I dont know where to turn

[scattybean]

Hi

i dont know if this is really the right place to be but i need some advice from someone who doesnt know me or my boyfriend.

 

about 6 months ago my boyfriend started talking to this girl on the internet over the web cam. for the first couple of times i was there but then he started doing it when i wasnt home yet. i am a paranoid person any way and although she lives in america and we are in the UK and she really isnt his sort of girl, i began to get worried that it was more that just inoccent chatting. a couple of months went by i had told him my insecurities and he had assured me it was nothing to worry about. so i calmed down, i found a letter in the flat when i was tidying up. it was from her and she was declasring her love for him and saying how she couldnt wait to be together. i was gutted. i had believed there was nothing goin ng on and a couldnt believe that he had given her his home address. any way he told me he had done nothing to encourage her and he had stopped talking to her.

a couple of months after that a parcel arrived. i being the psycho girlfriend open it and in sid efound and expensive t shirt she had bought for him and her own thong! i couldnt believe she had sent im a pair of her own knickers. there was a letter too saying how my boyf had helped her so much and how she was madly in love with him. i was told they had stopped talking.

 

now this morning my boyfriend has got a new phone and said i could have the old one. i put my card in it this morning to find out some of his numbers are still stored on the fone. one of which is her phone number for the other side of the world. my heart sunk even if she had given it to him why has he saved it.

 

i dont know what to do. i love him with all my heart. we have been together for 5 years. nothing like this has happened before a just dont know what to do. i dont want to have to live with out him but i dont want to be taken as a mug who can be lied to. do you think he has been lying to me??

 

im sorry to waffle on for so long but i need an outsiders help.

 

thank you for reading

 

i hope to hear from you soon

 

xxxxxxxxx

[Sugar-Rush]

Firstly Big Big hugs babe!

I couldn't pass this post without replying because the exact same thing happened to me!

Firstly, you know he's lying to you but you need to find out to what extent, he lied that he'd stopped talking to her, but from he's phone you can obviously tell he is...ask him outright what is really going on and don't take no for an answer...i'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I felt , when it happened to me that this is worse than normal cheating, if he met her, in say a bar......because then he could blame his pecker! This is not physical....its up to you how you handle it....but if i was you i'd leave.

 

Sorry I hate leaving posts that arebn't positive....if you want to PM me about this feel free ...i'm so so sorry you're going tro this

 

Sugar XxXxX

[Fif Angel]

You need to sit down with him, calmly and have a long chat with him- present him with all the `evidence` that you have i.e-this parcel she sent, the fact that her number is still in his phone etc. It`s all starting to add up and make it increasingly unlikely that he is an unwilling victim of her stalking.

 

Incidentally-Im curious: how did he react before when he found out that you had opened his parcel? People don`t like to have their privacy invaded but if he reacted particularly angrily then chances are he was dealing with a guilty conscience.

 

The fact is-if your boyfriend was an entirely innocent party in all of this he would a) tell you about the parcel he received from her and b) delete her number from his phone.

 

He is definitely taking you for a mug and you need to sort it out. Sit down, talk to him, ask him all these questions. It seems to me that your boyfriend is pretty much taking you for granted just now. It is highly unlikely that he intends to leave you for this girl accross the pond or indeed have any form of physical relationship with her so it is probably more a case of him wanting to have his cake and eat it too. A secure, long term relationship with you and a little flirtation on the side, safe in the knowledge that nothing can ever come of it given the distance etc

 

If nothing else, it`s a blatant lack of respect. Deal with it sooner rather than later

[RayKay]

Well it is true she COULD just be a crazy stalker, but I doubt he did NOTHING to encourage her at all - I mean, the fact that he gave her his address, or called her, and so forth is not "nothing".

 

Can I ask why you did not say anything when they first started talking. I do respect people have friends of the opposite sex, but to just meet someone over the internet while in a relationship and start something up...is a little more odd. Where did he meet her?

 

You don't fall madly in love with someone without some reciprocation of some sort, and she mentions herself how much he has helped her. She refers to "being together"...did he lead her on to believe this would happen? Does she even know you exist?

 

If it was really "unwanted attention" would he not have told you about the letter? Blocked her number?

 

You need to sit down with him and find out what happened...he may not tell the truth, but pay attention to his body language - after 5 years I am sure you can tell when he is being honest or not. Do not accept "I did nothing" when there is evidence that it was more then nothing.

[chai714]

Scatty,

Firstly, there's no doubt he's been lying to you. A good liar will try to cover his tracks, but he seems to have no shame. You probably feel disrespected, cheated, and angry and rightfully so. If you sat down and talked to him about it, he might deny it all and make up a story. Most liars will continue to lie even when caught red-handed.

 

Your next decision would be to decide if what he did was a deal-breaker. Could you trust him again? In my book, there are 2 levels of trust. The first one is primary trust. This is when you completely trust someone, and they haven't done anything significant for you to doubt them or whether or not they're being truthful. In other words, you always trust them 100% of the time. The second level is called secondary trust. With this trust, you can't ever have 100% assurance they're tellling you the truth. The reason being that they have violated your trust in the past and you'll always have some amount of doubt in the back of your mind.

 

So, if you feel you can go ahead with the relationship if he shapes up then work on it with him. If you can't, then you know what to do. Take some time to yourself to decide. Good luck.

[Eowyn]

Oh man. This sucks. I am so sorry.

 

Oddly, I feel relieved for you that she lives here in the states. Maybe thats a safe zone for him since she is so far away.

 

But anyway, I also think its healthy and ok for people to have friends of the opposite sex, but no new ones. My ex had some female friends, and they never bothered me, it was the NEW one that bothered me.

 

Why is he out making new friends on the internet anyway? That bothers me. I think he should be trying to deepen his connection to you, not developing new connections with new women, no matter how innocent, and how unrealistic it would be for them to get together.

 

And the emotional verses physical cheating: I think emotional is so much worse. I was emotionally cheated on, and it stung, real bad, and real deep.

 

Hang in there. Let us know what he said. And aks him why he had her number and never mentioned it before!

[scattybean]

Thank you for all of your replys.

 

just to answer some of your questions, he just got a new mac and web cam and his mate told him you could talk on ichat. he wanted to speak to other people witrh macs who were in to music recording. he didnt find her she found him, the first time he went on to the net she invited him on to a web chat. i was there.

 

he didnt get that mad when i opened his parcel. her name was on it as the sender so i knew it was from her. he was more disappointed that i couldnt have just put it in the bin or something.

 

maybe some of you will think i have done the wrong thing but we have talked and i want to be with him. he is the only person i have ever loved.

 

i have made him understand how i feel. he would have probbably flew to where ever and beat the guy up if they were doing it to me!!!!

 

as chai714 says about trust, i will not be able to trust him 100% there will always be some doubt in my mind but we have over come worse things than this together including different health scares and problems i do think we will be able to work at it.

 

 

 

thanks again for all your help. i have only just joined this group but i will stay around and maybe i will talk with you again

 

xxx

[Eowyn]

dont beat yourself up for staying with him. we've all done stuff like that. why else would we be here?

 

sounds like the lines of communication are open and thats good. as for the trust, that takes time. i had trust issue w/ my bf before i broke up with him, we were looking into couple's counseling and he called around and found a specialist in relationships who said that she had trust building exercises that we could do. have you looked into this? if the trust isnt rebuilt i think it will eat you up, and thats just not healthy.