and cheap. i never wanted to do all those things but i ended up doing them anyways. that is the worst part. i wasnt doing what i wanted to do.

 

it's true, i dont find worth or value in myself. i've been destroyed for so long i dont remember what it's like to be healthy or whole, i dont remember what it's like to be normal or a real person. i've been abused for so long...sometimes i think in some ways i still act like an abused person. i self abuse myself too.

 

but im the only one that will help myself. my parents are so emotionally unavailable, it is like they are cutting me down too.

 

my values......i want to go back to my values. can i do that? i have fallen for so long. i dont want to fall anymore.

 

i just dont/wont feel like myself if i have sex too soon. i wish i could be me again. i cry to the heavens to forgive me and to let me be a better person. i dont want to be like this. i dont.

 

i know better so i need to do better.

[MajinBu]

Some people have told me that I'm good at listening and resolving problems, I'm sorry to hear you feel ashamed of yourself but I'll try my best to help you out.

 

A lot of people like you have or are feeling bad after doing something against their own morals. Specially when it's things regarding sex and partners.

 

I believe your problem could have been for you to rush into things. Your own morals gave you a picture of what is right, and you want to follow that. But you simply went too fast in trying to reach that perfect picture you had in mind all along.

In my experience, true love just happens, you can't look for it, but it'll be there when your ready, and everyone will get to it eventually. And by everyone I mean everyone.

A lot of guys can be like your abusive ex... but most aren't, and anyone with a bit of sense would understand what you have been through.

So all I think you need to do is relax, and settle down. Don't worry about relations, partners, people that didn't or don't make you feel right. Let them all go. Restart your life in your head. Change the way you think and be the person you want to be. It's never too late.

Concentrate on yourself for a while, and if you notice that something is happening against your own morals again, act, and make it stop.

We are humans also because we have a will that let's us decide whats best.

I'm sure you'll feel better soon.

[teacup]

thanks majinbu, that was sweet! i needed to read that. well, it sounds so sordid because i just listed almost everything big i have ever done. but that is the whole list. and i certainly do not want to add anything to it.

 

sighhhhh..........so gross. alot of times i wasnt looking for love. i was just completely screwed up in the head. i was depressed, anxious, head screwed up from abuse and a fog of confusion, believing and fighting a psychological war with him and unable to see clearly, and meeting and attracting predators. i didnt know any better and i didnt know enough to protect myself. i was naive and stupid and innocent and trusting and i got all screwed up mentally, emotionally, psychological.

 

i was offbalance and i was unwell. i found ppl that took advantage of my state who were more than willing to use me without a second thought. i was easily overwhelmed by any small kindness or gesture because it was seemed so nice compared to the abuse that i glorified it. i didnt have any boundaries and didnt set any for myself. i didnt know any better. i was young and gauche and couldnt see other ppl's intentions. i was a mess inside and outside and i tried to use sex as a weapon or a tool to give me some control over my life. i also suffered shame and anguish over having been forced my first time and those other times when men pressured me i just caved in. caved in to the feelings and shame that i wasnt any better and that i wasnt worthy or valuable for anything except being "sexy" or having sex.

 

it's so hard to let this all out. and i know ppl will judge me. but i have to work through my issues for myself and one of those is getting feedback by writing agonizing personal stuff like this.

[MajinBu]

I'm glad I was somewhat helpful. A lot of people change and constantly are changing, sometimes for the best and other times for the worst, but as long as you know what you want from yourself and your life, you'll change for the best I'm sure.

I know how hard it can be to say certain things to friends, family, or even just strangers like us, but by letting it out you at least might get help out of it. But don't worry about people's judgement, it's how you feel about yourself and knowing you are doing the right thing now is what matters. Plus if someone judges you, it means they are either less experienced compared to you about how someone can feel and change or simply because they envy the fact that you are now changing. Not everyone has the power to effectivly do that.

We can talk more about this over instant messaging if you want.... my addresses are on the side ^_^

[sweetheart230]

You sound almost exactly like I did. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for about a year and a half and it was on and off during that time. I did so many stupid things, like losing my virginity to a complete stranger while blacked out drunk the first time my ex and I broke up, and so many other things I used to regret that its not even worth mentioning.

 

I used to feel worthless. I used to feel stupid and dirty and like there was something wrong with me. I still struggle wtih that sometimes. But what I've learned is to trust myself and that every horrible thing I've gone through has taught me important lessons that are learned the hard way. You are strong enough to stop this cycle. There was a time when I thought being used by guys was the best I would ever get. I know better now. And I know it will be better for you, too. If you are sure of yourself and what you want, and you know inside that you can get it (and trust me, you can) then you will never let any man take advantage of you again. My ex made me feel like I didn't deserve anything, and that I was worth nothing. I'm still recovering, and I still cry sometimes. But I know that what I went through was worth it because it made me stronger.

 

Good luck.