Hello, need some advice

[friendly00069]

Would like some practical advice. I am divorced, and have been seeing a wonderful person for about a year. We simply fit; we compliment each other in almost every way. We have fun, discussions, deep thoughts; it has been the most enjoyable time of my life. We have had our disagreements, and misunderstandings - but always we come back to each other.

 

We decided to get engaged and set a date to be married. The engagement went off without a hitch, I received permission from her family, my family was thrilled - we had a big get together, all was perfect.

 

Since that time, we have had several arguments. All over small things. She wanted to invite a close male friend to a family event and I objected. She started making comments about not having enough time to do anything and that I was eating up all of her time. These comments, stung, and I reacted badly - getting upset, saying silly comments like "if you don't have time for me, then fine, I won't see you....".

 

The last few weeks have been full of ups and downs. I am torn, as she is finding any excuse to delay the wedding, I am bouncing from jumping in joy, to uncertainty and trepidation. I am not a young guy, and this is my second marriage, I am scared, I do not want to make a second mistake. I love this person she is everything to me. She pegged me correctly when she said that I am like two different people, one happy, content, confident the other insecure, unsure - that sometimes she feels I am not talking to "her" when I react.

 

What should I do? How do I reconcile the two sides within me? At this rate, I will drive her away, and yet, I still seem to fall into the same trap (react before thinking, then feel bad about it later). Any help, advice, suggestions - would be appreciated? Anybody ever been through something like this before?

[PocoDiablo]

Hey there,

 

Here's the advice of a guy who was married, divorced, and now engaged again. (This one is going perfectly.) I'll be dead honest with you - you're the problem with the relationship, and I'm pretty sure you know that from the comments you made. I can only share with you what I have learned and how it helped me.

 

What's the problem? Simply this:

 

You have to learn to be a gentleman - a REAL gentleman. What does that entail? Simple. A real man has three very important traits:

 

1. (self) control

2. (self) confidence

3. Challenge

 

Let's go over these on a basic level.

 

1. Control. This means two things. First, it means you MUST have self-control. That means you do not blow up over things, you do not make hurtful remarks, you maintain your composure. Silly comments like "If you don't have time for me, then fine, I won't see you" have the self-control of a spoiled 8-year old brat. You know it's true, sorry, and she sees you do that and says to herself "He's not a man; he's a boy - a child at best. I cannot marry a child." Every time you lose control, you push her away.

 

When you have a problem, you must confront it. You must be open and honest about it, and you must have a fair reason for it. If she wanted to bring another man with her to a party, you SHOULD question that. You SHOULD tell her that it is VERY disrespectful to you. It's a slap in the face if you ask me. I would tell her something like "I understand you enjoy the company of this man, but you are engaged to me. If you bring another man to this party, it is completely disrespectful to me and makes me look like a fool. You can do it if you wish, but you have to understand that I won't tolerate being made a fool of." This is fair warning that you WILL dump her. And you HAVE to back it up. She gets to make her decisions, you make yours.

 

Second, it means you must be able to let her know that you, as a man, do understand that you will be providing a level of control in the relationship. If she makes a bad decision, you will (a) tell her and (b) take control of the situation and rectify it as you see fair and fit. So long as you are a man, and not crazy about it (this is not power-trip control, just reasonable man of the house control) she should respect it. You are not being the child, asking mother for permission, you are the father helping guide and protect her under your watchful eye.

 

2. Confidence. You must have confidence in yourself and your decisions. You must understand that you DO have standards, and she MUST meet them. If she does not meet them, then SHE has failed and it's her loss. Do not allow any person to make you think YOU lose if they cross you. Really, you sound like a mature man, and she's clearly done a few things to piss you off. That's fine, just understand that she's not the only woman out there. Believe me, I used to think that way, and I now realize that if a woman is not PERFECT for me, and I mean BEYOND PERFECT then she's not good enough for me.

 

Do not settle for second best, and that means raise your standards a lot.

 

3. Challenge. Quite simply this means don't be so damn serious. Lighten up! Have fun! Don't be boring! Do different things, surprise her, avoid heavy topics (unless *absolutely* necessary) and if things get heavy, change the topic. Kiss her. Above all, you have to be fun to be with. If you're in a bad mood, go work on the car!

 

-------------

 

Bottom line: Shut your mouth when you get mad. Think. Be a gentleman. Do you need a role model? Go rent a bunch of Cary Grant movies or Tivo them. HE is a fantastic role model for me. Yes, old movies, but timeless advice. Notice he never looses his cool, he always speaks his mind appropriately, he is funny and flirty, confident, and never gives away too much information. He's unpredictable - that is attractive.

 

I think you can save this, but it's going to take a dedicated effort on your part. And you need to take action quickly. You still have boy-like traits and they will drive any woman away. It's not hard to figure this out, it only took me a matter of months to completely understand all the stupid mistakes I made, the changes I had to make, and what to look for in a woman.

 

Look, I could speak to these issues for a week, but I will make you one recommendation. Believe it or not, the one thing that totally changed me after my divorce was the $99 book at . I bought it figuring it would be full of BS and I would return it. It was actually very good. There are many other sites that sell stuff and I really don't recommend them (yes, I bought them. Dumb move.) It speaks directly about self-improvement and picking the right partner. It is very focused on long term relationships, and not just quickie/dating techniques, so I would recommend it strongly. If you think I'm wrong, you can send it back. Heck, I'd buy it off you because I know how valuable it is. Every man should read that book, in my opinion. If I had read that thing when I was 18 ... man, I would not have married my ex-wife. I would have married the other woman I was looking at. What a huge mistake I made (11 years of hell.)

 

No, this is not a sales pitch. You can ask DiggityDogg or Venturer on this site - I do my best to give good advice. That book is where I learned a lot of it. You can also search my profile for my posts to see I am for real.

 

Good luck.

 

-P

[jdratx]

Interesting, PocoD. I've thought of buying that book myself. DocLove's articles are pretty good!

 

Friendly-- I think PocoD makes some very good points about your situation. I agree in that you do need to remain composed, confident, and that you should loosen up just a bit. Insecurity is a tough one to understand and deal with, but you should really strive for improvements in that respect. Just keep showing her what a great guy you are and be mindful of the little, subconscious, negative feelings you might express. She will pick up on these and it will only cause you further grief and more arguments.

 

Best wishes.

[godblessme]

Wow - P really hit that one on the head. I wish every guy out there could read the advice he has given to you. As a women - married - every women wants those things in a relationship. More importantly - to have a successful marriage those things MUST be present...

 

Control - confidence and challange.....

 

Good luck -