Help with communication

[th123456]

My spouse says that I don't communicate with her. I often get into a state where I feel like I can't talk with her whenever we argue. There are times when she says she's asking something of me and I can't see it. I want to learn how to be a better communicator so that I don't lose her. Can someone please provide some guidance? I've tried books and counseling, but it doesn't seem to help. I feel like I just don't get it.

[th123456]

Thanks for the reply. Maybe you can help.

 

I do have a hard time understanding my emotions and can't really express them well with the spoken word. I can't seem to think clearly (logically) when I'm in the argument. But even before then, I seem to have a block on understanding her needs. I know she wants me to communciate. But this last argument we had was because I wasn't attentive to her needs. Regardless of my reasons for the inattentiveness, I seem to have a block on reaching out to her at those moments.

 

What was it you were looking for that your ex wasn't able to do? Perhaps I can try to learn from that.

[th123456]

Wow, I can see how that could be frustrating. I know I can get that way sometimes (okay, maybe most of the time). Part of the problem is that I'm trying to figure out what to say or do and I guess I'm afraid that I might add more gasoline to the fire. It doesn't mean that I don't care for her or that I don't love her. I sometimes feel like I don't know how I can help her.

 

I know that a lot of books out there say that men are always trying to solve the problems and women want to be heard. But if my wife is upset, I want to help her, I just don't know how and then that leads to my silence.

[th123456]

I'm sorry about bringing up past memories. I feel like I'm at a crossroad and am looking for advice.

 

Unlike your ex, I am going to make myself better so that my wife and I can move on from this. I am trying to learn as much as I can, and as quickly as I can so that this doesn't happen anymore.

[sweetpea4670]

Wow, I had to say something because I have the same problem with my boyfriend and that's our biggest (maybe only) real problem with the relationship. I love everything about him but I always feel that he doesn't care due to his lack of communication. My boyfriend does the exact same thing. I get mad at him for not communicating. We start arguing - I cry my eyes out he sits there in silence. It is the most frustrating thing in the whole world and makes me feel like he doesn't care at all. It makes me want to shake him and be like, "what's wrong with you?!" I accuse him of not caring and he says that he just doesnt know what to say - he's afraid I'll get mad at him - that's what he always says -that he doesnt say anything because he's afraid ill get mad at him. Do you feel that way too? I pour my heart out and he says nothing and when I ask him to say something, he says "what do you want me to say?" I ask him to tell me whatever he's thinking and he says he's not thinking anything which makes me want to slap him. I'm getting so angry even as I write this. It's the only reason I've ever considered breaking up with him and we've been dating for 2&1/2 years. He still has this problem but unlike you, he refuses to admit it and says that it is just who he is and his personality and that if I love him, I'll have to accept that. I tell him it's killing our relationship and he just doesn't seem to think or understand that as much as I dont want to, I might have to break up with him soon because I'm so emotionally unfulfilled. I guess I'm not sure if it's just him or all guys that are incapable of having a deep conversation. Just writing about this makes me want to cry - if he would only understand!! Like scorpio, I always find myself searching for someone deep and someone I could have a deep, emotional conversation with. It's the only reason I could ever see myself falling for someone else - if they can fulfill me emotionally better than he can. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me. I'm guessing I'm quite a few years younger than you, so I understand if you don't particularly want to hear my thoughts. Good luck to you, though and it's really great of you to want to change your ways.

[th123456]

Thank you so much for that reply. I feel somewhat ashamed of myself for having to ask for advice. But I know that I need help and I just don't know where else to turn. I don't care that people are younger than I am because sometimes I feel like a little kid when my wife and I are arguing.

 

I do feel for you, having to deal with someone like me. I can see how much I am hurting my wife. I wish there was a magic switch I can turn on and make her happy. I can see the problem when I'm not part of it. I kind of get headlight frozen when it comes to arguments. You should ask your boyfriend to read some of my messages if he wants to see where it leads. Nothing good can come of this, I realize. My wife and I have these really heated arguments because of what I do. Like you, this is really our only argument, but it is a big one.

 

Part of the problem is that I create these vicious cycles in my head. For example, I am afraid she'll get mad at me. But she's mad at me because of what I am doing. I'm also afraid of saying the wrong thing. Then I think that it is easier to not say anything at all and that makes her mad.

 

I think your boyfriend needs to see that it isn't just a personality thing. I know there are lots of guys out there who are capable of communicating well. You and your boyfriend don't have to accept that. Sometimes I wish that I had figured this out earlier. I feel that we could have avoided a lot of the problems earlier.

 

I think my problem is that I sometimes don't have my wife's perspective in my head. It certainly helps me to hear from women who've gone through this and I can see what my wife and others are thinking when they are going through this. It helps me to realize that I'm not the only person who is hurting my mate because of what I'm doing and how much as well.

 

I don't want her to feel unfulfilled. I just don't know how to get there.

[sweetpea4670]

Have you told your wife how desperate you are to seek help to make a change in your communication? I know that no matter how angry I was, I would be ecstatic if my boyfriend would just realize what he is doing and is actively trying to change it. If you tell her what you're telling us on this forum, I am almost positive she will be very willing to support your attempt to change with more faith in the belief that you will change. Tell her what goes through your head when you argue - tell her how you feel about not wanting to hurt her. If my boyfriend said to me, the things you are telling us on this forum, I would be shocked. Maybe your wife needs to hear that.

[jevonj77]

What a lot of people do not understand is that in general men..ie. boys are not taught in the same way that women are in regardings to emotions. Men are generally taught to blot out their emotions and when this is done they will be manly. In a sense they are told this since childhood. It is basically the opposite for girls so girls generally develop a sense of how to explain what they are feeling and such.

 

Now what you are going through does have a name...and what some of the women don't understand is that it is true...although you may have emotions...it is most likely that you are not able to distinguish between the different emotions and they all just seem the same.

 

There is a book called Emotional Intelligence...the problem that you are speaking of is in this book. I don't think that it is going to be a quick fix, but I suggest you tell your wife that you see that it is a problem and that you will start working on it. I don't know if you want to go to counseling or not but that will help.

 

Now what a lot of women do not know is that this is very common. Tell your wife that you will seek counseling and to bare with you as you take small steps forward. You can't change something like this that has been with you for years.

[th123456]

Thanks for the tip. I'll look for a copy of that book.

 

I've tried counselling for a while, but it didn't really help me with talking to my wife. I certainly could take to the counselor fairly easily though.

[jevonj77]

Great!!, hope it helps out...it should.