Move-Making: How, when, why and where?

[GregB]

I will try to keep this brief.

 

Background: Me: 31. Her: 18. We have done the following: 3 lunches, 2 on me and 1 on her. Karaoke with "The Gang". A couple of lengthy phone calls. We also work together. She's leaving the state for college in August.

 

All told, we have been "Hanging out" for about 3.5 weeks. I know that if anything happens, it will be over when it's time for her to go. I could fall for her, but I'm not a very selfish person and know that she's got a lot of life to live before she ever settles down with someone, and I know it will be someone with more going on than me. So, I'll wish her the best and be happy for what little time we had.

 

Okay, so my problem is this: She has not presented any opportunity to make a move. Okay, I suppose I could've went for hand holding when we walked from the restaraunt to the coffee shop that one time, but it lacked context and I felt it was too soon (1st date).

 

However, at the end of dates, she tends to kind of run off as fast as possible. Now, I'm no idiot, and I'm pretty sure this means she's doing that on purpose for the specific reason of avoiding the obligatory "move".

 

I have told her that I'd like to think that we were "Dating" as opposed to "hanging out". She didn't really reply to that except to sidestep the issue.

 

Later down the road, I said that I figured out that we weren't dating on my own. She said "Thank you, that'll avoid a lot of awkwardness..." and we continued to do stuff together.

 

Case closed? I'm not so sure. Tonight, she is coming over to my place to watch her favorite movie "Say Anything". (Say Anything is kind of similar to her situation if you're familiar with the plot.) It will be just her and I, alone in my room, watching this very romantic movie.

 

To add fuel to the fire, I picked up a bottle of champagne and made a fruit/cheese plate. She might balk at the champagne, she's not a big drinker, so I also got a bottle of sparkling grape.

 

The question then is this: Do I make a move??? How do I make a move and when? Would you say that this girl really *wants* me to make a move in spite of our sort of dodgy communication on whether or not we are dating?

 

I was thinking about this, and one's usual thought is "I don't want to risk the friendship". Well, we'll never be superfriends due to her leaving in August. There's nothing much to lose, except for "hanging out" for the next month and a half.

 

I tend to think that she wouldn't put herself in this situation unless she wanted to be moved in on. However, I could be totally wrong and she could be more naive then she lets on.

 

When I was young, I never had to make a move I wasn't sure about. As an older man, I'm less and less sure when a girl likes me. Either that, or they just don't and I want to believe they do.

 

I suppose I'm deeply afraid of the awkward moment. I don't want to miss an opportunity because of fear though. Deep down, I believe that when a man and a woman are alone together, the right actions, words and timing can turn any situation into romance. The man just needs the right key.

 

What do you think?

-Greg B

[FenderRocker17]

hmm thats a toughie for me, but i cant just leave u hangin ya? heh 31-18? big age difference..but what do i know..lol my parents are 78 and 45 or osmething like that o_O. lol anyway lets cut to teh chase. like u said u never had to make a move when u wer younger, but ya kno, u gotta make a move eventually ya? go with your gut on this one, do what ya think is right. i know this doesnt help much but at least i tried eh? anyway i hope it works out for the two of you, good luck bro.

 

-Fender

[kdreger]

Ok, the paranoid side of me has kicked in. 31-18 and you've got champagne... watch it. Don't get her drunk and get her doing something she's going to regret as it'll come back and bite you on the ass. She might enjoy it in the moment of drunkeness but feel bad after.

 

Why don't you just ask her if you can kiss her. Simple as that. Get up the courage. If she says, yes, there there you go - the icebreaker. If she says, no, then she just wants to be friends. You have to make sure it's a definite answer so that both of you can relax. It seems to me that she's told you, no. The problem is that she doesn't seem to know that she's subtley leading you on by spending time alone with you.

 

Tread lightly dude.

[GregB]

Well, if I've learned one thing, it's that women don't really liked to be asked if they can be kissed. When they want a guy, they want the guy to take them and be confident. If they really want a guy, they will be sure to provide enough signals and moments for the guy to feel the confidence.

 

However, sometimes a woman might be indifferent to a guy. She might not turn him down for a fling, but she's not going to work to make it happen either. So, it's up to the guy to make the right overture.

 

Regarding the champagne, remember I have two bottles here: One is just sparkling grape juice and the other is champagne. I'm kind of setting up a "Matrix" choice here...blue pill or red pill?

 

If she takes the champagne then we're through the looking glass. If she takes the sparkling grape, then...well...not so much. But there's a choice, and she's no idiot. Hell, she's a lot smarter than me.

 

As for the morality issue of giving an 18 year old Champagne, I can only say that I work with a lot of people between 18-20 who are practically alcoholics at this point not to mention ungodly amounts of drugs. I can tell you that I've seen her drink on one other occasion and she's not going to get drunk. She cuts herself off.

 

-GB

[Katelyn55655]

If I were 18 I wouldn't be able to respond with much confidence. Now that I'm much older than that I know what I want, who I want, who I don't want, and what's going to happen.

 

I suspect she isn't turned on to you and has clearly let you know that already. Maybe not in the way you'd prefer, but in her own subtle way whether you accept it or not. I think you have chosen to ignore her queues because you have hope that things could be different. What I am saying here is, when I guy turns a girl on she can't keep her hands/body, etc. off him. When he doesn't turn her on, it's very easy to not touch him and it's easy to pull away when he does touch her. Women send out all kinds of queues. The key is to pay attention.

 

There is something that you need to understand about women. Men and women are different when it comes to attraction. A women can love the company of a certain man yet feel no sexual chemistry with him. She can love him as a friend but not as a potential lover. Once a women has decided she could never make love with a man she almost never changes her mind about that. Men, on the other hand, usually feel a degree of sexual attraction towards any woman they like.

 

Agreeing to spend time alone doesn't change things. You see it as an opportunity to go to the next level, she sees it as a nice way to enjoy the friendship.

 

If you are still uncertain, rather than going for a move such as a kiss that is sure to make you feel rejected should she say no, why don't you try touching her "accidently" on safe places like her arms or your foot on her foot and MONITOR HER RESPONSE. If she pulls away from you you have no choice but to respect her boundaries. If she doesn't pull away and/or acts like she likes having you so near, continue pursuing physical contact.

 

Champagne has no bearing on attraction and some people (like me for example) simply don't like it. Even if she does like it she is probably smart enough to know when to stop drinking.

 

The fact that you want her doesn't mean she has to want you in return. The world is full of unrequited lovers. If she doesn't want you you have a choice: accept a platonic friendship or find someone who does want you.