Friends with ex's ok for some but I hate it - seeking advice

[NewGuy01]

Hello all, first time posting here for me.

 

Let me break this down by stating the question then giving the scenario, and finally giving some background for why I feel the way I do. Then I would love to hear your thoughts, opinions, and advice regarding this.

 

The question:

 

When two people are in a committed relationship, love each other, want to plan a future together forever... is it ok for one of them to still have friendships with an ex lover or is it just better to leave your ex lovers in the past and move on to your future?

 

The scenario:

 

My girlfriend and I have been friends via an online game for two years. We recently took it to the next level 4 months ago and met in person, and hit it off really well and have continued to see each other in person. We are both over 30, I have never been married and no kids, she is in the final stages of a divorce with two kids. We have fallen in love with each other. I think she is absolutely fantastic for me. I think her children are adorable. She and I have several mutual friends in RL and game. Myself and my best friend are moving up north to relocate (for various reasons, jobs, economy, tired of where we live, for me to be with her, to be around our friends)... She and I get along perfectly. I'm looking forward to making this a more standard real thing as opposed to the long distance thing.

 

Here is a small problem that is making me wonder before I make this move, if I should really stop and re-consider it more carefully: First of all, she has been married for 10 years, and yes, I know that the ex husband will be in the picture simply because he will have visitation rights with the children. This is not an issue for me, and the communication she and he have is strictly business-like dealing with the kids. I obviously know that he will not just 'disappear' from our lives, because he is the father. I have no problem with this whatsoever. The problem comes with the fact that she is 'best friends' with a former lover. Let me explain... Apparently, before her marriage, she and this guy were great friends, stictly plutonic. But at some point they decided to try a relationship and that lasted for about a month, when they finally had sex she says it was terrible for both of them and they decided a relationship wouldnt work for them and to go back to just being friends.

 

Now when we first started talking romantically, asking questions etc... One thing I made perfectly clear was that in my last relationship I went thru a ton of junk with my GF's ex-boyfriends cuz she was friends with them. I made it perfectly clear before she and I moved to the next level, that it is something I have promised myself I will never deal with again. I will not be in a situation where the ex's are still present. She mentioned to me about her ex friend but they hadn't spoken for over 4 years so it didnt really mean anything to me.

 

Well, a couple months ago, she was talking to her ex's sister about her divorce and the sister invited her down and said her brother (the ex) was coming over with his new fiancee - so she went and they hung out. Whatever, I didnt say anything about it, even though I did get that feeling of "here we go again with the ex thing"... anyhow, 2 months pass and they havent talked - they dont seem to keep in touch at all whatsoever (which makes me wonder why she even calls him bestfriend anyhow), and then last night in our conversation she tells me how they have matching tattoos. I didnt say much. Then she says something about you will see it when you meet him. I speak up and say, um, I dont plan on ever meeting him. Then all of a sudden she seems surprised. I told her I thought I was very clear on the topic that I never would allow myself to be in a relationship where there are ex's involved. So then she said well why dont you just tell me that Im not ever allowed to talk to him again. I said I wont say that, cuz thats not fair, but I just dont like it. She said well Im not going to go see him without you, and you have no interest to meet him, so I guess I cant see him anymore. I told her that I dont think I should be made to feel guilty about this - its just how I feel and I was clear on the ex thing from the start.

 

The reason I'm posting this, is because while I definitely dont want to have ex's in my life with my relationship, I dont doubt that their friendship is only a friendship. I mean they slept together one time and that was over 13 years ago. When I look at it like that I even feel kind of silly cuz its nothing, its not a big deal. But at the same time, it is. Its uncomfortable. I dont want to be hanging out with someone that she was formerly intimate and romantic with, no matter how short lived it was. I promised myself 5 years ago that I would never ever again be in a relationship when there are ex's still in the situation. I went thru that hell, and it took a long time to recover from that. (yea, in that relationship, she ended up cheating on me with her one ex that was only a friend, and a month after i left her she slept with the other one and got knocked up). I just dont like the ex thing cuz I know the reality of things are that its easy to find yourself in a situation that could comprimise your relationship. Its not worth it to me. I dont understand why you just cant leave your past in the past and move on with your future. Why bring baggage that doesnt need to be brought?

 

Anyhow - Im interested to see your thoughts on this.

[katie_emma]

I can see how you'd feel this way... with my boyfriend, he broke off all contact with girls from his past. From his ex's, and the couple of girls he had been intimate with, because he wanted me to know that he was all about me. And i really appreciated it. I think if he had kept talkign to them, and being good friends with them... it would have caused tension in our relationship.

 

As for your situation, I don't know what exactly to suggest. Maybe sit down with her and have a good talk. Let her know exactly why you're feeling this way... Don't tell her she "can't talk to him" because then you'll come accross as controlling, just let her know how you feel, and leave the rest up to her.

 

She needs to know exactly where you're coming from, not just that her talking to this man makes you feel uncomfortable.

 

Good luck !

[NewGuy01]

no other input? I really would like to hear others views on this.

[gillakin]

Hi, NewGuy!

 

Here goes what I think about the situation.

 

I don't think that just because we meet someone new, we have to get rid of all the good things we have achieved in the past. Some of the things, including good friends, are worthwhile to keep. Maybe what one needs is to redefine and adjust them in our present life.

 

After reading your post, I don't think you should be worried about girlfriend's "ex friend". Asfar as I understood, they have slept once and, the sex wasn't that great or else they would have repeated their bedtime over and over. I guess they probably mistook their feelings and ended up in bed.

 

I can understand where your concerns are coming from, but I honestly don't think the problems you had in your past with your exes apply to your current situation. As I see from your words, your girlfriend has moved on and so has her "ex friend". Moreover, she is not hidding her friend from you and is not meeting him behind your back. I see it as a good sign.

 

I have slep with my ex, BUT we were still in love with each other and we had a very passionated relationship. We broke up because we lived in different countries and none of us got the courage enough to take the first step into moving together. I was never over him.

 

However, this isn't the case of your girlfriend, right?! I have heard that some people have sex with the exes for the lust of it or because they hope to rekindle the loving relationship with their exes. This doesn't seem to be her situation either.

 

In my opinion, it is always good to have friends and you girlfriend seems to be honest with you. Maybe you should feel more laidback and be happy that your girlfriend is open and willing to share these things with you.

 

Best luck!