Tearing down the walls...

[Stinkweed]

I feel so stupid and hope others feel the same. I dunno if many ppl in this forum have the same reasons to feel stupid, given that i don't think there are that many ppl belonging to the "countercultures" or whatnot. I've probably already posted about this, but here goes:

 

I'm a high school senior. All my years in high school have been very boring. Especially the first 2. Then the 3rd (junior year) I moved and met some ppl in my new place. I finally made friends. So that was the best year in my high school life. Then this year I've had many ups and downs. Many friends left b/c they were seniors last year. And I don't feel ready to leave, even though I know it's my turn... reason being:

 

Since I was 13/14 I've had dreams. Dreams that have never come true. Then I started highschool in a new place where I made no friends at all. I had silly teenager dreams, such as starting a band, becoming more social, etc. Out of pure insecurity I didn't pursue them, until the end of last year. I dunno what happened, but I resolved my mind into trying to realize those "silly dreams" before going off to college, you know, while I'm still in highschool. For example, back in 9th grade I always wanted to go to prom and see what the big deal was. But I've never been in a relationship and haven't had much luck this year meeting more ppl. I only have the old friendships from last year plus some very very few new ones and my friendship with my best friend is going awry... Anyway, so I resolved my mind to make new friends. But where to start? I just don't get along with so many people, and even the people who might have common interests with me I have a hard time getting along with. So I dunno what made those ppl from last year remain my friends. Why I can get along with them, why I can be loyal to them and they are loyal to me... Hence the title of the topic: I feel there are walls that stand between me and other ppl who I don't know.

 

Say I see the hispanic girls and ppl in general... Being hispanic myself, you'd think I'd have no problem socializing with them, seeing how they all get along with each other so well. But it's not true. I only speak spanish at home and have but like 1 single spanish speaking friend who's not even from the same country or has that many hispanic friends either. Not that I don't try, because last year I did try socializing big time, especially in the beginning of the year, when I was new to this whole mix thing (after having lived for 2 years in a place where I was probably the only hispanic).

 

Back then I didn't care what language they spoke, or nothing (and still try not to care, but it's hard...). So I tried befriending some dudes and even a couple of girls, but with the girl (I was actually very interested in her...) things were very weird and I'm not even sure what happened. And with the guys, well, I could feel they treated me differently from how they treated their peers... Still I wonder why is it so different? I mean, where I used to live before, I was about the only hispanic in like the whole school, and everybody was cool with it. I mean, the only reason I didn't have any friends was my attitude... Cause ppl were nice and they even talked to me.... Not like here, where I see hispanics hang out with hispanics only unless they've been living here for 10 years or more and americans with americans only except for those hispanics I later mentioned... I've been aware of all these things for quite a while and it only fed my anger against those ppl I thought I didn't have a chance with... And then, I realized I wasn't crazy, when for this class, a girl wrote an essay on this topic, and mentioned how hispanics don't hang out but with others hispanics like 95% of the time and same with americans... But lately I realized anger is not what I want to feel, and it's not a solution either... I mean, is this an issue of racism we're speaking about? But then why weren't americans this way when I lived in that other place? Is it because of different circumstances then?

 

Anyway, everytime I see a cute colombian or venezuelan girl in school (I myself am venezuelan... and about 40% of the student population was born in either of those 2 countries), my brain doesn't even bother taking a real look/whatever, cause it says "not possible". Like she's out of my league or like since she's not in my circle of friends, I don't stand a chance and shouldn't even bother. And I dunno how true this is, b/c even though some ppl are very close minded when it comes to cliques and circles of friends, I know not every1 is like that...I don't even belong to a real clique. I just have a small group of friends of random nationalities and tastes in clothes/music/etc.

 

How do I tear down those walls? I wish I could be a friendlier person and more sociable, but especially lately, since my best friend started acting weird and I started avoiding her, I've felt more hostile and untrusting than ever. What should I do? What makes it so hard to socialize with the others? I feel different and stupid. Like they think I'm a freak and I should even bother trying to reason with them... How do i change this and try to take the risk? I wish I knew someone else feels this way. All the cliques and stuff. it all just is so stupid. How the clothes someone wears, the haircut they have, and their taste in music influences their chances of starting a friendship with others... I feel so bad thinking that way myself. I dunno if they realize it, but i do and I feel bad, and there's not one single day I wonder why it is that way and if I have a chance of chaging it at all... I wish it could be like those teen movies where one guy who used to be a misfit starts doing stuff he never did before and ends up completely changing the way the ppl in their school think about cliques and stuff. Is it possible?

 

Hope somebody made it this far... And I dearly apologize for the rambling... I myself could also write an essay on this too I guess, then. Plz just give post your thoughts on the matter... Best wishes.

[Stinkweed]

Oh, and that first sentence is only meant for me and others who've done nothing about those "walls" but strengthening them... I, myself feel ashamed...

[babycristy456]

It sounds like you are very insecure about yourself, for the fact that any shaky situation with a friend can cause you to question yourself. I think that confidence is a major factor why you are not making the friendships you want. Ask yourself what it is that you are insecure about?

