Age Gap Concern

[Sleepless Nights]

I think this issue has now been resolved for me - better sooner than later to eliminate further hurt. I have learnt a lot from this new experience - to listen to your gut feelings, try to separate the emotional from the physical, give absolute credence to what they say versus what they do. In the end, time reveals all things and sometimes not the way we envisaged.

 

Thank you for your responses

[passions1]

I think your best bet is to go with your gut instinct about this guy & continue to take your time to get to know him. Don't worry what about other people think, people are going to judge regardless.

 

Btw, I have friend who is with a man who is at least 10 years younger than her. In the beginning everyone else doubted they would last, but they've been together for at least 2 or 3 years now. So they're doing quite well compared to other couples who are of similar age.

[SimoneTiger]

Our families and friends do not know about us...

 

From my experience, any endeavor that you feel less than comfortable and eager to share with your family and friends will lead to disappointment & regrets.

 

Then again, what are you looking for: a commited relationship that lasts a lifetime or just fun? How about him? Men his age would normally be thinking about starting their own family...

 

What is the reason you have been divorced twice?

 

Edited for typo.

[CATLOVER]

Honestly in your heart do you think you could just break it off now and go no further. I bet if you really do like him you wont be able to not give it ago regardless of all the issues. Since when is love logical anyway......Ive always found that even when my head can bring up a million reasons not to go ahead , im literally pulled into it. I think some relationships whether they are transitory or long term are just meant to take place because there is something I need to learn from it. I think the big issue is knowing when something is for a short term and not trying to make it the one for the rest of my life. Anyway.....

I have a girlfriend whose husband is 17yrs older and they just fit together....everyone who knew them thought it would finish in 6months...they have been together for over thirteen yrs now.....

 

So just do what feels right to you

[Jdoccan]

I am two years past a relationship with a woman that was 19 years younger than I. It was a very passionate and painful relationship, one of extremes. So, I don't know if this applies to you or not, but thought you might be interested.

 

The fact that you are concerned about the age gap is the issue from my perspective. This is underscored by the fact that you are hesitant to expose the relationship to those close to you.

 

I felt strange when I was with her friends. Furthermore, I limited her exposure to my friends. This developed into a very painful issue for both of us. She felt hurt and unimportant because of my behavior, and I felt really old when I was around her friends.

 

You need to prioritize your wants/needs. If he is your guy, then be proud of him, and let everyone know you are with him. If your age-gap concerns are overwhelming, then maybe you should back off. You need to decide.

 

Don't hurry or rush in either direction. Time has a magical way of making the emotional fog disipate. Good luck and I wish you well.

[Sleepless Nights]

After reading the reply responses so far, i respond accordingly.

Married 1st time around because I was pregnant, had the attitude of good enough to sleep with good enough to marry even thought I was not in love with him. He never knew this, was 8 years my senior and treated me like a beautiful book on his mantlepiece but never opened the cover to read the contents. He owned and ruled me. He was a big player unbeknown to me so when I found out after my child was 2yo I ended the relationship because fidelity is no.1 to me in a relationship. He is on his 4th marriage and still is a big player. 2nd time around, married a guy who I feel head over heels for, tall dark and handsome variety. I believe that I was the model wife, I owned property, a business etc. and he owned absolutely nothing but came from very wealthy parents. He loved the lifestyle I gave him, wanted a son desperately but decided kids weren't such a good idea after a while when he had to be responsible for his contribution to the family unit. Would not give anything of himself in the end, was always angry and I had no idea why.... upon reflection he has never had a relationship longer than 4 years, ours lasted 8. He left and I have no idea where he is now but know he is married again (3rd time in 15 years).

I have in actual fact mentioned my concerns about this younger guy to close friends - they encourage me to give it time and get to know him.

 

Younger women with older men seems to be more socially acceptable but when you have a younger guy especially one that is 19 years your junior -I have not known any personally myself by the way, but would imagine it not so acceptable especially by his parents. He says he isn't fussed about children and is wondering if he can have any anyway because of a medical problem he experienced 2 years ago.

