I am ready to change... but how?

[Irishgurl]

Hi everyone... I'm 26 and am very much in love with my fiancee... the problem is... well... me.

 

I didn't have a very loving childhood and was never close to my family... my parents never hugged us or kissed us good night, or ever said "I love you". I grew up never getting anything unless I worked for it... so needless to say I have a quite guarded and independent personality and have been working since the age of 11.

 

I do not communicate well and bottle things up because I was brought up to never discuss my feelings.

 

I do not let my fiancee help me with anything and I know it hurts him because it makes him feel that I do not want his help... but it is only because I want to do it myself.

 

I lash out on him when I am having a bad day when I don't mean to... I just don't know how to communicate properly or separate personal issues from home life.

 

I get very lonely when he is not around and I find it hard for me to get motivated to do anything I like to do on my own... because I want him there.

 

I don't know how to properly support him when he needs it. I am there for him, I listen to him... but he is always saying he needs more and I don't know what that is.

 

I am ready to change because I feel I owe it to myself to do this but I don't know where to start. Communication is definitely the top priority right now, but I also need to know how to properly show how I feel.

 

He is a very kind and generous person who treats me very well and I love him with all my heart which is why I know I have to do this or I will ruin our relationship. Please help...

 

Thank you for your support.

[Tigris]

Go to your doctor and explain the situation. There are many different types of counsellors that your doctor can refer you to.

 

Well done for trying to find help!

 

At present I am seeing one and she is helping me through some issues from my past which I have never dealt with. I'm sure if you explain the situation someone will be able to help you.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Irishgurl]

I have been seeing a counsellor. Guess it's not really working then.

[babybees]

In my opinion, most men want to feel to be wanted and needed from the person they love.

I know, you are probably used to be so independent and don't need your bf's help. But when you talk with him, ask him his opinion and stuff. He'd feel more appreciated and needed as a partner. Especially he will be your husband one day. If you can't share anything with him right now, how can he survive with the feeling that his wife not wanting/needing his support/help.

 

I grew up like you. We never said "iloveyou" in my family. my family were very old fashioned and we were just not like a regular western families who seem are very close with their family members. I learn this since I live in US and have kids. I was not close with my family either. But i learn from my bf that most men are the same. They want to feel needed/wanted.

 

A counsellor sometimes can help. He is there for you to listen your problems. If you have someone who you can talk to, then you don't need a counsellor. Do you have a good close friend who you can share from heart to heart?

If you don't have anyone to talk to other than your fiance, then use him. But warn him before the conversation starts that if you lash-out your anger/emotion to him that would be a natural from your body and mind that you can't control and you don't mean that. It's probably like when women are having their periods,,they usually are more emotional..hehe..something they can't control.

 

I believe your man wants to be there for you. Helping you to make you feel better. that what love is.

 

Hope that helps. Good luck!

 

-babybees

[Bethany]

Buy Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. A well known relationship- saver book which explains basically the difference between men and women and how to communicate to each other and could greatly help your situation.

[Irishgurl]

Babybees: Excellent post, thank you.

 

Bethany: Already read it...

[WyseOne]

IrishGurl I am so proud of you. I wish my ex would have done the same as you, she is the same age too. It would have made all the difference to her and myself and ultimately our relationship. Your Fiancee should be very greatful to have someone like you, someone that can acknowledge their faults and seek help. I know what it can be like for someone to not show their feelings and affection and the impact it has on their significant other and how horrible things can get. I know how it made me feel and I would have done anything to change that. It affected me to the point where I lashed out, I never meant to but the lack of affection was killing me and I know who I am, I know from past experience that the person I had become was not the person I was and I just didn't know how to deal with it at the time. If I only knew then what I know now I could have saved my relationship, after all I have researched on the affects of low self-esteem since she left I would have understood why she felt the way she did and got the help that was needed to make us both happy. I didn't realize what impact low self-esteem had on a person and the ones around them, I thought because I was the first and if she seen how much I loved her she would get her self-esteem back and things would get better, I was so wrong and I know now that it was impossible to reverse all those years of emotional baggage by myself and help was definently needed.

 

Believe me when I say you are doing a very good thing and he will just love you more for your effort, when you get through this you will be giving him the biggest gift anyone could receive. I can only pray she can figure it out too so she can have a relationship she deserves, she really was such a wonderful person and I can't help but to feel so sorry for the childhood she had. Sometimes I wish I wasn't her first and she; like you had acknowledged it and I had met and fell in love with her later on in life or that we could start again.

[Irishgurl]

thank you so much for your kind words.... unfortunately it was too late as he chose to end the relationship this evening. Thank you for all your help.

[WyseOne]

Oh no, I am so sorry.

[WyseOne]

Check your PM.

[Irishgurl]

PM'd ya back... thanks