(Ex: your looks, the way you dance, that you will sound stupid if you talk to someone else, about getting rejected?) These are all insecurities, whatever yours are, find ways to accept yourself for who you are. Once you have a definate sense of who you are, start to make your circle of friends mainly on those people that are like you as well (same philosophy, same interests etc...) That is a good place to start, then once you are confident with those friends, go outside your circle and meet different types of people. Getting to know people that are different from you can be a great learning experience. It allows you to accept others for who they are, not their stereotype.

 

Oh yea, you are probably still in highschool, where your image and social status is the most important thing around. I can relate to you since i recently left high school and started college. And college is totally different! You can be yourself, without worry about what others think. Do not worry, as you enter college, you will realize that the number of friends do not really matter. It is the quality of these friendships that matter.

[Stinkweed]

Actually, the shaky situation with my friend is not what made me think about this stuff... this actually goes way way back into the end of last year... That was when I started noticing all these things about ppl and how they just won't socialize but with their "clique". But well, yeah, I am insecure about some stuff... When it comes to ppl in general I'm insecure about sounding boring, or stupid and when it comes to girls I'm insecure about that and many many other factors... But I mean, I think you got my point when you talked about the sterotypes and stuff... And I also completely agree with what you said about the quality of friendships having more importance than the quantity.

[Jinx]

Say I see the hispanic girls and ppl in general... Being hispanic myself, you'd think I'd have no problem socializing with them, seeing how they all get along with each other so well.

In a way I can relate to this problem as I've had it before. I was raised in a predominately Hispanic city and one of the few Caucasian students. Now, being with an near equivalent Caucasian and Hispanic population, you'd think I'd be able to cling to those of my own race but not so. More socialization problems, comes a tad harder.

 

Not like here, where I see hispanics hang out with hispanics only unless they've been living here for 10 years or more and americans with americans only except for those hispanics I later mentioned... I've been aware of all these things for quite a while and it only fed my anger against those ppl I thought I didn't have a chance with... And then, I realized I wasn't crazy, when for this class, a girl wrote an essay on this topic, and mentioned how hispanics don't hang out but with others hispanics like 95% of the time and same with americans... But lately I realized anger is not what I want to feel, and it's not a solution either... I mean, is this an issue of racism we're speaking about? But then why weren't americans this way when I lived in that other place? Is it because of different circumstances then?

In my case here, the Whites stick with their own race for a majority of the time, and Hispanics to their own. So on and so forth. Certain people it is an issue of racism, some don't feel secure, others think they'll be labeled, there is a multitude of issues. I've found a lot of it is based on security. For friendly groups which have a mixture of races, each for most part will be more confident and secure with themselves and feel everyone is equal. At least that is what I've noticed. I have got some flack (labels) for not being White enough since I don't "Go with my proper flock" (that I've noticed is one fear that goes around individuals).

 

Even though I'm only one White person and quite open minded some still think I'll be a negative impact on them and disrespect their culture. There is often a problem with stereotypes, and certain towns, why I'm not sure are more accepting and less likely to deal out the stereotypical images of a certain race or other classification. I've met an equivalent to this in the White counterparts, certain individuals believe there is no respect and actually it is a major case of miscommunication that no one wants to deal with.

 

Anyway, everytime I see a cute colombian or venezuelan girl in school (I myself am venezuelan... and about 40% of the student population was born in either of those 2 countries), my brain doesn't even bother taking a real look/whatever, cause it says "not possible". Like she's out of my league or like since she's not in my circle of friends, I don't stand a chance and shouldn't even bother.

I've did this myself, but within my own race. At current one individual I'm interested in is White, but beside other complications, I also have this mental complex/block that it isn't possible due to the fact of her race. You'd think, I'd be more concerned with being involved with someone of another race and the racial mixing issues people have here, but no, I'm more concerned about someone who is the same as I am.

 

I've also considered the fact that people whether it is noticed or not, have a stereotype of their own race and what it should and shouldn't do. I've ran into this a good deal of times, and certain groups will not judge on who you are as an individual but instead how you conform to your racial standard in their mind. I believe this may be part of the communication issue because instead of disrespect outside in multi racial groups, you're actually receiving more hassle within one's own race.

 

Like they think I'm a freak and I should even bother trying to reason with them... How do i change this and try to take the risk? I wish I knew someone else feels this way. All the cliques and stuff. it all just is so stupid. How the clothes someone wears, the haircut they have, and their taste in music influences their chances of starting a friendship with others... I feel so bad thinking that way myself

Aside of the racial basis, everyone has their approach/avoid response based on their first impression of an individual. Certain individuals find a trait attractive, where as another may consider it a back off signal. You may consider whether it is every group no matter culture and race, OR, if it is a single sided affair. Sometimes people have an odd way of responding, instead of approaching someone they'd like to know, they take on behavior which can be assumed as avoidance by the other party. Humans are complex for a lack of a better term, there are probably those which don't mind you a bit, but have for one reason or another, not approached you.