dreamy333 Posted October 11, 2005 Share Posted October 11, 2005 ok i have been dating this guy for about 4 months i live with him kinda and we are with each other everday at first he was really mean and it didnt bother me so much bc we were only friends with benefits. i didnt want to like him i just got out of a 5 year relationship in feb in which i was lied to every day. ok so he was mean at first then he started being sweet and falling for me just like i have for him. ok so i think he is an abuser. he has like split personalities. on one part i know he cares and i wont to show him im not like other girls bc im not. ont he other part he puts up a front bc he says he dont want me to hurt him. so he has this hardcore image that he throwns up like he dont care. when its good its good. but when its bad i cant talk to him bc he dontlike to talk. when we talk about not talking anymore he is like fine leave but when he sees me taking a stand he backs down. i am aggravted i love him not in love but i do love him. he tells me that there are plently of girls out there in one breath then he tells me im the kind of girl he wants to marry int eh other. he tells me he tells me mean things so i wont think that i have him bc if i know i have him i will hurt him. i have never hurt a guy. he was hurt really bad in his past but so was i. i dont understand. its like we both care but our past stops us from getting close. he has a very hard time showing emotion but i see it in his eyes when he smiles and looks at me. just wanted to vent and know imputs. Link to comment
Beec Posted October 11, 2005 Share Posted October 11, 2005 He sounds like he is insecure and uses a lot of passive aggressive behavior. The only way this can work is if you are firm, attack his passive aggressive crap and be the secure on for a while. When he says leave, then he wants what? You to tell him you will stay or for you to walk out? And if you do either, who wins? This is him being passive aggressive, and you need to tell him it is BS. He should also know that more than anything else, being passive aggressive and him acting insecure will drive you away. He needs to buck up and get rid of this behavior. Link to comment
dreamy333 Posted October 11, 2005 Author Share Posted October 11, 2005 i dont know what passive aggresive is. he has to be in control at all times. which i dont mind about alot of stuff bc i think the girl should listen to the man. but i also think the man should respect that. its like im with the sweetest jerk in the world. Link to comment
Beec Posted October 11, 2005 Share Posted October 11, 2005 Take a look at: link removed Link to comment
dreamy333 Posted October 11, 2005 Author Share Posted October 11, 2005 holy crap that is him to a t.. so should i tell him or what should i do. i know couceling is out of the question for him Link to comment
Beec Posted October 11, 2005 Share Posted October 11, 2005 I'd spend some time sitting in a bookstore drinking coffee and reading the book. See removed[/i] If you cannot buy it, read it in the store or the library. I see it in women, like my gf, and I call her one it. When she gives me that "Well, I don't know why you are with me" line, I call her on it and tell her it is BS, and it works for me. Link to comment
kellbell Posted October 11, 2005 Share Posted October 11, 2005 Very good website Beec. I work with people with Personality Disorders. Passive-aggressive or Negtavisitc personality DO is rare, I have not seen it very often but very frusutrating to be in a relationship with someone with the disorder. Dreamy, I hope things get better for you. Take care and all the best. Link to comment
Beec Posted October 11, 2005 Share Posted October 11, 2005 I think we all get a bit passive aggressive and should try to keep it in check in ourselves and loved ones. Not sure how much of it makes it a disorder. Link to comment
kellbell Posted October 11, 2005 Share Posted October 11, 2005 Very true Beec, I am gulity of it too on a few occasions and so is my BF. There is a clinical version questionnaire based out of the DSM-IV that assesses for all 11 personality disorders. Very interesting to administer. Link to comment
dreamy333 Posted October 11, 2005 Author Share Posted October 11, 2005 he had every and i mean every sign. . i really like him i want him to know he can trust me what do i do Link to comment
kellbell Posted October 11, 2005 Share Posted October 11, 2005 Maybe you can send him a card telling him you care about him and you all always be there for him, but that's all you can do. Letting someone know you care and will always be there for him or her is enough. You can't take on everyone's problems, you are not helping them by doing that. Ultimately, they have to help themselves first and deal with their issues. Link to comment
armchairshrink Posted October 11, 2005 Share Posted October 11, 2005 So, let me get this straight: He was mean from the beginning. He improved for awhile when he realized he was falling for you. Now he's mean again because he knows you have the power to hurt him. He throws up a wall of fake disinterest because he doesn't trust you. So, all together, he's been mean more than he's been nice. He's shutting you out and he needs to be in control at all times. And you're with him why?? OK, now that I'm done being sarcastic, here's my thought: Whether he's got a genuine personality disorder or was just traumatized by being hurt in the past, he sounds like a risky person for you to love. I've known several women who agree with you that the woman should listen to the man in all things. I don't agree, but I respect someone else's right to live that way. If you are going to hold to this belief, then you need to find a man who is worth listening to. Not to mention safe, and who has the ability to trust you. I'd hate for your beliefs to land you in the hospital -- or worse, a grave. Link to comment
dreamy333 Posted October 11, 2005 Author Share Posted October 11, 2005 bc i want ot be theone that stuck with him. he is really a great guy and i guess i am stupid i think i have a disorder of mine own. i try to help people too much. im too loyal. i am beginning to be unhappy though. i think i will talk to him tonight about it and tell him ill work on it with him but if i see no signs he cares i will leave i guess. so i might be int he break up forum tomorrow keep and eye out for me. im not scared to leave i know i can do better its just that i want to be there for him andmake him see what a good person he is. he isnt really mean now he just gets in moods.. Link to comment
kellbell Posted October 11, 2005 Share Posted October 11, 2005 You are unhappy because this relationship is so one-sided. That would make anyone unhappy, personality disorder or not. You are taking on too much, you are trying to solve all his problems. Can't do that honey, he can only do that. Like I wrote before, the only thing you can do is be there for him when he needs an ear and that you care. That's it. Link to comment
dreamy333 Posted October 11, 2005 Author Share Posted October 11, 2005 it is very onesided and that is the prob;em does anyone have tips so i can deal with this better...... Link to comment
kellbell Posted October 11, 2005 Share Posted October 11, 2005 One of two ways in least in my experience... Talk to him about your feelings and see what happens afterwards. or Lay low for awhile Unfortunately, people with a personality disorder don't think there is anything wrong with them so they won't change or take the necesarry steps to change their life. This guy may not be the one for you and you might have to try to accept that. I mean think about it, do you want to be someone's caregiver and therapist or do you want someone who is simply going to love you for you and be there for you and be your boyfriend. I can't stress this enough, he's going to have to learn how to help himself first. Link to comment
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