Question for people who have gone through a divorce...

[bum]

I know it's all upto the individual but I just wanted to try and understand where my boyfriend is coming from...

 

He met his ex when we was 19, got married at 25 and divorced at 28. It's been a year and a half or so since then, and I've been seeing him for 4 months or so, and I'm his first 'serious' relationship after the divorce. It basically wasn't going well, but it all ended when she cheated on him.

 

When we started seeing each other, he did mention that he did have a high wall around his heart because of that, and I've known he's got an insecurity towards being hurt or that someone leaving him. He's been away for about a month now and I've said stupid things that have possibily enhanced that insecurity, and no he's doubting the relationship. Friends say that it's probably his defence mechanism saying 'leave it before you get hurt again'. He's told me that he doesn't think he's capable of loving me or anyone for that matter. Perhaps he's just realised that he doesn't love me, but my question is, is it really that hard to fall in love again once you're badly burnt? Is it something that will heal with time? I care for him a lot and am willing to wait out or make the effort if there is anything I can do...

[TiredMan]

Then why did you say those "stupid things" to him?

[Shadows Light]

is it really that hard to fall in love again once you're badly burnt? Is it something that will heal with time? I care for him a lot and am willing to wait out or make the effort if there is anything I can do...

 

Yes.. it is really that hard to fall in love when you've been burnt. You are more guarded and weary of peoples motivations.

 

Yes.. they do say time heals all wounds. Eventually. But the scars remain and you learn to deal with it somehow.

 

You are willing to make the effort and wait. hmm sounds like he's not interested. How long are you going to wait?

 

What can you do? As tiredman said.. don't play head-games with him. Honesty is the best policy. You try the best you can...but then again he has to realize that you can't walk on egg shells the rest of your life. Gotta be yourself.

 

Open and honesty dialogue and communication is a good foundation to start with.

 

And... maybe your BF hasn't processed his divorce yet. Some people put it to the side..and say they'll deal with it "tomorrow' and then tomorrow never gets here. Makes it difficult for them to form loving relationships with other people. This is on him. His thing he needs to deal with.

[bum]

Thanks for the comments... he has told me that he has processed his divorce already and I do believe that's true. Perhaps the distance has made him realise that I'm just not 'it'... he told me a few weeks back that he wants to talk about it when he gets back, but the fact that I have absolutely no idea of what his thoughts are on my or the relationship has been kiiling me. I've always been open and honest with him so I will remain that way. He's coming back tomorrow and as much as I am looking forward to seeing him, I'm really scared as well to the point that I can't even sleep, and it's 3:30 in the morning here...

 

As for why I said 'stupid things'? I don't know. I guess I wanted his attention - he's never been a very 'verbal' person so it was like going cold turkey when he left. I know it was stupid of me and I have been torchuring myself over saying certain things, and although the things I said may not have been the direct reason why he is doubting the relationship, they certainly triggered his thoughts for sure. I would do anything to take those words back but I obviously can't...

[babycristy456]

This guy sounds like he's still healing from the cheating his ex did. They were together for a long time, and getting over that is tough. To be quite honest, I don't think he needs someone like you (And I don't mean that to offend you in any way bc I do not know you, but I am referring to the mind games and "stupid games"). But just put yourself in his position, would you (him) want your first relationship after your divorce to make you suffer and feel insecure? Probably not.

 

Talk to him about how you are feeling and tell him to be honest about the way he feels. He might still be needing space since he is going through the divorce now. You never know, the only thing that is certain is that guys are not the most expressive people. They don't like to talk about their inner feelings to anyone, including their own girlfriend. So its best that you confront him. If you want a guy that is verbal, maybe you are searching in the wrong place.

[SeaBisquit]

yes it is very hard. when you marry someone you trust them with all your heart. when they do something to betray that trust you are left feeling crushed or like damaged goods. it is very hard to get over. In his case his wife cheated on him which probably make him wonder why he ever trusted her in the first place. so he was left with a broken heart and broken promises.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

You mentioned they had been together in one form or another for 9 years (age 19 -28). That's a long time for him to have been with someone.

 

Although they weren't married for that long, you will need to consider that they were together for 9 years and it's only been 1 1/2 years since they divorced. So you have two problems -- 1. he's been cheated on so he won't trust easily. 2. he's still getting over the death of the relationship.

 

It takes a while to process the death of a relationship that long, and also, he's still getting to know who he is without her. Especially since he was with her from such a young age.

 

I would say just give him time and understanding. What's meant to be will be, but do keep the fact that even though he 'says' and 'feels' that he processed his divorce, he's got more to process than just that...the death of a 9 year relationship.

 

good luck,

Phreckles

[TiredMan]

Considering mine was an 8 year relationship, I'm guessing my hurt won't be going away anytime soon then?

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Considering mine was an 8 year relationship, I'm guessing my hurt won't be going away anytime soon then?

 

That's possible...I'm not saying that his hurt hasn't gone away...just that the effects of the breakup haven't been fully felt yet. I divorced my ex of 7 years about 2 or 3 years ago...but it wasn't sudden by any means. I had been prepping for the divorce for about 2 years prior to the main event. I still find myself feeling the effects of that relationship and finding it hard to trust my man to not hurt me and not be like my ex creep. Especially since I was married to him since age 19 and he was my first boyfriend.

 

Just be patient with yourself, go through all the feelings and changes, and know that in the end, you're going to be alright which is definitely the truth.

[bum]

Thanks all for the advice and insights...

 

I usually do not play games and he's not a player either and no, he doesn't deserve it.

 

Since I was aware of his situation right from the beginning, I had made the effort to be more open than I usually am, especially about my feelings towards him thinking it would make him feel secure - apparently this wasn't for the better as I thought because he told me a few weeks ago that he doesn't feel the same way as I do towards him at the moment and it maybe unfair of him to keep on hold to me. This was in response to my sms of telling him he doesn't seem to want or need me or the relationship, and I didn't want to be in another one of those relationships. He actually hadn't shown much signs of not wanting me, it's just that since we were given the distance, the contact level decreased significantly and I was unsure about what was on his mind so I nudged him, and yes, it was a stupid thing to have done.

 

I know he is(or was, at least till 2 weeks ago) into me, he does show it by actions, and he's also mentioned a few times that I'm everything that he ever wanted. but perhaps it's the fears blocking the way or the defence mechanism is still in full force that he just can't let go of his emotions...

 

He's always said that he's lucky to be with me and that he thinks I deserve better than him. I've never really known what to say to this 2nd comment or how to make him feel better about it so again I thought by telling him how much I like him and care for him would help, but it seems as though it has put pressure on him. How can I actually let him know that he's all I want, without pressuring him?

 

I completely trust him, and he says he does too, but the thing is I know that he doesn't trust some guys, who would try and go for a girl knowing that they're attached. Not to be full of myself, but there are quite a few guys after me and he's aware of that.

 

Since our 'big' talk 2 weeks back, we've only talked once about the relationship and all the rest has just been catching up - I asked him whether he was still willing to give it a go, and all he said was that he didn't know. He's said he wants to talk about it, but I'm not sure if I even have the guts to bring it up. In a way, if he is willing to continue on and doesn't mention it, I'd rather not mention it either but would that be just running away from it? I don't even know when and how to bring it up as he's flying in tomorrow morning and is pretty much going straight to work and am sure he'll be jetlagged for a few days.

 

Thanks for listening (or reading, rather) to my rant... I've hardly had any sleep so sorry if I'm not making too much sense...