Choosing Sides?

[comfortably_nmb21]

As i've posted before, my parents are currently separated... My mother moved to California and my father is still living here in Montana. I feel like i have to choose sides. I'm closer with my mother so we talk every day and i seem to be the one she vents to about my father...however, i love my father dearly and i feel awful that he's living alone.. How do i stay neutral and show my father i'm not choosing sides? We don't really have a close relationship.. he doesn't like talking on the phone, doesn't use email and he's always working when i try to go visit him.

[Serendipity1607307077]

I remember when I was about 14, my mother and father (who had been divorced and fighting for custody for since I was five) asked me if I wanted to live with my dad or my mum.

 

There is nothing worse than being asked to take a side, and it's just not right...

 

I think you just need to be straight up with both of your parents (even if your mum knows you won't take sides - it's good to reinforce with both) that you love them both equally, and as such, you are not going to show preference for one over the other. It's just not right.

 

I was closer to my mother too because she had brought us up as a single mum since their divorce.. I lost contact with my dad in 2000 and have only just started talking to him now..

 

But that's my suggestion - just be direct. They chose to divorce, but you shouldn't have to choose sides. It will just create more unwanted rifts.

[sonjam]

** my newly accquired skills** -

a good book on anger management taught me this. Your mom is actually causing anger, and feelings of guilt because she chooses you to vent to about your father - causing a triangle. What you need to do is:

 

In a loving an compassionate voice tell your mom that you understand her anger, and know how she feels, BUT that you love your dad very much, and would not like to participate in their quarrels, since it will affect your relationship with your dad, and as it stands at the moment, you don't want that, it is their own fight, you love both of them very much, and you want to keep communication chanells open to both of them. BIG thing is not to participate in the triangle, agree when your mom says things about your dad, but to STAY OUT OF IT. She will keep on trying to get you to participate (old habits are hard to break) but stand your ground (lovingly and compansionately) don't also fight with her about it, even if she tries to pick a fight!!

 

same thing applies to your dad. They should both know that you are no more loyal to the one than to the other, you want no part in the fights between them, and you don't wish to discuss each others problems with this.

 

When they try and taunt you into a conversation about it, change the subject by asking them advice about something in your own life....

 

See if it helps??

[BellaDonna]

Having your parents go through a divorce is difficult. When you're an adult it may be difficult in different ways, then if you were a young child. For instance, when you're a young child- many parents (if they're good parents) will shield you from their arguments and not bad-mouth one another to you. However as an adult they see you as more mature and perhaps even as a form of emotional support or a friend for them. As a result they will VENT to you about one another, as you've noticed. This can be extremely stressful. What's worse is that all of their negativity is going to rub off on you and bring you down.

 

Misery loves company. It's never fun to hear ANYONE complain tirelessly, let alone when it's about someone you care about. I'm going through a similar situation right now: My parents moved out-of-state together- but then my mother came back because she wasn't happy, and then cheated on my father, so now she's here with a new BF (a felon) while my father is still living out-of-state. Every time I talk to either one of them, they are talking and about the other. My dad is still in the anger stage so he is the main one venting to me about her infidelity. He's even told me things that I really care not to know about their sexual history and how he can't understand why she did not want sex with him but now she's ----ing someone else. (note: he does not use the best words either...)

 

There are other adult posters going through this too:

 

link removed

 

Sonjam gave very excellant advice on how to deal with this:

 

In a loving an compassionate voice tell your mom that you understand her anger, and know how she feels, BUT that you love your dad very much, and would not like to participate in their quarrels, since it will affect your relationship with your dad, and as it stands at the moment, you don't want that, it is their own fight, you love both of them very much, and you want to keep communication chanells open to both of them. BIG thing is not to participate in the triangle, agree when your mom says things about your dad, but to STAY OUT OF IT. She will keep on trying to get you to participate (old habits are hard to break) but stand your ground (lovingly and compansionately) don't also fight with her about it, even if she tries to pick a fight!!

 

That is exactly what I have been doing latelyand it DOES WORK.

 

How do i stay neutral and show my father i'm not choosing sides? We don't really have a close relationship.. he doesn't like talking on the phone, doesn't use email and he's always working when i try to go visit him.

 

As for showing your dad that you care- if he's hard to reach -try sending him a card in the mail or calling him for a quick conversation to ask if he wants to get dinner after work, etc. I'm sure he'd be up for some company.

 

 

BellaDonna