 

Yes I would feel perhaps a little uncomfortable around his friends and family but only because I would be concerned with how they would envisage him. I am very gregarious considered very intelligent by my friends etc. present myself well with young physical appearance and no definitely not mutton dressed as lamb.... I acknowledge I turn many a young mans head but definitely am not conceited about it perhaps just a little flattered shall I say.

 

I am only interested in a long term long term relationship, I am not the "let's have fun for now" variety. I quickly become emotionally involved with the person I truly like. I do not find myself attracted to many guys at all, I am quite fussy and also old fashioned in my principles, believe in marriage vs. defacto relationships.

 

I really appreciate your feedback everyone - you all sound fairly in tune with your emotions and suggestions which is extremely important as I feel mine are a little off tap at the moment hence my questions on what should I do from here...... keep me posted please.

[Jdoccan]

Sleepless Nights,

 

Your post made me think about the relationship I referred to earlier (she was 19 years younger than I). Unfortunately, the problem wasn't the age-gap as much as my personal beliefs regarding the age gap. There were other issues too, but aren't there always? Don't get me wrong, it had to end, but I often wonder about the age difference component. (I have since come to the conclusion that it can be overcome if the two people are so inclined.)

 

Regarding just the age difference in my situation, it took some time alone for me to understand it wasn't the difference in age itself, but how I internalized it. That relationship taught me many lessons too, and I'm thankful for these, but the lessons didn't come easy, and I have no desire to relearn them.

 

You said you had old-fashioned principles. Maybe this is the source of your concern. A big part of me wishes we could just disconnect from the opinions of others, but I know this is easier said than done. Are you willing to compromise? Every relationship is going to take extreme patience and compromise at times. This may be especially true with the age difference.

 

I think it would bother me though if I had to consider the wishes of my partner's parents. I'm not a parent, so I am probably way out of my realm here. If, however, I were a parent, I would hope that I had raised my child to make his/her own decisions as an adult. Sure, I would always be there for them, and I would most certainly give them my opinion if they asked, but out of respect for the person they are, and hope to become, I would not interfere where romance is concerned.

 

Are you concerned because you are financially well-off? I could understand that, but that is all the more reason to move slowly. Did he know about your financial status when you met?

 

I also sensed that you were not too confident in your own decision-making process regarding the younger man either. I think it is a matter of not having enough information to make a decision!

 

Once again, I must reiterate that if it were me, I would need to move very, very slowly. Is he kind and gentle with children? Does he have integrity? Is he honest? Imagine you are having dinner with this guy. Is he kind to the person(s) serving you? How is he with animals (pets)?

 

It sounded like you had reached some sort of decision with this guy, but these things have a way of changing. You sound like you are honest and intelligent. If you think you are letting your emotions get away from you, can you say, "I need to be alone for awhile." This would be the intelligent and honest thing to do for both of you, wouldn't it?

 

Just some thoughts sleepless nights. No one knows the right answers but you. If you take your time and bring your heart home, the process will reveal those things necessary to decide.

 

Get some sleep!

[justlookin]

Sleepless Nights

Wondering why you are sleepless?I made the mistake of listening to others about my age difference and other conditions.She was 8 yrs younger,we dated for 1 1/2 yrs and we're truly in Love.I broke it off on the phone and hurt her very deeply never to see her again.I made the mistake of letting others influence my choices and decisions. as I look back I realized that it was safer to do soo.I know now that if we would of met in person to put closure on the relationship,there is a good possibility that it would not of ended.When She walked into the room I could see her glow with anticipation as our eyes met.At the same time I would glow too.Since then,I have learned not to listen to anyones opinion but my very own Heart.Not sure what makes me still sleepless?The way I hurt her? the nonclosure?or the loss of a deep friend.Basically what I am saying is that I am still looking for closure.

Sleepless in California.